Velominati Super Prestige: 2011 Le Tour de France
While a good number of Velominati get all uppity around May and make rash statements like their preferred Grand Tour is the Giro d’Italia, because it has more and bigger climbs, beautiful white roads and crazy tifosi, there’s no denying that Le Tour de France is the real grandaddy of them all.
Admit it, July trumps May every time.
Maybe it’s because of the greater media attention, or the fact that there’s bound to be a controversy, but I for one look forward to this time of year with a fervour that has myself and others residing in the lower half of the world consuming inhuman amounts of caffeine and staving off sleep deprivation for 21 days on end, without question or cause for concern. It’s all about the bike (race) and nothing else really gets a look in. Job? Ah, we can do that blurry-eyed and with concentration levels that are probably below safe standards if operating heavy machinery. Or even computers. In fact, operating a computer becomes the central task of the day, as we check results, reports, the topography and distance of the next stage, and of course our VSP standings.
Which brings us to the Blue Riband event on the 2011 Velominati Super Prestige; Le Tour de France. Who will be resplendent in the Maillot Jaune after three weeks of high-pressure tipping, rest-day swaps and bonus stage picks? Have we seen the last of Steampunk’s yellow reign of terror? It’s time to peak, to climb well for your weight, and move Sur La Plaque to the top of the VSP. Study the guidelines (with a grain of salt, as whatever we say here overrides the guide, so ask if you’re not sure), respect the Piti Principle, and enjoy the next three weeks of the greatest show on earth. As usual, get your picks in by 5am Pacific time on Saturday morning. If you wait until the last moment and bugger it up, don’t come crying, just wait until the first rest day with all the others who pulled a Delgado.
Brett’s Take:
As a Keeper, my own tips don’t count to any jerseys or prizes, so this Tour I think I’ll tip with my heart rather than my head; it’s let me down enough this season anyway, so any ‘logic’ or ‘knowledge’ is to be discarded and replaced with ’emotion’ and ‘taking a stab in the dark’. In fact, I might even target the KOM this time around, try and get in some long breakaways and pick up points over the smaller cols while none of the big contenders are paying any real attention. Yeah, channel the spirit of JaJa, Reeshard and the Chicken. Better get me some juice.
Taking the heart over head approach, I have to say that this is going to be the year of an upset. It’s there for Cadelephant to take. The cards are all falling for him; Cont Of The Highest Odor will fade in the last week, spent from his Giro and without a reliable supply of prime beef to call upon; Grimplette, while he may have been foxing in Switzerland, just doesn’t have the firepower to match it with Cuddles or COTHO against the clock, and hasn’t got the mental capacity to attack in the mountains. Wiggins, Gesink, Grimpelder… they’ll be fighting for scraps.
It’s a three horse race, this one, but at last count there’s only three steps on a podium.
Marko’s Take:
Recently on these pages we’ve at once lamented the loss of the all-rounder GC contender and derided the formulaic predictability that “well-rounded” riders in the modern peloton employ to win races. All the names at the top of the Giants of the Road list, however, excelled at one thing, winning the biggest sporting event in the world. But it isn’t climbing prowess, time trialling efficiency, tactical sense, and winning ability alone that endear riders to us. If it was it would be way easier and really boring to be a cycling fan. So what is the difference between a guy like say, LeMan and a guy like Armstrong? Panache. What we’ve lost isn’t a type of rider but a style of rider. Rather what we’ve lost is panache. If, in the modern day, being a douchenozzle or belladonna means panache, so be it. But if doping scandals and bro-mances make you yawn, keep in mind there is a lot of bike racing going on in le Grand Boucle.
So I ask, where’s the panache as far as GC contenders go? Cuddles (may have blown his panache wad last year), Le Petit Grimpeur (no panache), Sammy Sanchez (panacheicito), Basso (panached-out), Horner (Mcpanache), JVDB (panache-a-be), CVDV (pa-crash), Veino (panachenozzle), and Ryder (trying to get all the Canadian panache that Don Cherry has been hogging for the last 30 years). For me, other than Cuddles, Veino, and Ryder it’s hard to get really excited about any of the GC contenders. But alas, I will not vote solely with my heart like my Aussie bro in New Zealand. I will do my best to garner points for no other reason than pride as I don’t get shit for winning either.
