Velominati’s Sock Height Calculator: Refining the Goldilocks Principle

Start Measuring

Firstly, all you kids, kindly get off my lawn. Especially you kids who wear too tall black socks with white cycling shoes. Get off my lawn and stop racing in my favorite bike races. There’s no call for that. Why should my Milan-Sanremo enjoyment be ruined by this? It’s a sunny day, no snow, no rain, white socks not good enough, eh? Riding along the Ligurian coast from Milan to Sanremo without two seconds consideration about sock selection, eh? Just thinking about Sock Height not good enough, EH?

Winnipegcyclechick’s stellar treatise on sock height should be required reading for everyone, even non-cyclists. People should have this knowledge. Mongols on the Steppes; Тийм ээ, тийм, би энэ оймс өндөр мэднэ.*

While we have lost the battle on sock color the final battles on height continues. We can use the VSP generator between VSP runs to work on other important 1st world problems. To this end, straight outta the Velominati bunker we have this: the sock height calculator.

S = A/π – √B ± (B/A) / (1/CS¹)

Where:

A= Lower leg length measured from inner ankle protuberance to top of the inner tibia in cm.
B= Distance between inner ankle protuberance to bottom of calf in cm.
S= Sock height measured above inner ankle protuberance in cm.
CS¹= Calf Shame factor on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 equals no shame (some pride) and 10 equals great shame (seppuku or calf implants are fantasized about equally).

The term CS¹ has become most controversial in peer review but most agree a correction factor should be available for individual taste.

*In English: Yes, Yes, I know of this sock height.

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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View Comments

minion says:

Mar 27 2016 at 9:12 pm

@Oli

You know what they say; short socks, tiny penis…

Although I never ride in them, I have knee high compression socks.

https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/6037467/il_fullxfull.305017154.jpg
PT says:

Mar 28 2016 at 2:35 am

There are many cycling-related things Heinrich Haussler is good at and choosing socks is one.
Oli says:

Mar 28 2016 at 2:53 am

@minion

Now we're talking.
KogaLover says:

Mar 28 2016 at 4:08 am

@Owen

If I’m reading this correctly, having great shame actually leads to *higher* sock heights. Surely that can’t be right.

you are wrong
Buck Rogers says:

Mar 28 2016 at 4:53 am

@justDave

Black shoes, white socks, black shorts…

This is it for me. Purely Classic and pure class. Some things never go out of style.

I am going to find some good, all white, 2-5 cm above the ankle De Feet socks and buy about 10 pair.
ErikdR says:

Mar 28 2016 at 5:49 am

@Buck Rogers

@Oli

It’s a little known fact that for men sock height is directly related to penis length. Do with that as you will.

Inversely proportionally, to a pont, and then it becomes proportion, right???

A tad complicated? Much easier, perhaps, to look at the wheels on motor vehicles of aspiring males: It would seem that in many cases, penis length is more or less identical to the amount of sidewall left visible around the alloy wheel rim.
ChrisO says:

Mar 28 2016 at 6:49 am

A simple way to be sure... if the socks reach the tattoo, they're too long.

And if the kirin has bristles it's time to shave.
Owen says:

Mar 28 2016 at 7:11 am

@KogaLover

@Owen

If I’m reading this correctly, having great shame actually leads to *higher* sock heights. Surely that can’t be right.

you are wrong

Good thing a math whiz swooped in to profoundly assert this.
Ccos says:

Mar 28 2016 at 10:11 am

Unfortunely looking like a twat doesn't keep you from riding fast. The dude that sprinted for second well ahead of me this past Saturday had high socks pulled over his leg warmers and no arm warmers.

But I held the high ground.
wiscot says:

Mar 28 2016 at 11:33 am

@Ccos

Unfortunely looking like a twat doesn’t keep you from riding fast. The dude that sprinted for second well ahead of me this past Saturday had high socks pulled over his leg warmers and no arm warmers.

But I held the high ground.

It's the moral victories that count!

BTW, next time I write a historical article, I'm going to leave out all that shite about palmares and personality etc and just concentrate on two things: how his handlebars were wrapped and how long his socks were.

To all those who are making some kind of relationship between penis length and sock length, I give you two names: Anquetil and Cippolini. Short sock wearers both.