Velominati Super Prestige: 2011 Le Tour de France
While a good number of Velominati get all uppity around May and make rash statements like their preferred Grand Tour is the Giro d’Italia, because it has more and bigger climbs, beautiful white roads and crazy tifosi, there’s no denying that Le Tour de France is the real grandaddy of them all.
Admit it, July trumps May every time.
Maybe it’s because of the greater media attention, or the fact that there’s bound to be a controversy, but I for one look forward to this time of year with a fervour that has myself and others residing in the lower half of the world consuming inhuman amounts of caffeine and staving off sleep deprivation for 21 days on end, without question or cause for concern. It’s all about the bike (race) and nothing else really gets a look in. Job? Ah, we can do that blurry-eyed and with concentration levels that are probably below safe standards if operating heavy machinery. Or even computers. In fact, operating a computer becomes the central task of the day, as we check results, reports, the topography and distance of the next stage, and of course our VSP standings.
Which brings us to the Blue Riband event on the 2011 Velominati Super Prestige; Le Tour de France. Who will be resplendent in the Maillot Jaune after three weeks of high-pressure tipping, rest-day swaps and bonus stage picks? Have we seen the last of Steampunk’s yellow reign of terror? It’s time to peak, to climb well for your weight, and move Sur La Plaque to the top of the VSP. Study the guidelines (with a grain of salt, as whatever we say here overrides the guide, so ask if you’re not sure), respect the Piti Principle, and enjoy the next three weeks of the greatest show on earth. As usual, get your picks in by 5am Pacific time on Saturday morning. If you wait until the last moment and bugger it up, don’t come crying, just wait until the first rest day with all the others who pulled a Delgado.
Brett’s Take:
As a Keeper, my own tips don’t count to any jerseys or prizes, so this Tour I think I’ll tip with my heart rather than my head; it’s let me down enough this season anyway, so any ‘logic’ or ‘knowledge’ is to be discarded and replaced with ’emotion’ and ‘taking a stab in the dark’. In fact, I might even target the KOM this time around, try and get in some long breakaways and pick up points over the smaller cols while none of the big contenders are paying any real attention. Yeah, channel the spirit of JaJa, Reeshard and the Chicken. Better get me some juice.
Taking the heart over head approach, I have to say that this is going to be the year of an upset. It’s there for Cadelephant to take. The cards are all falling for him; Cont Of The Highest Odor will fade in the last week, spent from his Giro and without a reliable supply of prime beef to call upon; Grimplette, while he may have been foxing in Switzerland, just doesn’t have the firepower to match it with Cuddles or COTHO against the clock, and hasn’t got the mental capacity to attack in the mountains. Wiggins, Gesink, Grimpelder… they’ll be fighting for scraps.
It’s a three horse race, this one, but at last count there’s only three steps on a podium.
Marko’s Take:
Recently on these pages we’ve at once lamented the loss of the all-rounder GC contender and derided the formulaic predictability that “well-rounded” riders in the modern peloton employ to win races. All the names at the top of the Giants of the Road list, however, excelled at one thing, winning the biggest sporting event in the world. But it isn’t climbing prowess, time trialling efficiency, tactical sense, and winning ability alone that endear riders to us. If it was it would be way easier and really boring to be a cycling fan. So what is the difference between a guy like say, LeMan and a guy like Armstrong? Panache. What we’ve lost isn’t a type of rider but a style of rider. Rather what we’ve lost is panache. If, in the modern day, being a douchenozzle or belladonna means panache, so be it. But if doping scandals and bro-mances make you yawn, keep in mind there is a lot of bike racing going on in le Grand Boucle.
So I ask, where’s the panache as far as GC contenders go? Cuddles (may have blown his panache wad last year), Le Petit Grimpeur (no panache), Sammy Sanchez (panacheicito), Basso (panached-out), Horner (Mcpanache), JVDB (panache-a-be), CVDV (pa-crash), Veino (panachenozzle), and Ryder (trying to get all the Canadian panache that Don Cherry has been hogging for the last 30 years). For me, other than Cuddles, Veino, and Ryder it’s hard to get really excited about any of the GC contenders. But alas, I will not vote solely with my heart like my Aussie bro in New Zealand. I will do my best to garner points for no other reason than pride as I don’t get shit for winning either.
So then, now that I’ve gotten all pessimistic about the GC, what am I looking forward to? Panache, fucktards. I wanna see Faboo tow Frandy through the TTT for Leotard Schleck (thanks Dr C) and then make some perfect amount of dumb remark afterward. I wanna see Cavenisgrowingonmedish win some sprints. I wanna see Farrar beat the Manx Mouth in some sprints or cry trying. I wanna believe in the Rainbow Jersey again. I wanna see if Tomeke still has what it takes. I wanna see Jens hurt EVERYBODY. I wanna see some Russian or Spanish dude I’ve never heard of have the ride of his life and shed some tears on the podium, and I wanna see Gilbert on a long solo break on his birthday get himself a stage win and maybe even the yellow jersey for a bit.