So then, now that I’ve gotten all pessimistic about the GC, what am I looking forward to? Panache, fucktards. I wanna see Faboo tow Frandy through the TTT for Leotard Schleck (thanks Dr C) and then make some perfect amount of dumb remark afterward. I wanna see Cavenisgrowingonmedish win some sprints. I wanna see Farrar beat the Manx Mouth in some sprints or cry trying. I wanna believe in the Rainbow Jersey again. I wanna see if Tomeke still has what it takes. I wanna see Jens hurt EVERYBODY. I wanna see some Russian or Spanish dude I’ve never heard of have the ride of his life and shed some tears on the podium, and I wanna see Gilbert on a long solo break on his birthday get himself a stage win and maybe even the yellow jersey for a bit.
The reason this race is so cool is there are so many races within the race. Sure, you betcha, get drawn into to GC drama but don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees. There’s a shit-ton gonna happen in the next three weeks and it’s gonna be good.
Gianni’s Take:
Burned from the all too predicable days of Pharmy, I just don’t care that much about the yellow jersey, Contador or a Schleck – ahhhh, who cares, skinny little bastards. I’m all in for the drama hidden within each day’s race. A stage win in the Tour can make a rider’s career and every stage has unscripted drama: Stuey O’Grady finishing the stage within the time limit, riding in from 100km out with a broken collar bone. Or Magnus Backstead riding in by himself, dropped in the small mountains, finishing beyond the time limit, his number peeled off his jersey and he is ruined. These things happen every day in the Tour.
I like a good spoiler, like Eros Poli on Mount Ventoux, or the spoiler small break that stays away when the last 40km is a high speed tailwind run, ruining a day for the sprinters. I like Rik Verbruggen, flat back, so aero on his bike, hauling ass, a crazy solo bid for glory. I want to see more of that. I would be thrilled to see one of the Garmin roulers win a stage, and I’ll be thrilled if HTC doesn’t win the TTT.
I can schleckulate about a few things: unless Contador and Cavendish get their front wheels tangled up together resulting in a horrendous career threatening crash, both Andy Schleck and Tyler Farrar are doomed. I’m sorry, Andy can’t go fast unless it’s a steep hill (up) and no one is as good a sprinter as Cav, by a lot. Then again, if my schleckulations were worth anything, I wouldn’t be down in the boggy hole that is the low end of the VSP results.
Frank’s Take:
Every year, it happens. Every single year. It has a bitter taste, Disappointment. It sits on the front of your tongue like a small black weight that is surprisingly heavy for its size. Even though you’re not swallowing it, the taste spreads throughout, slowly – into your jaws first, then the rest of your being.
With one exception, I have never had my chips down for a rider who ended up winning – not since 1990, when I was all-in for Greg LeMond. 1991-1995 was Indurain: I favored first Bugno, then Rominger. 1996: Virenque. 1997: Virenque. 1998: Pantani; it was a long shot, but the awesome little dude pulled it off for once in my life. 1999: Zulle. 2000-2004: Ullrich. 2005-2006: Basso. 2007: The Chicken. 2008: Frank Schleck. 2009-2010: The Grimplette. But I continue to favor the dark horse because I know that when I am redeemed, it will be glorious beyond articulation.
This will be that year. Not because I will change my tactic, but because this is the one for les Fréres Grimpeur. It’s a hilly enough race with enough uphill finishes – we all know the skinny boys have a challenge when the road points down. (You’d really think that with all that practicing they do going uphill that they’d occasionally get a chance to practice going down one as well, but those boys descend like first-year amateurs.) Bertie blew the guns at a very difficult Giro and all the Spanish Beef in the world can’t help you recoup from that kind of effort in time for a similarly difficult Tour. Cuddles is a pipe dream borne from the understandably optimistic thoughts from our antipodal brothers and sisters in Oz and Newz. Wiggo, Vande Velde, Gesink, and Van den Broek will all learn how hard it is to pull out a good Tour ride for a second (or first) time when the pressure is truly on.
I’ve also vowed not to get caught up in my propensity to dwell on the fact that Contador should not be in the race. The fact that a rider who failed a dope test in last year’s Tour has been allowed to start is a reflection of the ineffectiveness of Cycling’s governing bodies, not on Bertie. True, I hate him and would be happy to see him not start, but if I were in his shoes, I admit that would start if I was allowed to. And, lets face it: Andy’s win will mean more when it comes with the defeat of Alberto than with a nonstart.
