When it comes to hardmen, there aren’t many tougher than this guy. That he manages to mix massive amounts of V with similarly massive amounts of Casual Deliberation only serves to heighten the man-crushes of a bunch of older, fatter, balder men who see a visage of Spatacus looking back at us in the mirror every time we don lycra. We wish we could be him.

So I put myself into the mind of Fabs after his huge crash/broken back/ride anyway/forced to retire sequence the other day. The guy has had a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and as he gets to the twilight of his career, decisions need to be made. What Will Spartacus Do? Well, I don’t know, but I do know what Spartacus should do.

The only way for Faboo to go out is thus:

  • Take a break in the sun, drink rum, heal the injury and ride a scooter without a helmet. Try not to fall off.
  • Work off the fat from all the Mojitos and get training again.
  • Target the World Champs road race and win the bloody thing.
  • Look completely awesome in the rainbow bands (with black shorts) and win Lombardia.
  • Have a rest over winter, then train for one last Classics campaign.
  • Win Het Volk, E3, the Ronde and Roubaix while looking awesome in the bands.
  • Retire on the velodrome with a cobble in hand.
  • Un-retire. Break the Hour Record.
  • Replace fucking Jens on whatever commentary team I had to put up with listening to his shit the other night.

Shouldn’t be too big an ask.

Brett

Don't blame me

View Comments

  • Haha, Jens is a straight-up Legend, but I'm not digging on his commentary either - not one bit.

  • I wax & wane when it comes to Faboo, when you see things like the other night there's no end in sight to the man crush, but then he comes out whining about race conditions (see wet cobbles last year) and I begin to doubt myself again...

  • How big of an ask would it be to get V-themed WWSD bracelets made? Seems like an anti-Cantankerous Texan move. All proceeds go to a Keeper beer fund.

  • @SteelCamp

    Was just thinking today how good of a commentator Jens is

    That's like saying Joe Buck is a good commentator for football/baseball/whatever sport he's metastasized into. I like Jens as much as the next guy, but he should stick to marketing Shut Up Legs apparel. At least he's always cheerful on the air.

    Of course, I'll take him over Paul and Phil and what's his name with the gap in his teeth. There's a reason I stream the Eurosport feed.

  • " the man-crushes of a bunch of older, fatter, balder men " - ju talkin' about me?

    I was pretty disappointed not to see him on RVV and Paris-Roubaix this year - if he follows your exit plan I'm going again.

    I bet Mrs Faboo had a few words with him when/ if she visited him in hospital. "Two broken backs in one year Fabian - really?"

    I was pretty impressed at how he managed a 20% ramp after that spill - and then devastated to hear he was a non-starter for Stage 4. Fucking hard man!

  • Can I just point out, for the record, that whatever you see in the mirror in no way reflects Faboo.

    Just sayin'.

    Also, I don't understand the Phil/Paul hate; for me, those voices are Le Tour and the classics. As wrong as Phil is most of the time, it's endearing how Paul corrects him with a little chuckle.

    And how can anyone hate Jensie? He's a legend, mad as a bag of cats, funny as shit, and too happy to matter in his commentary.

  • "As wrong as Phil is most of the time" - that's kinda the point @frank. I'm tired of Bert and Ernie cocking up the basic stuff, let alone being capable of offering some sort insight into the multitude of stories within the race. Hurry up and put Matt Keenan on primetime.

  • He rode up Huy, in the saddle, broken back ...... tougher than the forge that makes the hammer, that hits the nail..

    Dont start on the commentary, Liggett and Sherwen or Eurosport feed which has the worst of them all in Kirby!! Matt Stephens and David Millar - thats the way to go

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