I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.
– Bill Hicks
That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Timeâ„¢ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I’ve been trying harder to be more accepting of those who seem sent to test me, to try my patience, to see how far I need to be pushed before reaching breaking point and just coming out with an expletive-laden rant (or more likely just two words that have the same impact with much less output). But you know what? Fuck that.
When it comes to the riding group, the same principles apply: it doesn’t matter if our abilities are the same, because if I have to sit next to you and make mind-numbing, inane small talk for more than five minutes… well, this ain’t gonna work. Now, our tight-knit bunch has been refined over the nearly eight years I’ve been living in my adopted home city. There are some who drift in and out, but they are still a part of the group. Even if we don’t see them for months or years, they will easily slip back into the fold like a well-lubed sex doll (and if they find that kind of talk offensive, they’re slipping right out again). Sometimes, new recruits are either invited along or somehow just appear unannounced, possibly thinking that this is some kind of weird love-in where all are welcomed with an awkward hug and a patronising smile. We’re not the fucking church, ok?
So, what to do if this guy turns up? He’s been invited, so that’s ok, not his fault. You give him the once over, and alarm bells begin to ring: tri bike replete with aero bars, no socks, jogging shoes (combined with clipless pedals), a peaked helmet and board shorts over hairy legs. Well, you give him the benefit of the doubt, and introduce yourself. You afford him a chance, even as the sirens and flashing lights in your head are rapidly materialising into an angry migraine. Maybe he’ll break the ice with a fart joke or possess a stroke of such magnificent souplesse that he drops your ass on the first hill and you quickly disregard the myriad Rule violations. Who’s not to say that this day he just forgot all his riding gear, his real bike is in the shop getting a new Gruppo fitted, and he’s been on a week-long binge of hookers and blow and hasn’t had the time, inclination or requisite brain function to shave the ol’ guns. Reasonable excuses, one would think.
If it turns out that yeah, he can hang, but no, he doesn’t possess any bunch etiquette, but yes, he’s a decent chap, although no, he may not own an appropriate bike or cleated shoes and he’s not likely to shave/lose the visor/boardies of his own accord, yet hints at a similarly warped sense of humour and at least a couple of vices. A perplexing dilemma that gnaws away at you for the next week, until ride time rolls around again. What do I do? What do we do?
What would you do? Tolerate, integrate or expatriate?
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View Comments
@brett
I think it's interesting that the thread rapidly reached the same recommendations as the Rules, without needing to reference them. It's like they are divinely ordained, or part of human nature (or everyone is smoking the same thing). Something, anyway.
@wiscot
Did he? I got the impression @Brett enjoyed, on the whole, talking to Fred as he's a decent chap hinting at a similar warped sense of humour (which means the Fred, should he stumble, or be pushed towards, across this site, would be a perfect addition!).
Rule 2 & 3 cover it, basically.
David
@davidlhill
Mind you the build of the guy reminds me of the schoolboy joke:
Q: What do you call a 9 foot Gorilla with a machine gun?
A: Anything he darned well wants!
@davidlhill
@Teocalli
The guy in the article is not the guy in the lead photo. That's Gunderson.
@antihero
Exactly.
@therealpeel
Stop yapping and go ride your bikes.
True but mostly I'm supposed to be at work and this is less obvious than riding the bike round the office.
@Teocalli
Damn, beat me to it. I'd like nothing better than to go and ride my bike right now, but my boss might have an issue with me doing so . . .
About 2 years ago we had a chap turn up for a club ride on a hybrid bike and wanted to go out with the so called fast group. We secretly sniggered and averaged the 65km route at 35kph, did we drop him, did we hell! A few weeks later he turned up on a Caad 8 and destroyed us - he became a regular and is a top chap, he's confident in his ability and in his words 'don't fall for the marketing bull, it's 95% about the engine' and I've seen enough to believe him. It's the old don't judge a book by its' cover I suppose...
By a remarkable coincidence today we had a guy turn up for the Sunday ride also on a CAAD8. Never seen him before, loosely fitting helmet, short sleeved top, long leggings. But, you know, give the guy a chance. Told him we would be doing 85-90 miles and was he sure he was OK with that? If we dropped him, we wouldn't be waiting, etc etc. He said he was OK with it. So we got to about 40 miles and he was obviously hanging on by his fingertips (seeing his head hanging over at 45 degrees is always a clue) and not that experienced at group riding as he wasn't making the most of sitting in. At this point a car did a stupid manouevre in front of us and because he was exhausted, his concentration and coordination had pretty much gone. He grabbed hold of a massive handful of front brake and went over the handlebars and hurt some fingers and an elbow (and got a good shot of adrenaline and shock). Fortunately, everyone else was unscathed. So whilst we felt sorry for him, a bit, the point is that if you don't know these 'randomers' they are potentially hazards as well as future heroes. He got to the next town and took the train home. I don't expect we'll be seeing him again.
It's unlikely 'that' guy would be turning up to a bunch ride anyway, so does that make this whole discussion a moot point? However, if he did turn up, I would be expecting him to do a shit load of work on the front (given there's no drafting at triathlon), not complain, and have a pretty good knowledge of the rules. No one turns up to a bunch ride in TT gear, and triathletes generally train alone unless they are on junk mile rides