Gosh, my new picKs aren’t much better than the last lot…
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Evans
3. Andy Shleck
4. Horner
5. Wiggins
Début VSP selection and dead cert for the Lantern Rouge
VSP PICKS:
1. Bertie
2. Basso
3. Little Schleck
4. Cunego
5. Wiggo
@Oli
You’re too much!
I hate brad wiggins… he is a douhebag! there I said it… screw you wiggo! go cadel
VSP PICKS:
1. Cuntador
2. Andy Schlecktacular
3. Cadelephant
4. Chris Horner
5. Wiggins
Tour de France ring tone on phone, preview magazine by my bed, three weeks of live coverage and not getting any work done. Bring it on!!
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A Schlek
3. Wiggo
4. Sanchez
5. Cuddles
That launch ceremony was the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. So bad as to make you think someone, somewhere really is certificably mental.
Cavendouche is really, really fast. Untouchably fast. I can’t stand him but he is clearly better than anyone else in a sprint finish.
Hoping PG Tips gets a stage win to go with everything else he’s won this year (which is pretty much everything after mid April that wasn’t a grand tour). Even if his bleached hair looks absurd.
Those Trek’s are either (a) yawn inducing – I’m looking at you radio shak or (b) ever so slightly (disturbingly) homo erotic. The two lions on the Schleck’s bikes look like they are spooning. And all those helmets and spears on Faboo’s Madone. Hmmmm. Anyone else think “Top Gun”? And why do they have to have Andy/Frank/Fabbo’s name so prominently on the top tube? I can understand that the Schleck Freres might get confused as between their respective rides, but something discrete would probably have worked, not sure it needed “ANDY” on the top tube in 3 inch lettering. Looks stupid.
I hope Cadelephant wins. I also hope he does so without giving a single interview in which he sounds like a whining child. But I also hope that I get home to find I’ve won the lottery and my wife has bought the house next door which is now filled with my harem of nubile … sorry, you lost me there for a minute. Anyhow, I think the chances of a Cadelephant victory are about the same..
@GluteCramp
He Who Should Be Busted Because We Don’t Get Faster As We Pass 40 (that title wouldn’t fit in the box above so I’m putting it here) will eventually get dropped and by more than just Alonso’s Vegetarian Friend, but will still out-climb Wiggo and Basso and will survive the relatively short TT km’s with a slender hold on 4th. Then he’ll be done by AFLD (even if they have to plant a baggie on him to do it) and retire in disgrace, turning up at a Grand Jury painted yellow and perched in a cage.
@glutecramp +1 priceless
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Basso
3. A Schleck
4. Kreuziger
5. Evans
@frank
Merckx’s Cock, WTF – this is homo erotica taken to a whole new level, can we petition to get TH lobbed from the TdF – I’ve only just recovered from the left indicator shot at the TdS Stage 4 finish, no need for this
Definitely wouldn’t be sleeping easily in the Cervelo team bus – mind you, the rest seem quite happy to join the fray – “passive” is the term I believe – next they’ll be playing “Spin the Chamois Cream Tube”
Boke
Thor Hushovd -60 billion
Well at least I won’t Delgado, now.
VSP PICKS:
1. Albeefo Contordure
2. Shlecklet
3. Cuddles
4. VDB II
5. Guessingk
I so want Cadel to win but……..
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Andy Schleck
3. Cadel
4. Sammy Sanchez
5. Basso
@G’phant
“Contordure”
Well done
maybe Schleck the Younger’s new go-faster saddle might make a difference. I’ve just lanced a longstanding saddle sore-eeew!! if Clenbutador wins again I’ll turn vegan.
the artwork on their machines… is shit. Spartacus wasn’t a Spartan-duh! so that’s cock. only Futura 2000, Stash or Barry McGee should be allowed to paint bike as they aim high and hit the target.
VSP PICKS:
1. Schleck the younger
2. dirty sanchez
3. clenbutador
4. twiggy
5. nibbles
I actually like Contador – just wish he wasn’t riding. Punters across the world are scratching their heads as to how he’s starting after being found positive. Even if it was 0.0000005 concentration.
I reckon Cadel is in good shape. Andy might be dogging it. The others will make up the numbers (maybe they all will with C’dore racing).
Whatever, I’m just getting very freakin’ excited – bring it on
VSP PICKS:
1. Fucken Cuntador
2. Cadel
3. A. Schleck
4. Gesink
5. Sammy Sanchez
Mark is going to whip Thor’s ass in the sprints (assuming he stays with the peloton), but Thor + a hammer beats anyone.
