The Spandex Ballet
What does the layman observe when he sees a cyclist in the wild? While we do our utmost to Look Fantastic, in our own eyes and minds at least, outside observers may as well be witnessing little green aliens who’ve just stepped off their spacecraft and are heading to their very first fancy dress/drag party on this weird and wonderful planet called Earth. We go to great lengths to carefully match our kit, keep our shoes clean, make sure we are smooth and hairless, tanned, toned and terrific. We check the mirror as we’re leaving the house and see Merckx or De Vlaeminck looking back at us, hair slicked back and perfect sideburns. We see the brown skin and lean, lithe body of Contador or Nibali. Others may be greeted with a reflected visage of a Thor, Tommeke or Spartacus if more on the ‘Classics’ scale of the cyclist’s BMI. We see greatness, a fine example of athleticism and presentation, bound to turn heads and elicit breathless epithets as we glide easily by.
What the man in the street sees is a twat. And he probably has a point.
You’re out for lunch or coffee and witness a bunch of podgy, balding, pale middle-aged men ride up, awkwardly dismount then stand in the coffee queue while dripping sweat, smelling like a deceased polecat and talking loudly about how they “got spat out the ass” or “took a huge pull until I blew”. Your first reaction would probably be to grab your children, or anyone’s children, by the arm and quickly vacate the premises, protecting their eyes and ears from the freaks in tights and ballet shoes standing in their own puddle, oblivious to the small piece of snot perched on their crusted, bristly upper lip. The poor student behind the counter notices it though, and does his best to stifle a dry retch as he takes the Amex card from the increasingly crimson-faced road warrior. The clip-clop of his ridiculous yellow, red and silver shoes resonates on the tile floor, now glistening with salty accountant discharge, filling the remaining patrons with hope that there may be a fall coming… not bad enough that said patrons may have to actually help the stricken fellow who appears to work for SkyTV, but just enough so that there’s some major bruising to the ego of the whiffy real estate agent who apparently has recently returned from a trip to Kazhakstan.
This may all seem far-fetched, but it’s how myself and other Cyclists are perceived every day, from whichever side of the fence one may be positioned. No matter how good a Cyclist looks, or thinks they look, we still come off as tossers by the very nature of our sport’s equipment and apparel requirements. But try telling your 45 year old colleagues that it’s all for performance and you’ll be rightly met with a comment of the ilk of “what, are ya racing the farkin Tooer dee Fraaance or sumfin, are ya?” Once again, they may have a point.
Why can’t a serious cyclist wear less revealing and body-hugging attire, even if not racing? Why not a pair of shoes in which we can walk like a normal person, rather than a duck with a gammy leg, if we know we’ll be making a coffee stop before and probably after the ride? Do we really need to be pushing our spuds to the side of the plate and adjusting ourselves in full view of the Sunday brunch crowd who only want a sausage in their mixed grill, not in their faces? Why can’t we just be more normal?
Because it doesn’t make us feel Pro or remotely Fantastic, that’s why. It doesn’t make us feel like we are Cyclists. The same reasons weekend rugby players don’t wear their jeans and hoodies onto the pitch, even if that’s their uniform off it. But face the truth… we are average men, with average talents and average ambitions (if any), despite the possibility that your talents and ambitions are at a level above most of your other average cronies. We can, and should, do our best to look good when we ride our bicycles. But remember, no matter how good we think we look, we don’t. Especially in cafes and pubs.
Here’s my tips for a successful coffee/beer ride with minimum twat factor:
1. Go for a ride.
2. Don’t dismount anywhere, ever.
3. Go home.
4. Showered? Changed? Now you can go to the pub.
Spot on, fellah. Had me rolling in the aisles.
Brill. Lucky I wasn’t drinking my coffee.
I do have a route with a jolly decent coffee and cake stop run by some charming elderly ladies. Good coffee and fabulous cakes and very cyclist friendly. However, when you place your order at the counter they always seem to ask “Will you be sitting outside” in that way that is more of a statement than a question…..
@Teocalli Ah yes, when they put the stress on the first syllable of ‘outside’…
Loved it as much as I agree with it! Why wreck you cleats?