The reason this race is so cool is there are so many races within the race. Sure, you betcha, get drawn into to GC drama but don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. There’s a shit-ton gonna happen in the next three weeks and it’s gonna be good.
Gianni’s Take:
Burned from the all too predicable days of Pharmy, I just don’t care that much about the yellow jersey, Contador or a Schleck – ahhhh, who cares, skinny little bastards. I’m all in for the drama hidden within each day’s race. A stage win in the Tour can make a rider’s career and every stage has unscripted drama: Stuey O’Grady finishing the stage within the time limit, riding in from 100km out with a broken collar bone. Or Magnus Backstead riding in by himself, dropped in the small mountains, finishing beyond the time limit, his number peeled off his jersey and he is ruined. These things happen every day in the Tour.
I like a good spoiler, like Eros Poli on Mount Ventoux, or the spoiler small break that stays away when the last 40km is a high speed tailwind run, ruining a day for the sprinters. I like Rik Verbruggen, flat back, so aero on his bike, hauling ass, a crazy solo bid for glory. I want to see more of that. I would be thrilled to see one of the Garmin roulers win a stage, and I’ll be thrilled if HTC doesn’t win the TTT.
I can schleckulate about a few things: unless Contador and Cavendish get their front wheels tangled up together resulting in a horrendous career threatening crash, both Andy Schleck and Tyler Farrar are doomed. I’m sorry, Andy can’t go fast unless it’s a steep hill (up) and no one is as good a sprinter as Cav, by a lot. Then again, if my schleckulations were worth anything, I wouldn’t be down in the boggy hole that is the low end of the VSP results.
Frank’s Take:
Every year, it happens. Every single year. It has a bitter taste, Disappointment. It sits on the front of your tongue like a small black weight that is surprisingly heavy for its size. Even though you’re not swallowing it, the taste spreads throughout, slowly – into your jaws first, then the rest of your being.
With one exception, I have never had my chips down for a rider who ended up winning – not since 1990, when I was all-in for Greg LeMond. 1991-1995 was Indurain: I favored first Bugno, then Rominger. 1996: Virenque. 1997: Virenque. 1998: Pantani; it was a long shot, but the awesome little dude pulled it off for once in my life. 1999: Zulle. 2000-2004: Ullrich. 2005-2006: Basso. 2007: The Chicken. 2008: Frank Schleck. 2009-2010: The Grimplette. But I continue to favor the dark horse because I know that when I am redeemed, it will be glorious beyond articulation.
This will be that year. Not because I will change my tactic, but because this is the one for les Fréres Grimpeur. It’s a hilly enough race with enough uphill finishes – we all know the skinny boys have a challenge when the road points down. (You’d really think that with all that practicing they do going uphill that they’d occasionally get a chance to practice going down one as well, but those boys descend like first-year amateurs.) Bertie blew the guns at a very difficult Giro and all the Spanish Beef in the world can’t help you recoup from that kind of effort in time for a similarly difficult Tour. Cuddles is a pipe dream borne from the understandably optimistic thoughts from our antipodal brothers and sisters in Oz and Newz. Wiggo, Vande Velde, Gesink, and Van den Broek will all learn how hard it is to pull out a good Tour ride for a second (or first) time when the pressure is truly on.
I’ve also vowed not to get caught up in my propensity to dwell on the fact that Contador should not be in the race. The fact that a rider who failed a dope test in last year’s Tour has been allowed to start is a reflection of the ineffectiveness of Cycling’s governing bodies, not on Bertie. True, I hate him and would be happy to see him not start, but if I were in his shoes, I admit that would start if I was allowed to. And, lets face it: Andy’s win will mean more when it comes with the defeat of Alberto than with a nonstart.
Sorry that shoulda been ballsy descending! Autocorrect…
Podium!
@Marcus Whew. The ballet reference had me thinking that perhaps you were showing us a softer, kinder, gentler Marcus. Terrific news that’s not the case. It’s bad enough watching Murdoch pere et fils try to show their sensitive sides and dealing with revelations of Brett’s compact. I couldn’t cope with any more Australians following suit.
Then again, given the degree of athleticism, strength and pain-endurance which serious ballet requires, referencing it in a description of Cuddles’ performance is actually quite appropriate.