@brett
Hey, you can’t be this pretty and smart!
I’m sorry, but that pic of Thor with the hammer has just really lowered my opinion of Garmin-Cervelo. Truly pathetic. Just because the Tour puts on a corny presentation doesn’t mean you have to shed your dignity and play along. Kinda reminds me of LeBron’s big coming out party when he joined the Heat and we all know how that ended up – second place. The big TH better be ready to kick ass after that display, but something tells me Cavendish will cream him in every straight-up head-to-head sprint.
Like a bad Spanish steak this is a tough choice. If Contador is on the juice I can’t see him falling off the podium. I would rather see Cadel finally pull one off, but he’s disappointed so often in the past. My heart says let him win but my head says he won’t quite get there.
VSP PICKS:
1. Grimpeur the Younger
2. The Spanish Beef
3. Good Cadelephant
4. Wiggo
5. Levi
I don’t agree that Cadel disappoints us every year. He fulfills our need for drama, races hard and perhaps disappoints himself.
Still, he’ll be there this year.
I think this is gearing up to be a great edition.
Ah shit this is too hard, I’ve changed my picks already since I started typing…
Horner in or Horner out, is this Gesink’s break out year, has Wiggo peaked too early, can he last in the high mountains that long…
I’ve decided, this will be a climbers year (he says leaving Sanchez out finally), dammit!
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Schleckette
3. C A D E L
4. Gesink
5. Horner
@ben
Is Cav breaching Rule #51in that pic?
I’m continuing my successful strategy from the TDS (hey, 2 points is 2 points) of going with the odds – I figure bookmakers don’t get rich by losing.
Although I think 8/11 against on Basso in top 5 is less than generous.
And I’ve reached the stage of not caring about Contador’s steak seasoning – the way he rode the Giro was worth a bucketload of forgiveness.
If I have one main wish for the Tour (apart from Evans proving me wrong and winning the thing) it is for Gilbert to spend a few days in yellow. He’s 250-1 for a top 5 finish BTW.
If I have one
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. A Schelck
3. Evans
4. Gesink
5. Sanchez
@Harminator
You might be right… but if we’ve got to keep the PROs in line then Thor is in flagrant violation of Rule #14 and Rule #15, and may also be breaking the Goldilocks Principle.
VSP PICKS:
1. Ändy Schleck
2. CÄdel
3. SÄnchez
4. Wiggins
5. FrÄnk Schleck
@ChrisO
Goddamnit, 250-1!! for that I may just leave him there at No1
Seems to be a real Cadel love thing going on here – shame coz he won’t be on the podium. That I do hope he brings his ventriloquist dog along for some post-match tantrums
Come on Philbert!
@ben
That thing he’s doing with his hand is known as a “Shocker” where I come from, and it’s not a windsurfing manoeuvre
– further -6 billion points for TH for that
….the -6 billion points is because he’s doing it at another man btw
regarding watching online, can you guys not see it on Eurosport UK?
http://www.eurosportplayer.co.uk/?partner=yah_co.uk
Non?
@Jonny
Ignore Thor. He’s lost his mind. Just a rainbow turd waiting to happen…
@Bianchi Denti
Cunego just shown with TdS that he is in great shape and he can get some decent help from his team except if Petachi get close to the Ultimate douche bag jersey. Gradet will not support roche, i am sorry but from what i saw at the giro, gradet should aim for gc and roche help him. Plus they are a french backed team, they will always be trying out some breakaway with their less important rider. If gradet can follow them on the flat, he then can leave everyone behind in the mountains and get alot of time. For VdB, one name: Gilbert ! Big ring master won’t be in the top 5 at Paris but he can go win a couple stage if he take them like one days classic, VdB just have to be in his wheels, help him take turn and they will wreak havoc on more rolling stage. Dirty sanchez with euskaltel just seems to be hanging to 5th place, he and his team won’t have the balls to go for yellow, they will play it safe and aim for 5th.
And lastly, brother grimpeur young, for one word: payback. Remember when the Brothers grimpeur rolled with Gilbert at the Liège-bastonne-liège and there might be a contract for Gilbert at Trek-leopard. Now imagine Gilbert rolling all the stage like they are one classic to the moutains and then let the brother grimpeur go away to the victory. Plus Spartacus to haul them in TTT. Job done automatic yellow to Andy.
