Vetting The Fred
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.
– Bill Hicks
That famous quote from the Greatest Comedian Of All Timeâ„¢ has resonated with me for many years. It became my silent mantra, as I don’t suffer fools gladly and sometimes don’t make much effort to conceal the fact. Lately, I’ve been trying harder to be more accepting of those who seem sent to test me, to try my patience, to see how far I need to be pushed before reaching breaking point and just coming out with an expletive-laden rant (or more likely just two words that have the same impact with much less output). But you know what? Fuck that.
When it comes to the riding group, the same principles apply: it doesn’t matter if our abilities are the same, because if I have to sit next to you and make mind-numbing, inane small talk for more than five minutes… well, this ain’t gonna work. Now, our tight-knit bunch has been refined over the nearly eight years I’ve been living in my adopted home city. There are some who drift in and out, but they are still a part of the group. Even if we don’t see them for months or years, they will easily slip back into the fold like a well-lubed sex doll (and if they find that kind of talk offensive, they’re slipping right out again). Sometimes, new recruits are either invited along or somehow just appear unannounced, possibly thinking that this is some kind of weird love-in where all are welcomed with an awkward hug and a patronising smile. We’re not the fucking church, ok?
So, what to do if this guy turns up? He’s been invited, so that’s ok, not his fault. You give him the once over, and alarm bells begin to ring: tri bike replete with aero bars, no socks, jogging shoes (combined with clipless pedals), a peaked helmet and board shorts over hairy legs. Well, you give him the benefit of the doubt, and introduce yourself. You afford him a chance, even as the sirens and flashing lights in your head are rapidly materialising into an angry migraine. Maybe he’ll break the ice with a fart joke or possess a stroke of such magnificent souplesse that he drops your ass on the first hill and you quickly disregard the myriad Rule violations. Who’s not to say that this day he just forgot all his riding gear, his real bike is in the shop getting a new Gruppo fitted, and he’s been on a week-long binge of hookers and blow and hasn’t had the time, inclination or requisite brain function to shave the ol’ guns. Reasonable excuses, one would think.
If it turns out that yeah, he can hang, but no, he doesn’t possess any bunch etiquette, but yes, he’s a decent chap, although no, he may not own an appropriate bike or cleated shoes and he’s not likely to shave/lose the visor/boardies of his own accord, yet hints at a similarly warped sense of humour and at least a couple of vices. A perplexing dilemma that gnaws away at you for the next week, until ride time rolls around again. What do I do? What do we do?
What would you do? Tolerate, integrate or expatriate?
Maybe you could leave a copy of “The Rules” in his Bento Box…that might be subtle? Does he wear the dunce cap for the post ride beer – I may draw a hard line there.
Turn the aero bars around backwards when he isn’t looking. If he comes back he is probably ready for instruction; then apply Rule #3.
It all comes down to the vices…
there’s a chap comes on club rides. Wears a baggy sleeveless top under his bibshorts, and nothing else.
Keeps his bananas etc somewhere truly wrong.
But I’ve not been a club rider long enough to have the confidence to “have a word”. It would certainly be justified, he’s slow…
On his first appearance, if he offers to buy the first round of malted recovery bverages, then tolerate him. With each successive participation, discuss among the crew one of the Rules, starting with #43. Then simply apply #3 as @Nate suggests.
Great question, and it really depends upon the Fred. If he’s a douche bag or unsafe, then unchanged behavior is met with stinging comments and not so subtle attempts to ride him off the back (I’ve done this several times in my life). However, if he/she is truly uninitiated then one must honor Rule #3.
Last year one such dude showed up regularly at our shop ride and was quickly named “Backpack Bob.” He wore street clothes, running shoes, a backpack, mountain bike helmet and rode an ancient steel frame with toe clips. NO ONE ever talked to the guy, but he would rip everyone’s legs off each week at the end of the ride. One week an ex-racer showed up, unlike everyone else, talked “Backpack Bob” up straight away and found out his name (Brad), that he was poor (he was living in a nearby campground for the summer and the backpack contained all of his current possessions) and that he desperately wanted instructions on riding (which sadly, no one had given him). The following week the ex racer showed up with a set of old shoes, clipless pedals and an unused kit for the guy. For the remainder of the summer, Brad tore people’s legs off in style. Rule #3 in action.
Move the route and start time.
@Al__S
I did see a guy the other day going in the other direction with a YJA but bib shorts over the top. It did make me wonder just why?
