I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.
– Bill Hicks
That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Timeâ„¢ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I’ve been trying harder to be more accepting of those who seem sent to test me, to try my patience, to see how far I need to be pushed before reaching breaking point and just coming out with an expletive-laden rant (or more likely just two words that have the same impact with much less output). But you know what? Fuck that.
When it comes to the riding group, the same principles apply: it doesn’t matter if our abilities are the same, because if I have to sit next to you and make mind-numbing, inane small talk for more than five minutes… well, this ain’t gonna work. Now, our tight-knit bunch has been refined over the nearly eight years I’ve been living in my adopted home city. There are some who drift in and out, but they are still a part of the group. Even if we don’t see them for months or years, they will easily slip back into the fold like a well-lubed sex doll (and if they find that kind of talk offensive, they’re slipping right out again). Sometimes, new recruits are either invited along or somehow just appear unannounced, possibly thinking that this is some kind of weird love-in where all are welcomed with an awkward hug and a patronising smile. We’re not the fucking church, ok?
So, what to do if this guy turns up? He’s been invited, so that’s ok, not his fault. You give him the once over, and alarm bells begin to ring: tri bike replete with aero bars, no socks, jogging shoes (combined with clipless pedals), a peaked helmet and board shorts over hairy legs. Well, you give him the benefit of the doubt, and introduce yourself. You afford him a chance, even as the sirens and flashing lights in your head are rapidly materialising into an angry migraine. Maybe he’ll break the ice with a fart joke or possess a stroke of such magnificent souplesse that he drops your ass on the first hill and you quickly disregard the myriad Rule violations. Who’s not to say that this day he just forgot all his riding gear, his real bike is in the shop getting a new Gruppo fitted, and he’s been on a week-long binge of hookers and blow and hasn’t had the time, inclination or requisite brain function to shave the ol’ guns. Reasonable excuses, one would think.
If it turns out that yeah, he can hang, but no, he doesn’t possess any bunch etiquette, but yes, he’s a decent chap, although no, he may not own an appropriate bike or cleated shoes and he’s not likely to shave/lose the visor/boardies of his own accord, yet hints at a similarly warped sense of humour and at least a couple of vices. A perplexing dilemma that gnaws away at you for the next week, until ride time rolls around again. What do I do? What do we do?
What would you do? Tolerate, integrate or expatriate?
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You can have all the gear and follow the rules and still be a Fred.
That's me. I'm fat, so I'm slow on climbs but I bomb descents. I just choose to ride mostly by myself and have shunned clubs and groups because I don't want to sucks wheels, don't want to impose and also don't want to be judged by the myriad of doctors and dentists on their $15k bikes.
Look at it another way: picture a fella that turned up with shaved guns, fully rule-compliant kit and bike, was charming and good looking, displayed impeccable manners and etiquette, was un-droppable without being showy about it, and ended up just grinding you off his wheel towards the end of the ride. You probably wouldn't like him either, it just wouldn't be so easy to say why.
People have to display exactly the right amount of non-compliance, that leaves you with work to do, the ability to take the piss, and the satisfaction of providing guidance and improving the product. If they either have no hope, or are already there, then both are frustrating, just for different reasons.
There are different acts of Fred and I think they have to be treated accordingly.
Unsafe Fredness - overlapping, bad lines, not making or passing calls etc - should be corrected by the group, and if the Fred persists then drop him or tell him he's not welcome.
Annoying Fredness - surging, half-wheeling, leaving gaps - should be led by example, or a quiet word once you've got to know them but otherwise tolerated with a sigh.
Embarrassing Fredness - hairy legs, baggy shorts or the other extreme of top-to-toe pro kit on a week-old Dogma as your first bike - are just not worth worrying about.
I tend to think people find groups that suit them so they'll either stay and fit in, in which case you see past the exterior, or they go elsewhere with other Team Sky wannabes.
The other dimension is the actual ride. I do a group ride most Saturdays which is run by the shop that sponsors our team. It's an open ride and I offer helpful advice if warranted or asked, ride at the group pace and put any disdain on hold. They've got as much right to be there as I have.
On the other hand if I go for a ride with a more select group expecting to do a certain type of ride and someone turns up who doesn't fit in a way which disrupts us, I would have no qualms about dropping them and making it clear they probably should have found something else to do.
If its an open ride then you certainly need to expect some level of Fredness, comes with the territory.. invite only ride are another matter....
*you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"
Rule #2. Rule #3. Close the thread.
I generally find that things sort themselves out. When someone joins in and tries to change the group to suit them, granted it is annoying, but I love how the group silently gives the message that we won't be changing. You are welcome to join but this is how we roll, like it or leave it.
@RM2Ride
Beware the old git on the steel bike, you may not know what else he rides! This was from the weekend Tour en France where I took The Butler rather than Num1 Pina. It was amusing as I rolled past a few club groups "en train" an listened to the comments and one in particular where I was followed by one voice "Shit, did you seen that!" followed by another "F&*ing awesome mate". (Clearly stating here I am not in the league of @ChrisO et al
)
@Teocalli
Sheer class. Chapeau sir, chapeu.
@Teocalli Nicely executed!
A few years ago I built up my old steel steed with old Super Record using the classic Mavic/Simplex DT shifters. Recall a comment from a carbon rider as we're working turns, "Down tube shifters! My grandfather has those!". Might just put it back together again. (TT needs replacing)
@ChrisO
This is pretty much along the lines of my thinking.
The way I see it, Rule #2, and Rule #3 are always being worked out in some fashion. How they are being applied to the different Fred's of the world, are based more so on the Fred, than what the Fred is wearing and riding.