@ben
please tell me that photo isn’t meant to be some matadorian bull fighting reinactment photopose, from the same eejits that took the ‘Thor as a Lady’ shot earlier? If so, can we petition to have Cav lobbed too?
Now I am over thinking it.
VSP PICKS:
1. Andy
2. Basso
3. Conti
4. Sanchez
5. Cunego
VSP PICKS:
1. A. Schleck
2. A. Contador
3. C. Evans
4. S. Sanchez
5. I. Basso
VSP PICKS:
1. Alberto Contador
2. Andy Schleck
3. Jurgen Van Den Broeck
4. Bradley Wiggins
5. Frank Schleck
So SB is gonna be rollin’ OG in the TdF this year. Where’s Snoop?
@ben
Damnit. If the photog would just have waited a moment to snap that shot, it would have shown that he was making the Sign of the Merckx. So close.
Cav’s got some guns though, donee?
Hold the presses!! I’m second guessing myself here. I had forgotten how close Bertie and Andy where last year time-wise. So, Andy with stomach full of anger (hopefully) + no Schleckanicals (ditto) + less TT miles = Grimplette on the top step.
@Godsight
I haven’t forgotten that LBL finish either. Add to that Gilbert’s vocalness against doping and I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help make sure that Clentador doesn’t spend even one day in yellow.
VSP PICKS:
1. Grimpeur the Younger
2. Clentador
3. Cuddles
4. Sammy Sanchez
5. Horner
@Dr C
Nope, not this year. You can pick it if you want, but last year we found that everyone picked either Cav or Thor, and it just came down to the first person to yell the name. We’ll leave it out this time round.
@frank
CAV!!!!
There, can I have the green jersey now?
@frank
I thought Thor was just playing with his nipples.
But on a point of etiquette, if someone makes the Sign of the Merckx at you should respond likewise, or return the Sign of the V like this:
Right, here’s the photo:
Although, this might be misunderstood in some cultural contexts.
Apologies for the double picture post.
@Bianchi Denti
I got your back, mate.
VSP PICKS:
1. Basso
2. Grimplette
3. Bad Cadelephant
4. Jolly Naughty Wiggins
5. Guessink.
Almost missed in the agony of the Worshiping Thor photo, is the new Garmvelo kit. Not bad in principle, but not thrilled with the saggy-looking pockets in the back…
Still can’t get over Tata Consulting being on that kit.
@frank
Is that the Indian company that makes pick up trucks? those things are the bees knees in Sicily. The Kit is way better than the bike they will be riding on, at least that’s how I look at it.
in a new garmin kit or not, i’m happy to volunteer my time as her tata consultant.
@RedRanger
TaTa Motors is at least related and possibly the parent company of TaTa Consulting, which is an IT Consultation firm. They use very nasty tactics to steal work away from US-based companies and move those jobs to India.
I’m not against outsourcing because so long as the activity makes the company more competitive an/or improves its operations, it ultimately makes the company more successful and therefor will in the end provide good value to the US GDP both in terms of revenue and domestic jobs. Successful outsourcing always requires a significant portion 20-50% of the work to be close to the business, so it should always require good domestic jobs.
However, I am against moving work to India at the detriment of the business’s operational productivity. TaTa tends to attract business by offering great rates and moving too much of it offshore, and spends the first portion of the engagement with high-level resources to give a good impression before swapping them out with very junior consultants who degrade and obfuscate the work to the point that it can’t be transitioned back to the company without a massive investment. But their rates are so low that companies who “do it right” can’t get the business.
The blame ultimately falls on the execs who fall for the ploy (over and over and over) but nevertheless, I am not a fan of that organization.
Off my high horse now.
WTF! I can’t take this anymore, might go back to sailing….
Cav defo on Spanish Steak, look how tall he has become
@frank
How’s about awarding the green jersey to the VSP entry with the most aggregate sprint points, and dotty jumper to the VSP entry with the most aggregate climbing points. No bonus points or advantage on overall VSP, but bragging rights and a jersey?
PS Strong work everyone.
VSP PICKS:
1. Contador
2. Schlick the younger
3. Sammy da man Sanchez
4. Horner
5. Gesink mee think
@scaler911
That’s roulin’ Il Pirata stylie right there. Pure class.
VSP PICKS:
1. Bertie