Velominati Super Prestige: 2011 Le Tour de France
While a good number of Velominati get all uppity around May and make rash statements like their preferred Grand Tour is the Giro d’Italia, because it has more and bigger climbs, beautiful white roads and crazy tifosi, there’s no denying that Le Tour de France is the real grandaddy of them all.
Admit it, July trumps May every time.
Maybe it’s because of the greater media attention, or the fact that there’s bound to be a controversy, but I for one look forward to this time of year with a fervour that has myself and others residing in the lower half of the world consuming inhuman amounts of caffeine and staving off sleep deprivation for 21 days on end, without question or cause for concern. It’s all about the bike (race) and nothing else really gets a look in. Job? Ah, we can do that blurry-eyed and with concentration levels that are probably below safe standards if operating heavy machinery. Or even computers. In fact, operating a computer becomes the central task of the day, as we check results, reports, the topography and distance of the next stage, and of course our VSP standings.
Which brings us to the Blue Riband event on the 2011 Velominati Super Prestige; Le Tour de France. Who will be resplendent in the Maillot Jaune after three weeks of high-pressure tipping, rest-day swaps and bonus stage picks? Have we seen the last of Steampunk’s yellow reign of terror? It’s time to peak, to climb well for your weight, and move Sur La Plaque to the top of the VSP. Study the guidelines (with a grain of salt, as whatever we say here overrides the guide, so ask if you’re not sure), respect the Piti Principle, and enjoy the next three weeks of the greatest show on earth. As usual, get your picks in by 5am Pacific time on Saturday morning. If you wait until the last moment and bugger it up, don’t come crying, just wait until the first rest day with all the others who pulled a Delgado.
Brett’s Take:
As a Keeper, my own tips don’t count to any jerseys or prizes, so this Tour I think I’ll tip with my heart rather than my head; it’s let me down enough this season anyway, so any ‘logic’ or ‘knowledge’ is to be discarded and replaced with ’emotion’ and ‘taking a stab in the dark’. In fact, I might even target the KOM this time around, try and get in some long breakaways and pick up points over the smaller cols while none of the big contenders are paying any real attention. Yeah, channel the spirit of JaJa, Reeshard and the Chicken. Better get me some juice.
Taking the heart over head approach, I have to say that this is going to be the year of an upset. It’s there for Cadelephant to take. The cards are all falling for him; Cont Of The Highest Odor will fade in the last week, spent from his Giro and without a reliable supply of prime beef to call upon; Grimplette, while he may have been foxing in Switzerland, just doesn’t have the firepower to match it with Cuddles or COTHO against the clock, and hasn’t got the mental capacity to attack in the mountains. Wiggins, Gesink, Grimpelder… they’ll be fighting for scraps.
It’s a three horse race, this one, but at last count there’s only three steps on a podium.
Marko’s Take:
Recently on these pages we’ve at once lamented the loss of the all-rounder GC contender and derided the formulaic predictability that “well-rounded” riders in the modern peloton employ to win races. All the names at the top of the Giants of the Road list, however, excelled at one thing, winning the biggest sporting event in the world. But it isn’t climbing prowess, time trialling efficiency, tactical sense, and winning ability alone that endear riders to us. If it was it would be way easier and really boring to be a cycling fan. So what is the difference between a guy like say, LeMan and a guy like Armstrong? Panache. What we’ve lost isn’t a type of rider but a style of rider. Rather what we’ve lost is panache. If, in the modern day, being a douchenozzle or belladonna means panache, so be it. But if doping scandals and bro-mances make you yawn, keep in mind there is a lot of bike racing going on in le Grand Boucle.
So I ask, where’s the panache as far as GC contenders go? Cuddles (may have blown his panache wad last year), Le Petit Grimpeur (no panache), Sammy Sanchez (panacheicito), Basso (panached-out), Horner (Mcpanache), JVDB (panache-a-be), CVDV (pa-crash), Veino (panachenozzle), and Ryder (trying to get all the Canadian panache that Don Cherry has been hogging for the last 30 years). For me, other than Cuddles, Veino, and Ryder it’s hard to get really excited about any of the GC contenders. But alas, I will not vote solely with my heart like my Aussie bro in New Zealand. I will do my best to garner points for no other reason than pride as I don’t get shit for winning either.