@G’phant
if only I had a sensitive side like Rupert Murdoch. In all the goings on this week he has won again. News of the World was a business that accounted for about 1% of Newscorp, however Newscorp shares have dropped by a bundle. So what does old Rupey do? He has been a big buyer ever since the scandal started. Now Newscorp shares have soared today. Rupe makes a shitload once more…
@Netraam
No shit. You all know how I love les Freres Grimpeur, but to win a Tour you need more than fast uphill finishing speed. You can be a crap TTer. Or a crap descender. But you can’t be both.
Very disappointed with Andy’s words. Refer to Rule #5, Andy. Show ’em how it’s done tomorrow.
@frank
Andy must be very scared about the next stage. Imagine how sore his hands are gonna get squeezing the brakes coming off Sestriere.
At least the heat from the rims might keep him a bit warm.
Interesting little analysis of the contenders here written from a biased Australian perspective by our version of Phil Liggett, Matt Keenan (but far more knowledgable).
He brings up one stat in particular – other than the Stage 1 crash and TTT, Contador has only lost 16 seconds to Evans…
And some even handed reporting from Cadel’s local newspaper
I am a fan of Andy, and recognize that his terrible descending (the worst I’ve seen to date) might be a function of the psychological effects of WW’s death, BUT the whining has got to stop. He’s got to shake it off, admit he had a shitty day, come back today and show that he can apply some V.
Yesterday’s performance by Faboo (getting the Schlecks back up) was another example of why he’s awesome. When he got on the wheel, everyone probably thought “What? He’s still there?” I thought he was already in the grupetto.
I’ll make one more prediction about this tour. If Cadel wins, Plastic surgeons everywhere will be touting the aerodynamic benefits of the bumchin. The most in demand plastic surgery for b grade racers will be the manly cleft to channel the airflow down the face and away from the riders frontal area: Zipp will manufacture a 24mm tyre that will be 2x12mm on either side of a central groove. Grown men with shaved legs will be looked down on by men with shaved legs AND ‘the cadel’. Following this, the UCI will place a 3 to 1 aspect ratio restriction on the depth and width of the cleft, and require a sticker to be placed on the cleft before you will be allowed to race it in a UCI sanctioned event.
@Marcus
Ha! The lizard man lives! The upsides keep on giving if you’re Rupert Murdoch. Because he’s a cold blooded lizard he won’t care when his kids get sent to prison.
@Minion
Gold!
@Seth!
If you mean Sagan chasing down Cunego on a wet road with the camera motos struggling to keep up then, hell yes, that is what we want to see!
@mcsqueak
Sat down last night to catch up having been on holiday for a week to find that most of the stages, inlcuding all of of the Pyrenese stages had failed to record! I blame that bastard, Murdoch, it’s his sattelite company!
Gutted.
@Chris
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-iuQ2dfyZE
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtpQ_7Bj_YM&feature=related
@mouse
I can’t think what helmets are gonna be like.
@Minion
Genius. Another reason to root for Cuddles.
Damn, what must it have felt like to be EBH? Getting doubled up on after racing all day in the rain has to be a sonofabitch.
I knew it wasn’t in the cards, but would have been awesome if Thor told Ryder to go for it. Has to be tough to be that close to a stage win and not be able to ride for it, but hey, that’s the role when you’ve got the World Champ on your team and in the breakaway.
Ha! Andy gets no mercy from Dave Harmon.
We have Climbone for the itching sensation that develops in the legs when watching others on a beautiful climb. What term is suitable for the slight fluttering of the heart and desire for be screaming down a descent?
Fanfrickingflightawannabe?
@earnest
he does criticize them a fair bit. but I really like their commentary.
@Ron
It was more a case that EBH could easily roll poor Ryder, but not so easily roll Hushovd. If Ryder had been able to stay clear I think Thor would have been glad to see him get the win, so I don’t think it was team orders more just a case of one-twoing going the way of the stronger of the two.
@Oli
That and I think when you’re in the Tour and the man with the rainbow is on your team and can get a stage you don’t expect gifts.
@Ron
Yeah, me too, except this was the right call since EBH has a fast finish that Ryder would never win against.
I love Thor’s plan, though. What a stud. “Oh…I guess I can’t beat the sprinters anymore…I wonder how I’m going to win sprints…I KNOW! I’ll only sprint against climbers, because I bet I can outsprint guys like Andy Schleck. So how do I sprint against them? Oh, I know. I’ll just get good at climbing.”
@RedRanger
Definitely. Based on their commentary alone, any of the three Eurosport guys seem like they’d be a great hang over drinks and meal. “Yes, Mr. Kelly, please continue rambling on. Wanna’ go ride later?”
Thor is just an all round stud!
Today the fire works will be on the last climb but considering the next 2 days I am guessing that it won’t be a big effort by the top guys?
@RedRanger
LIgget is openly hostile towards them. Hasn’t said a solitary nice thing about either one of them. Since the start of the Tour.