As I don’t know anyone who has come into cycling without at least some kind of misinformed presentation of self/bike, whether that be hairy guns, tri-bars, ill fitting kit, etc., I think its a must that we tolerate at first with an aim to educate as time goes on. If said fred doesn’t take to that education, then by that point you perhaps have developed a good enough rapport with him/her to blatantly shame them into shaping up.
@Ccos Brad sounds like he needed merit, rode for it, and was patient enough to get some.
@Ccos this is a heartwarming story. Kudos
I suppose one way of looking at it is that they’ve shown up and expressed an interest in joining/riding. To me this opens the door to gentle advice giving. If their riding is dangerous to the group, it needs to be less gentle. For most of us on here I like to think we’re well along the learning curve. You can learn a lot by just looking, but learn a lot more by listening. If they don’t care to listen and carry on blissfully ignorant, cut them loose.
There’s a guy in his 50’s or so who shows up to our twice per week evening club rides on an 90’s vintage mountain bike and is always clad in 90’s neon splendor. He can mostly hang on climbs. In the flats, if the pace ramps up he barely hangs on – surging, veering, and letting gaps open. He is downright terrifyingly unpredictable when descending.
There are usually 10 or 12 of us on a ride. I always thought, “Who am I to comment on his style?” I am, however, not the only one who will do whatever is necessary not to be behind him or anywhere near him whilst descending, so he does spend a lot of time toward the back.
Dude doesn’t even tell fart jokes. In fact, I’m not sure he ever speaks at all unless someone addresses him first.
So there you go Brett. I guess I’m looking for answers as well.
@VeloVita
Seriously. I can’t be the only one who showed up for my first group ride on a $500 aluminum bike with mountain shoes and pedals, with an EPMS and an old mountain helmet. Guns unshorn, low socks, clearance PI shorts (not bibs), etc. Someone(s) took the time to initiate me and guide me onto the path of righteousness. I probably ought to afford newly minted freds the chance to become a pedalwan as well.
This fucking dude isn’t allowed anywhere near me. On or off the bike.
That’s it.
In my experience, you can follow all the rules, and still be an insufferable pedant. Stop worrying about the other guy and ride your own ride.
I remember my first ride with the Cyclists Touring Club in the late 70s/early 80s. Pishing rainy day. No one talked to me. I had a puncture. They all fucked off leaving me be. Never rode with them again. Joined the Johnstone Wheelers CC. Did a 100 mile reliability ride on a hot(by Scottish standards, probably the high 70s) We rode shirtless because we didn’t know any better. I got a mild case of heatstroke with sunburn and dehydration. Two older club members waited for me to finish and get me a ride close to home. I’ll always remember that.
A true Pedalwan will ask. Some, however, are shy and need to be gently instructed. If they’re smart, they listen. Remember, if you’re just starting out on the bike, seeing a bunch of fit guys with shaved legs on expensive bikes can be mighty intimidating. Some riders also have a serious dose of arrogance. If they’re arrogant tossers go elsewhere – why would you put up with them in the cycling world? You wouldn’t in other areas of your life so why in cycling? One of the great things about the bike is that you can do it solo.
I think the bottom line is: do you like him? I mean, on an emotional level, is there some sort of connection that gives you confidence that you could be friends? This is more important than the prima facie judgement based on compliance with the rules. If you basically like the bloke, then he might be worth some investment and guidance. He might learn, and he might annoy you less. If you don’t really like him, then you probably won’t like him any better just because he looks and behaves better on the bike, so it’s not going to be worth it.
You could post this to his website, hold on its not about me is it. Nahh I dont think so but I do understand your dilema.
@Owen
Right enough. This fred will learn as most of us do: through unbridled teasing and becoming the subject of all jokes. Until he reforms and a new fred comes along. (For the record I never conformed, I just did it because I was born to.)
The trick is to know which ones to stick with, and conversation piece is key (but goddamn him if he makes me talk going up a punishing climb). This fred sounds like he’s just weird enough to be a cyclist. I’d let him hang around.
@titirangisi Yes, there was much teasing and joking at my expense until I figured it out. Of course, this was in Phoenix so the YJA brigade showed up anytime it dipped below about 60. I didn’t pick up that habit, thank Merckx.
@Ccos
Freakin’ awesome. Thanks for sharing, Ccos.