So then, now that I’ve gotten all pessimistic about the GC, what am I looking forward to? Panache, fucktards. I wanna see Faboo tow Frandy through the TTT for Leotard Schleck (thanks Dr C) and then make some perfect amount of dumb remark afterward. I wanna see Cavenisgrowingonmedish win some sprints. I wanna see Farrar beat the Manx Mouth in some sprints or cry trying. I wanna believe in the Rainbow Jersey again. I wanna see if Tomeke still has what it takes. I wanna see Jens hurt EVERYBODY. I wanna see some Russian or Spanish dude I’ve never heard of have the ride of his life and shed some tears on the podium, and I wanna see Gilbert on a long solo break on his birthday get himself a stage win and maybe even the yellow jersey for a bit.
The reason this race is so cool is there are so many races within the race. Sure, you betcha, get drawn into to GC drama but don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. There’s a shit-ton gonna happen in the next three weeks and it’s gonna be good.
Gianni’s Take:
Burned from the all too predicable days of Pharmy, I just don’t care that much about the yellow jersey, Contador or a Schleck – ahhhh, who cares, skinny little bastards. I’m all in for the drama hidden within each day’s race. A stage win in the Tour can make a rider’s career and every stage has unscripted drama: Stuey O’Grady finishing the stage within the time limit, riding in from 100km out with a broken collar bone. Or Magnus Backstead riding in by himself, dropped in the small mountains, finishing beyond the time limit, his number peeled off his jersey and he is ruined. These things happen every day in the Tour.
I like a good spoiler, like Eros Poli on Mount Ventoux, or the spoiler small break that stays away when the last 40km is a high speed tailwind run, ruining a day for the sprinters. I like Rik Verbruggen, flat back, so aero on his bike, hauling ass, a crazy solo bid for glory. I want to see more of that. I would be thrilled to see one of the Garmin roulers win a stage, and I’ll be thrilled if HTC doesn’t win the TTT.
I can schleckulate about a few things: unless Contador and Cavendish get their front wheels tangled up together resulting in a horrendous career threatening crash, both Andy Schleck and Tyler Farrar are doomed. I’m sorry, Andy can’t go fast unless it’s a steep hill (up) and no one is as good a sprinter as Cav, by a lot. Then again, if my schleckulations were worth anything, I wouldn’t be down in the boggy hole that is the low end of the VSP results.
Frank’s Take:
Every year, it happens. Every single year. It has a bitter taste, Disappointment. It sits on the front of your tongue like a small black weight that is surprisingly heavy for its size. Even though you’re not swallowing it, the taste spreads throughout, slowly – into your jaws first, then the rest of your being.
With one exception, I have never had my chips down for a rider who ended up winning – not since 1990, when I was all-in for Greg LeMond. 1991-1995 was Indurain: I favored first Bugno, then Rominger. 1996: Virenque. 1997: Virenque. 1998: Pantani; it was a long shot, but the awesome little dude pulled it off for once in my life. 1999: Zulle. 2000-2004: Ullrich. 2005-2006: Basso. 2007: The Chicken. 2008: Frank Schleck. 2009-2010: The Grimplette. But I continue to favor the dark horse because I know that when I am redeemed, it will be glorious beyond articulation.
This will be that year. Not because I will change my tactic, but because this is the one for les Fréres Grimpeur. It’s a hilly enough race with enough uphill finishes – we all know the skinny boys have a challenge when the road points down. (You’d really think that with all that practicing they do going uphill that they’d occasionally get a chance to practice going down one as well, but those boys descend like first-year amateurs.) Bertie blew the guns at a very difficult Giro and all the Spanish Beef in the world can’t help you recoup from that kind of effort in time for a similarly difficult Tour. Cuddles is a pipe dream borne from the understandably optimistic thoughts from our antipodal brothers and sisters in Oz and Newz. Wiggo, Vande Velde, Gesink, and Van den Broek will all learn how hard it is to pull out a good Tour ride for a second (or first) time when the pressure is truly on.
I’ve also vowed not to get caught up in my propensity to dwell on the fact that Contador should not be in the race. The fact that a rider who failed a dope test in last year’s Tour has been allowed to start is a reflection of the ineffectiveness of Cycling’s governing bodies, not on Bertie. True, I hate him and would be happy to see him not start, but if I were in his shoes, I admit that would start if I was allowed to. And, lets face it: Andy’s win will mean more when it comes with the defeat of Alberto than with a nonstart.
FYI There’s an app for that!
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/tour-de-france-all-access/id443175879?mt=8&ls=1
$14.99 for “all access”… I just downloaded it. There goes the rest of the afternoon (except for a ride, of course)
Hmmmm. Seems like there were a few of the Velominati clan at the Tour presentation today. Apparently the Spanish steak-muncher got a less than rousing reception from the assembled multitudes. If that’s how it is at the presentation, I can’t imagine things will be more polite out on the road. That’s either going to be a big motivator for AC or somewhat dispiriting to put it mildly. The big-mouthed Manx-boy looks like he’s ready to go and as lean as I’ve ever seen him. Clearly not to fat to climb . . . in the grupetto.