Which ultimately I don’t get. Obviously they haven’t managed to get away and make gains (aside from Luz Ardiden), but they’ve been by far the most combative GC riders in the race since we’ve hit the mountains. Sure, it didn’t work, and I’d have liked them to review what a “one-two punch” actually is (please don’t sit and rest between the punches, lads) but everyone else has been reactionary.
With the notable exception of yesterday’s spectacular riding from Evans and Bertie, and the equally spectacular Schleckscending and subsequent whining from you-know-who.
…and one more thing…You’re a professional. Racing bikes is your life. You know you are bad at descending. You know you are bad at TT’s. You have seemingly endless resources available in a team built around you.
Why not improve your weaknesses? Why not visit a wind tunnel and practice TTing for, like, three months straight. While you’re out training in the mountains day after day, why not ride down one occasionally and learn to become a badass at that?
You know mountain bikers and ‘cross racers have great bike handling skills and yours suck. Why not take up those sports in the off-season and get good at it?
I just don’t get it. When I was racing skis, I was obsessed at getting better at the things I was worse at than my rivals. Maintain the stuff you’re already better at, and work on the crap you suck at.
It’s really not that complicated.
@Rob – I could see (good)Cadel having a crack at an action replay…if he can wiggle out another 30secs or a minute before the high Alps, he’s could start feeling pretty comfy. Anyways, aside from that, it looks like he’s hit the Rule #5 Bar and drank them out of harden the fuck up juice recently. The man’s on fire.
@frank
Absolutely.
There was an interview I read a few weeks ago with Andy, and he was giving high praise to Cancellara about how he’ll go out for 6 hours at a time on his time-trial bike to train. Andy’s tone in the interview was as if couldn’t quite believe Faboo did it; there was a definite dislike for TT’ing implied. But I was thinking, “Uh, yeah…that’s what you should be doing, too.” If you have one of the world’s best time trialists as your everyday riding partner, and you happen to suck at it, why wouldn’t you take a few hints from him at all opportunities?
@frank
I agree totally with you totally on the second part of your response. I have watched 4 grand tours to date and I always watch the Eurosport stream, so I have very little knowledge of what the US coverage is like. But I like the honest commentary.
GO EBH!
My issue with Frandy isn’t their tactics. It’s their complaining. Holy Merckx, its bike racing, its an outdoor sport!
@Marko
Some EBH quotes:
“Sean Kelly? Sorry, I am not so good with cycling history. I just want to race.” –Edvald Boasson Hagen—Norwegian TV
“Lourdes has the virgin Mary, we have Thor Hushovd!” Stage 13 2011 TdF
Double Ha! Dave Harmon to Andy Schleck: “STOP looking over your shoulder! It’s the forward motion that counts, Sir!”
This descent is crazy… Hivert is out of control.
Harmon on Eurosport just basically yelled at Andy: “Don’t look over your shoulder!!”
Crap! Guys flying off the tarmac all over the place on this descent…
Clentador is flying! Harmon going nuts!!
@earnest
Nice!
Whoa! Bertie and Sammy working together, Tommy V all alone!
looks like the Schlecks are loosing more time.
While do I find myself cheering AC? Merckx help me!
Ok. Now I think Sanchez sucks.
or not
Oli – ah, that makes sense. Didn’t think about that enough, but yeah, Edvald is of course a faster finisher than Ryder. Thanks for pointing that out.
And yeah, I guess the man in the rainbow hoops is the Big Gun on the team all year long, in all situations.
Wish I could have watched all of the racing yesterday, had to settle for the last hour. This working stuff sucks!
I love the Eurosport guys. I watch online and watch their feed. If I’m around a t.v. I’ll watch on Versus but mute it and listen on Eurosport. Funny to see the same video feed but have different commentary on the same stuff.
Frank – great point! If you are a PRO your job is to always, always work at getting better. You can’t win the biggest bike race on the calendar unless you are talented across the board. Got to say those comments from A. Schleck mean he needs to refer to Rule V immediately.
Bad mistake by Voeckler.
Even though it didn’t work…(Serves you right you brown nose).
@pakrat
Because he’s actually racing?
Eddy the Boss: kid can ride.
French riders were just punching their parking voucher on that turn.
@pakrat
Because by cheered COTHO, that may make The schlecklette understand that they need to start producing some V.
Bernard Vallet, a old french racer who do the commentary here in quebec for evasion tv during the last climb was shouting at Frère grimpeur cadet: And again Andy is looking back to check his brother. Frank where are you hiding ?
There will be some nice fireworks tommorrow.
And Bossen Hagen, next classics superstar. Him vs L’ours des ardennes wil be very interesting
Oh, the heartbreak if Voeckler loses the tour by anything less than 26 seconds. He will lament that parking stable for the rest of his days if so.