Guy like that shows up on a group ride I’m involved in, I’d be all “you’re on a bike, I’m on a bike, awesome we’re now best friends” and not be a pretentious dink about it. Unlike the tone of this article.
So is the YJA any yellow jacket and bad? I just got one because it’s dropping in the 40s and I thought it better than my army work out jacket. Many of us newbies don’t know any better.
@Scott
I think the tone of the article depends upon the attitude of the newbie. If you show up and are polite and show respect, you’ll be fine. If you are a dick and endanger others, you’re not fine. Pretty much the same scenario as in other aspects of life.
@wiscot
Truth. I’ll go on a group ride and see freds who are legitimately nice guys and who try to learn and be safe. Those are fine. But I’ll also see people on bikes that they don’t know how to handle, who mouth off when experienced riders try to tell them something, etc. Those are the ones that get crapped out the back of a group that doesn’t want to deal with them.
@Scott
Oh, and another thing. I had a long learning curve and even after almost 30 years of being on and around bikes and bike shops, I’m still willing to admit I have lots to learn. I did a lot of learning by myself and nothing is sweeter than having someone try and take the piss out of you for something, then asking them what their time in the TT was – and you’ve crushed them. Sure puts their gas at a peep. Getting “into” cycling is like joining any other group or activity in life. If you have the right attitude you’ll be fine. If not, then not fine.
@Owen so is the YJA any yellow riding jacket? I’m new to the sport and picked one up because the mornings are dark and dropping to the low 40s. Us newbies don’t know any better. Thanks
If the guy is tolerable and he’s tolerated and he’s of at least average intelligence and he chooses to keep riding with the group, odds are that matters of etiquette and elements of style will simply rub off on him as he observes those around (and in front of) him.
And as he becomes more affiliated with the group, people will give him shit about stuff. It will just happen.
@Ccos
That is a “life lesson” story.
@wiscot
Exactly. And it echoes this…
@Ccos
So for @Al__S and @Jamie and anyone else out there worrying about offending someone else, meditate on the V, get over your ego (that part of you that doesn’t want to be embarrassed), Rule #19, and start spreading the gospel of Merckx, De Vlaeminck, et al.
@Scott or the tone of your post.
On Maui there are always island visitors who show up for the Sunday ride. If they are ready to roll at 6am they are in. Our group ride is not a high performance thing and everyone gets sorted on the 5 km hill. As long as they are decent bike handlers I really don’t care how badly they are conforming to the Rules. I’ve met some very interesting people who have bothered to find out our 6am start location.
Some of the regulars couldn’t give a fuck about the Rules or Velominati or Cancellara but they need to ride and catch up with their friends. I’m thrilled with that too, they must think who is this poser we just dropped like a bag of nails on that f’ing long climb? It’s Gianni!
Well,
As a fairly recent inductee to the sport I have some sympathy for the Fred. Not only did I have an EPMS dangling off the back of my saddle, but I bought another one to sit above the top tube and behind the headset for food and money and the like – doh! What a Fred.
I rode with some Class A hard men on some of those early club rides and none of them made me feel unwelcome or out of place. It was with their example and a genuine desire on my part to honour the traditions of cycling that quickly had me shelling out for proper kit, filling my back pockets with my gear and shaving my guns.
With these skeletons so freshly packed away in the old closet, I am happy to give anyone a fair chance to earn their place based on the merits of character and ability.
There is one fella that has fallen out of favour with one of the clubs that I ride with and it’s certainly not for lack of style. The fella is young and handsome and always garbed in Rapha from head to toe. His bike is impeccable. But, the fucker has no fitness – the tempo gets high and out the back he goes. It’s a no drop ride but he doesn’t have the consideration to volunteer to take the short way home. Although at 15 years my junior he does make me feel a little bit good about myself.
We have to give these idiot at least the chance to see the light. Most have no idea how to act, kit up, or ride in a group. I was fortunate enough to have a true hardman take me under his wing when I was 16 and show me the way. In 1984, grape nut eating hippies on touring bikes were our nemesis, and he taught me to be a proper road racer. With the YGA and all the nonsense they can find on the internet, we have to give some of these Freds the benefit of the doubt, and try and show them the way.
Wow, are you reading my thoughts?
I went on my very first club ride today after buying a road bike about a year ago and owning a fixed gear for a year before that. Over that time i have gotten more serious about proper cycling and lost about 40 lbs.