Voting with my head for places 1 – 3 and my heart for 4 & 5, we shall see.
VSP PICKS:
1. A. Schleck
2. Contador
3. Evans
4. Leipheimer
5. Cunego
@Brett, Frank
what about the Green Jersey and KOM Polkadrug Jerseys – do we have a VSP for those too?
@sgt
Yeah, I was thinking of the Versus Tour Tracker that so I can watch it on my laptop or plug the laptop into the TV. Glad you liked it, I’ll give it a go. Can you watch the stages at your leisure even after they’ve been completed?
VSP PICKS:
1. stupid jerk steak eater
2. Andy Schlecktacular
3. ‘Lil Cuddles-wuddles
4. I’m Wiggin’ out
5. FrØnkinstein Schleck
@Gerard
has he insisted on V-rules and got a black frame – awesome!!!!
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Evans
3. A Schleck
4. Gesink
5. Horner
@mcsqueak
I’d really like to know this too. Fucking Comcast wants $65 extra/mo for a package of HD bullshit channels that includes VersusHD. If the All Access thingy will let me watch stages that evening, I can hook Mr. iPad up to the TV and enjoy.
Ref: Clenbutador, he is now getting a dose of the same thing that hit Anquiteil and Polodor. The frogs loved Polodor, even though he was Mr. Perennial Second Place. Jacques never understood why his countrymen didn’t love him (even though his personal life was apparently full of drama.) Polodor wasn’t the brighest bulb in the peloton, and Jacques knew how to make him look bad, even if Polodor was talented strong rider. Tactics made all the difference. And so it goes for OhBoyOhBerto.
My hat has a dog in it….
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuntador
2. Andy
3. Weight of a Nation
4. Cadel
5. Wiggy
Can’t believe no one has posted this little gem yet. Holy schnikes, BatDouche!
Isn’t anyone principalled enough to ignore Cuntador? @Frank – help me out here.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cadel
2. A Schleck
3. Basso
4. Leipheimer
5. van den Broeck
@frank
I hope that, one day, they look back on that and think “what a complete and utter cock I looked!”
@eightzero
Looks like it… the app just went up today… there’s a bunch of placeholder vids on the “stages” tab.
Will post more on saturday for you cheap-ass fence-sitters.
VSP PICKS:
1. Clenbutador
2. Wigtastic
3. Grimpelder
4. B. Hagen
@frank
As if we needed it, further evidence that Thor has completely lost his mind…
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A Schleck
3. Cadel
4. Basso
5. Wiggo
Poor little Bertie, how terribly unfair!
“Tour de France 2011: Alberto Contador says it’s ridiculous that he could win again but still be stripped of title”
“I am the most tested rider and I’m winning almost every race” – sound familiar?
VSP PICKS:
1. Brother gimpreur younger
2. D.Cunego
3. J.Gradet
4. Van denBroeck
5. S.sanchez
Probably my head ruling my heart here – I really want cuddles to win this year…just hope luck favours him for once.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cadelephant
2. Clenbeutador
3. Schlecklette
4. Vandenbrouke
5. Basso
@frank
That gives a whole new meaning to the curse of the rainbow jersey. Since when did Super Mario become the PR guy for garmvelo? Awful.
@frank
@Marko
wow, maybe if he has won something worth while this year I might think that’s funny. Its to bad Garmin left some quality riders home for that clown. sorry, just saying.
@Godsight
Nice picks Godsight – no Cuntador! And Gadret is an inspired pick to show his “support” for Nicky Roche by finishing 3rd. What out for some steak-related issues with Johnny G…
Dirty Sanchez would have the real Steve Buscemi (circa Reservoir Dogs era) look about him if only he would bust a few of those pearly whites. Maybe I’ll just call him Mr Brown.
Contador will ride tempo with the rest but its his team which will hold him back when he needs it – plus he’ll get sucker punched by Frandy the Younger on the attack in the Pyrenees, thereby allowing his older, slower brother to move up in the GC. His efforts from the Giro will show in week 3. Contador’s biggest rival is himself.
Cadel to win – his form is better than 2007 plus he’s much smarter/even headed these days. When he takes yellow I’m predicting that he’ll cry like a little girl on the podium.
Cav guaranteed to cry at some point, just not sure where. Podium or post-race interview. I shudder to think what will happen if Greipel takes a win over the top of Cav.
If Basso is out of the running for top honours, he’ll go all out for the win on Alp D’Huez. You read it here first.