This is awesome! Exactly how I think we are perceived. Would never wear kit to a pub, but no option on a mid ride coffee stop on a leisurely ride. Am mindful of fellow patrons though, I often remove my clip cloppers and stroll around in socks to order, then sit outside.
Absolutely bang on as I laugh out loud. Around cyclists and cycling I’m at ease, comfortable and proud of how I’ve tried to turn myself and machine out (especially in what precious V kit I have).
In any other environment, except perhaps the rural cafe that is happy of the regular custom and know you are actually not a skinny alien, I’m like the proverbial fish and am positive that the rope like vein on the back of my right calf is drawing equal sniggers and revulsion as I clip clop about.
All planned cycle borne visits to shops is done in generally baggy but discrete and less obvious riding gear, no helmet and spd shoes. Never lycra in the pub. Here I’d be claimed within minutes.
Great treatise and sadly quite true in as far as the public’s perspective of us. The contrary argument though: what the fuck do they know?
I will happily comply with your requests when the general public is looking equally fantastic when out and about. Until then, the great unwashed masses will need an ongoing education in the ways of the V (at least those dedicated to our appearances) and since they typically know dick about cycling I propose a slightly different tact:
1. Prior to entering a cafe/pub/etc take the time to make yourself presentable. Laying down the V has a way of disrupting one’a appearance when stationery. Perhaps use the mirror of the goober who hitched onto the pace line without asking (use the opportunity to disable said mirror).
2. Remove your shoes or use cafe tabs (lest you damage your cleets).
3. Always be polite and refrain from speaking loudly, unless you are speaking Italian. If able to speak French, then subtle snobbery is acceptable.
4. If you use chamois cream, then place a magazine or something else on the chair. That stuff leaves a mark and will sully the next poor soul’s backside.
5. Tip well.
That last one solves many issues.
Brilliant piece by the Peloton but FFS @brett, what the hell is up with the road scene down your way if that’s what you’re witnessing on a regular basis?? I’m with @Ccos
I’ll make a couple of additional grand statements here:
We are cyclists. The rest of the world merely rides a bike.
@Ccos tip well and make an effort to not plop down next to other patrons. I live about 5 km from my favorite brewery in town and have regularly stopped off in full kit on the way in from a long ride. Luckily the bar staff all know me so they put up with me using only a tasteful minimum of fun making. Then I find a spot outside so no one has to smell me. Doesn’t eliminate hairy eyeballs from other folks but it does reduce them significantly.
But brunch? FFS I’m taking a shower first. Isn’t there some rule or another banning the consumption of mimosas in kit?
What if I’m a skinny old f*ck and my kit sags like en empty bean bag chair…and I am wearing Crocs? What then, a little less frappe in the chino? Hit the do-nut shop for a day old and a regular coffee.
Hilarious. I know this much is true.
@DeKerr
Yes, even back in the 80s actual road Cyclists were a common sight in Portland, and we thought nothing of clomping into a cafe in kit and cleats, and nobody paid any damned attention to us.
Of course, we were much younger and fitter and more attractive in the 80s.
So spot on. You should try riding in my little redneck town. People look at me like I am an alien everyday!
And our hair was fucking fantastic.
Just about wet myself with laughter, absolutely “Gold”
Love my cyclist customers, sure they arrive all at once, they make a ruckus, and Lycra is a hard sell on the hardest of bodies, but they buy coffee, usually two and some food, and here’s the best bit, then they leave, no 2 hour long blacks….
And @Ccos there are worse fashion crimes than full kit, ‘peopleofwallmart.com anyone?
You guys are just going to the wrong cafes.
This one, Treff, in Dubai brings you a cold face towel when you arrive and a complimentary shot of espresso-cream, and has a menu with lots of good recovery food, plus decent coffee.
And in London if we have a post-ride coffee after a Dulwich ride there is a bike-cum-coffee shop called Cadence Performance at Crystal palace where you can bring your bikes inside to park them, have yummy cakes and coffee and pick up anything else you need like gels, tubes etc.