BTW – I’m a Michael Bolton… err.. I mean, Alberto Contador fan. I love the fact that he’s a complete rider and I really love the fact that he just keeps on winning. I thought his Giro ride was pure class. The fact that everyone who isn’t Spanish seems to hate him (Frank and Brett I’m looking at you) makes me want to cheer for him even more – he may be the strongest rider in the world (physically/mentally) but he still seems fragile to me when he’s fingerbanging on that podium. Having Riis manage his public relations probably doesn’t help. Then again, everyone in the West hated Fignon for years till his throat gave way, and the Honey Badger had a similar bad rap until he beat up on some podium crasher. Maybe if he changed his name to Le Contador and started throwing a few haymakers…
VSP PICKS:
1. Cadel
2. Frandy the Younger
3. Basso
4. Frandy the Elder
5. Alberto
Oregonian leaving all sanity aside and hoping a fellow Oregon resident pulls off the huge upset. Since I can’t stand Contador, I refuse to pick him expecting that some bad luck will catch up with him. A flat at the base of a critical climb or some such mechanical may be all it takes to derail him.
VSP PICKS:
1. Horner
2. Sanchez
3. A. Schleck
4. Leipheimer
5. C. Evans
i CANNOT wait for Saturday night!!! we’ll be burning the midnight oil in ‘ol Sydney town for the next three weeks. i’m off for a nap now to prepare.
VSP PICKS:
1. C*ntador
2. Grimplette
3. Cuddles
4. Keep ’em Gesink
5. Horner
The guy who designed Cancellara’s bike is an amazing artist. I have some of his work in the form of T-shirts he designed, his stuff is sick!
Hydro74
@D-Man
No hate for the Cont here… he’s the best rider, and he’ll win, but how I’d love to see Cuddles get up.
Well here goes…although after managing to Delgado both the Dauphine & TDS the overall is shot so I’ve had to include the Spanish Steak to shoot for the win here.
VSP PICKS:
1. COTHOdor
2. Brother Grimpeur the Younger
3. Good Cadelephant
4. Count Basso
5. Weight of a Nation
First VSP. So late to the 2011 party. I’ve been participating as spectator all year. Now, I’ll just be hangin’ on at the back before I blow up.
Going with Evans b/c his vulnerability (in any direction–sadness, anger, frustration, joy, utter absurdity) makes me want it for him all-the-more. That stage last year w/him in yellow and blue tape all up and down his jacked arm weeping at the end…oh, man…heartbreaking.
Vive le Tour!
VSP PICKS:
1. C. Evans
2. A. Schleck
3. F. Schleck
4. B. Wiggins
5. R. Gesink
VSP PICKS:
1. “Clentador”
2. Cadel Evans
3. Chris Horner
4. A. Schleck
5. Ivan Basso
(Grimplette in 3rd…)
VSP PICKS:
1. Elephantitis
2. COTHOdor
3. Bottom half of a Mermaid
4. Frank VDB’s Illegitimate Brother
5. The Italian Dog
@D-Man
I’m basing my picks on amusing pictorial sideshows that I expect to happen during the tour: as you can see some players are already making their presence felt, though Cuddles does need to bring the big dog to this tour to make any impact.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuddles’ Dog vs Journo
2. Wiggin’s midriff
3. Thor’s mighty hammer
4. JENS MOTHER FUNKIN VOIGHT!
5. Whoever runs COTHO into ditch
Betcha Berto crashes out early.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuddles
2. Basso
3. horner
4. gesink
5. Wiggo
PS fingerbangs get negative ratings. You fingerbang you instantly get – 10000 points on my arbitrary ranking system.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuddles’ Dog vs Journo
2. Wiggin’s midriff
3. Thor’s mighty hammer
4. JENS MOTHER FUNKIN VOIGHT!
5. Whoever runs COTHO into ditch
All this talk about Bertie’s team being weak is true, his team is weak. That hasn’t stopped him before though. He’s too strong, smart, and good. Having a GT that tuckered him out under his belt might, just maybe, bring him down to everybody else’s level.
I want so bad for Cadel to win but he will not, nor will anybody else, with Bertie in the race. Andy won’t show this year accept for maybe a stage and a most combative on a stage or two.
And who knew Blue Riband means something? I’d never heard that before reading Brett’s draft and thought it was a typo. Still so much to learn.
VSP PICKS:
1. Bertie FTW
2. Cadel-Thisisyourlife-Evans
3. Dirty Sanchez
4. Horner
5. Schleckito
Guessing it’s going to be a re-run of last year, but registering a sentimental podium hope for Horner, who’s having his most dominant year since his Mercury days when he won damn near every domestic race he entered by what seemed like 5 minutes. Maybe Johann has found him some new, undetectable jet fuel???