@piwakawaka
Yes, we’ve enjoyed a coffee at your fine establishment… when there’s a copy of The Rules on the table and a Time bike on the wall, you know you’re in a welcoming place.
No idea who you’re referring to, but it certainly isn’t this guy!
photo credit: @Barracuda
There is an inverse relationship between the level of noise, poor taste in clothing, smell, and general crappiness between a bunch of bike riders and whether they are cyclists. Saldy, many sportives in the UK are populated by gangs of over-weight hairy men who ride stupidly expensive machines badly. On the bright side, one usually sees them on the side of the road 5km into the ride struggling with punctures or examining their broken carbon frame.
I don’t like mid-ride stops because it just kills my legs and the restart is a bastard. Oh, and I don’t drink. Coffee that is.
And yep, the voice level and ugliness of kit/bike seem highly correlated with lackluster riding abilities. If I do stop, I make it quick, I try to be as quiet as possible, and yes, I adjust and wipe my brow before entering the store. I have a GREAT beer store just around the corner from my house. That’s my typical post-ride stop. Bike goes in window, but left outside, I know where the beer I like lives, and I’m in and out quickly.
Oh, and no matter how good you think you look all dolled up, I find that the only dudes who truly look good are in fact, the PROs. Then again, that might be due to the effect of watching them race so much – anyone not proracer thin looks shite in full Lycra.
I’ve also been bike commuting to work for two weeks now. New job. LOVE riding in shorts, t-shirt and sneakers. Definitely fun to just jump on a bike in regular ol’ clothes.
@markb
My only fear about doing more road cyclist is turning into this.
@RobSandy
I of course meant ‘doing more road cycling’.
What I have actually typed sounds wrong, wrong wrong…
@Mikael Liddy
are you sure you dont live in the USA?
Ha ha! Great article. I try to only wear plain black lycra and black cycle tops at all times to a) generate a slimmer look cuz you know “black is slimming man”, and b) blend in with my black bike. Matched with a black helmet and black Buff makes for the cycling equivalent of a cycling Ninja!
Add reflectives and lights in winter and the effect of stealthly gliding around turns in to a “Look at me, a lit up twat!” effect. I’ve tried commuting in casual gear, and to be honest, I hate it. It’s uncomfortable, has more drag and leaves me sweating more. I wear the same full apparel on my commute as I would on my weekend rides.
Yes, I look a twat. But so does the the lads and lasses I see jogging in flouro yellow. So does the surfer walking up my street in his wetsuit from his morning surf.
We all couldn’t give a flying fuck because we’re doing what we love.
Sometimes when I do shorter rides, simply for the sake of riding.
I dismount the Garmin and ride in regular clothes, backpack and cleats
and a second pair of shoes in the backpack.
Ritte Cycles: Chance Encounter from Kyle Johnston on Vimeo.
made me think of this.
Nothing wrong with this picture then?
@sthilzy That reminds me of what Sundays were like at the bar I worked at in Sicily.
I resemble that remark! Great blog I cacked myself stupid….. but then, strewth, I’m only an OFIL mate.
@sthilzy Looks like the cafe just round the corner. I think I know the arse crack guy on the right.
Please tell me I wont turn into one of them!
@RobSandy
Too late – your ‘Freudian slip’ is forever etched into the annuls of the Velominati!
Of course, the mid-ride or aprés ride coffee or beer stop can be successfully accomplished. But you really have to pick your territory carefully… decks and outside seating always; quiet, unpatronised establishments; no Harleys parked out front.
The Welliminati has been known to sup a pre-ride caffeinated or post ride hopped beverage, and my tactic is simple: send @bianchi denti in to do the transacting. He has a) no shame, b) no gut and c) never forgets his credit card.
Being told by two 60 year old bikers in leather and ponytails that we looked a bit strange sitting on the pub deck had me biting my tongue quite hard though. Not easy to kick the shit out of someone while wearing Giro Empires.
@markb
Glad you didn’t do the same thing when typing ‘annuls’.
I can relate to this article so much. Unfortunately the cartoon especially.