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A. Schleck
3. Horner
4. Evans
5. S. Sanchez
VSP PICKS:
1. A. Schleck
2. Evans
3. Leipheimer
4. Contador
5. Wiggo
Thanks, Frank!
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Evans
3. Andy Shleck
4. Gilbert
5. Cavendish
VSP PICKS:
1. evans
2. contador
3. a schleck
4. wiggins
5. horner
Let’s see if Horner can live up to his infamous claim that no one can drop him with the exception of Contador. Let’s also hope that Andy puts in some real attacks and BMC can provide SOME support to our favorite temperamental Aussie. Vive Le Tour!
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A. Schleck
3. Evans
4. Jurgen Van Den Broek
5. Horner
@Oli
+1 on this.
But do you think Cavendish has already made the sprinter/rouluer metamorphasis?
If Spanish Steaks turn out to be outlawed post hoc, do we all get a refund?
Also, I’m conditionally putting in my VSP picks for la Vuelta now – if He of the Allegedly Plasticized Blood wins and gets to keep his jerseys, I’m almost guaranteeing a triple-crown attempt with its attendant near-certain success (how’s that for boldly hedging my bets!?).
Cuddles is the lightest dark horse ever. Given all this tribulations and assuming he’s not related to Sven S, this is the year for his dog to get on the podium in Paris where the reporters will keep a respectful distance and thus get to keep their heads.
Frandy junior will lose time on the TT but gain it on a hill top somewhere. As long Grimplette attacks outside the last km of the climb, Cuddles will catch up to Contador whose ailing legs will hurt him Scarponi-style in week three.
He Who Should Be Busted Because We Don’t Get Faster As We Pass 40 (that title wouldn’t fit in the box above so I’m putting it here) will eventually get dropped and by more than just Alonso’s Vegetarian Friend, but will still out-climb Wiggo and Basso and will survive the relatively short TT km’s with a slender hold on 4th. Then he’ll be done by AFLD (even if they have to plant a baggie on him to do it) and retire in disgrace, turning up at a Grand Jury painted yellow and perched in a cage.
CVV will hang in and hang in and then forget to go for a ride on the second rest day and lose 4 minutes the day afterwards but still finish ahead of the rest of the would-be contenders.
VSP PICKS:
1. Cadelephant
2. The Spanish Vegan
3. Raggedy Andy
4. Can’t Drop Me Horner
5. The World’s Most Fragile GC Ride
@frank
100% that was Dave Zabriskie’s idea.
The Odour wasn’t as good in TT last year after putting it all on the road up the Tourmalet, and Schleck sucked in the Prologue and won’t have to worry about that. This year’s TT is similarly after some filthy mountain stages that surely Schleck will put the hammer down on, so his losses will be limited there.
Going to be a great race!
VSP PICKS:
1. SchleckA
2. The Odour,
3. Cuddles
4. Horner
5. VDB II
I really want to see Horner on the podium. Don’t remotely enjoy the Schelacks, so no votes for them.
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Basso
3. Horner
4. Evans
5. Levi
@frank I know the whole disappointment thing. Recall how bertie “won” his first tour? The Chicken’s team fired him while he was in yellow, and certain to finish with it in Paris. WTF? And worse, I still have my autographed Velonews issue with “King Floyd” on the cover. It sits next to the framed FFF thank you note I still have on my wall. *sigh*
Woah, Thor with long hair…awesomeness!
I really, really can’t believe Le Tour is here!…Where in the hell have the first sixth months of 2011 gone?
Oh wait…riding my bike, following races, and workin’ the VSP!
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuntador
2. A. Schleck
3. Wiggins
4. Cadel
5. Basso
@Oli
4: Gilbert
5: Cav
Stop it, my sides are hurting!
Most excellent image featured up top but only partly due to the Badger’s serious intent to inflict pain.
Note that the spectators are all actually watching the bike race with their eyes and not through some device! Remember the days when people actually participated in an experience, in real time, without feeling the need to record it for a subsequent worthless occasion?
But the woman on the right, pointing and laughing…does Hinault have a posterior man satchel?
My picks are made in collaboration with my heart not my brain.
VSP PICKS:
1. cadel evans
2. ivan basso
3. andy schleck
4. b. wiggins
5. d. cunego
@brett
I firmly believe that Cavendish has it in him to one day stand in Paris wearing the final yellow jersey. Just wait, you’ll see!
Either that or I’m totally still confused about the rules and thought some easy stage points were on offer…