Great piece and sadly, so much truth in there. My mid ride stops are always as gas stations. I try to look as fantastic as possible which means I’m usually the best dressed person in there and often, one of the better smelling.
Oh, and while I’m at it, we might collectively look daft, but compared to what? Some fat fuck and his tattooed manatee-wife sitting on their Harley with illegal pipes, wearing leather bandanas, wrap around shades and a fringed vest over a wife beater? Riding around with their radio turned up so high I can hear them a half mile away? Riding around with a look of smug superiority? Admittedly, some give me a wee wave as a fellow two-wheeled road user, but most ride around as if their shit doesn’t stink.
As I type this and live in SE WI (home of Harley) I’ll now enter a witness protection program.
Ah yes,
slipping around the tile floor of a country market, far from the cafe espressi of the hipper parts of the city. Standing in line with Dasani waters to refill the bidons, the lumberjack in front of you picking up his daily 18 pack of “Shit Ice Lite” and Marlboros, the 20 y/o’s behind you getting Rockstar energy drinks before go “wheeling” and “target shooting”. Not much else makes a 46 y/o in flashy spandex with girl smooth legs feel out of place.
What we see.
What they see.
Never heard anyone complaining when I walked in with my ‘revealing and body-hugging attire’, looking ‘smooth and hairless, tanned, toned and terrific’… (ehum)
Being a woman has it advantages… ;)
Frank et al, been trying to register (fellow Dutchman living abroad, but when growing up in Limburg managed to do the Keutenberg) but for whatever reason I do not receive a password. Can you webmaster maybe give me a hand here? Thanks!
@brett
Some years ago I was coming to the end of a ride with a mate and we had ridden down to Brighton (UK) to meet up with the VMWs. As we came into Brighton we noticed some signs “Bike Event ->” and when we pulled up at a set of lights were suddenly surrounded by a small fleet Harley’s. We looked at each other a bit worried and then this beard in leather looked us up and down and said “Nice bikes, come far?”. Turned out before the beard and leather he had been a bit of a cyclist and we had a bit of a banter with a few of them before the lights changed.
@scaler911
You’ve always done your part to bring a whiff of civilization to Vantucky. And you’re still doing it.
@Teocalli
Nice. Last summer during the descent of Mt. Rainier on Day 2 of the V-to-V Cogal, we shared the road with a small fleet of Harleys. (Personally, I love motorcycles in general but find the noise of Harleys to be thoroughly obnoxious.) I enjoyed taking the turns in their midst, and they rode intelligently, giving me an appropriate amount of room.
Had the hill been steeper at that point, they would not have been passing me at all…
Great read. I have been cycling since the mid 80’s in various redneck southern town, and the looking like an alien thing has never went away. The hillbilly redneck diesel trucks get their kicks blowing smoke when they pass.
@Teocalli
I had a nearly similar experience here in New England: during a brief end of ride stop, two monstrously huge, tatted-up biker types checked out our machines parked outside then made a beline straight towards me and my equaly lithe riding buddies. Our thoughts of “we’re fucked” morphed into a ten minute completely earnest conversation about our bikes and how far we’d ridden.
Granted, monstrously huge, tatted-up biker type describes most males here.
@scaler911
This. And all of this is awesome. I try to look fantastic, but saw a picture of myself recently in kit and I cringed. This made me embarrassed because it was after a good ride. I vowed from that point to improve my look, but it’s not exactly a quick process. No matter what we do the others will look askance at us. @velojello has it right. We do what we love, other’s opinion doesn’t really factor.
When my then maybe 9 year old daughter was visiting in Abu Dhabi and saw various bib-shorts and jerseys hung up to dry, she asked were they mine, and of course I said Yes… why?
I will never quite erase from my mind the look and tone mainly of incredulity but possible a little horror as she said “But they’re so small”.
It was in my mind even before this article actually, having been issued with my very first team TT skinsuit this week. I thought I knew a racing cut before but…
Will post photos after the race tomorrow if they are decent. Unfortunately we have a guy in our team who is skinny to the pro level. He just came 7th in the UK National Hill Climb. So it doesn’t matter how lean I am I will appear obese next to him.