So here i am in my shitty PearIIzumi closeout jersey, my cheap Performance shorts not bibs, wrong length socks and beat to shit mountain shoes and pedals because that’s all i own. And a Catlike helmet because why the fuck not, i spent too much on that :). I have not shaved my legs yet — I’m saving that, and some Bonts and 105 pedals as my reward for getting under 230 lbs if you can believe that. I at least (thanks to this site) keep all my crap in a jersey pocket. Riding a $1200 aluminum Felt because it’s what i could afford.
I think some of you would have immediately rejected me out of hand for looking like a cheap rookie, which makes me sad. The guys on this ride took me aside after i kept going too hard off the front when it was my turn to pull (no computer and nervous about not slowing down the group) and gave me feedback on my pulls and etiquette. I stayed with the fast group the whole ride, which i was not thinking i’d be able to do, and felt enormously stoked. Like, over the moon happy all day.
I’m glad they took the time and were nice about it and I *will* get proper bibs and so forth when i can afford it and as time allows. It makes me want to go back on their weekend rides, which i had been avoiding because i was intimidated, and take more Wednesdays off.
Would it have been better if I showed up in full Castelli and a Dogma and got fired out the back in 5 minutes? I have been avoiding pissing wheelbarrows full of money up the wall until i know i’m serious and i can prove i can hang, rather than (in my mind) posing hard and being slow. I’d rather wear my relative newbiness on my sleeve until then. Maybe fix the sock length thing tho, that’s pretty cheap and easy to do :).
@Scott
Well there you go!
@sinikl
Cycling is an odd sport where it’s best not to have the absolute best equipment unless you can crush everyone with your awesomeness. Far better to have a better engine than equipment. Merckx knows we have all started out somewhere and outside of a trust fund, have started just as you. Bike Nasbar close-out items kept me clothed through my college years.
@sinikl welcome to the path. Good on the more experienced riders for showing you the way, and good on you for absorbing their knowledge. You should ride with them more: its not always easy to find experienced riders who are good at teaching those newer to the sport.
@sinikl
Yeah, dude, take a breath. It sounds to me like you’re exactly the sort of new rider that experienced riders I’d respect would welcome and assist. A lot of people take the piss-taking and shit-talking around here too seriously. It’s all in fun.
Congrats on the fitness gains, amigo! Fucking awesome.
This conversation is embarrassing. Seriously.
Stop yapping and go ride your bikes. If someone’s not following the rules, then you sure as hell had better ride them right the fuck off of your wheel before you cast the slightest bit of judgement. And even then, you’re probably wrong.
I follow to rules, because I have seen and love the path. I could give a fuck what anyone else does as long as they obey Rule V.
@PeakInTwoYears Dude you know how the internet is, all “feelings explode into a vaccum”. Was not trying to get too emo on it, but i do have shitty gear.
Mainly i’m just stoked about today but I felt the need to comment because i’m basically sort of That Guy except it went really great for me, and i’m happy about that. I got Rule #3’d today and loved it.
This is kinda the part where I suck. Which is kinda shitty because it was not so long ago (two years) where I was showing up on a mountain bike, gym shorts and tennis shoes for the LBS weekly road ride. I was riden into the ground, even after getting my hands on a real rode bike, I was still punished by the group’s pace. EPMS, hairy legs, stack of spacers under my stem, visor, so on and so forth. But, I changed. I got stronger, faster, lighter. Shaved the guns, slammed the stem…. Pinned on some numbers a year ago, and here we are. Giving dudes the once over, thumbs up or down, and judging accordingly. But I do this in life too.
Basically it is like this. If someone turns up an ass, I am an even bigger ass. I don’t like it, but its who I am and I’ve come to accept it. You can ride me off your wheel, or weeble wobble your bike and consume all the road space on your way to being spit out the back. If you’re funny, down to earth, we can deal and have fun. But if you’re a self absorbed ass hat, I don’t give a fuck if you’re the local racing god or week night shop ride beginner, I will not acknowledge your existence on this rock we’re spinning around on.
So I guess for Fred, unless its a World’s night and we’re trying to drop their ass, I don’t deal. I ignore.
Fred
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rxEQ8uz7D_oo
@Ccos
This. Sums up nicely.
Its that Fat Bike boys you gotta watch out for ! Couple of my acquaintances have been know to rock up to a group ride with baggies on and smash the daylights out of us roadies. One memorable trip up Willunga Hill and across the range last Summer whereby the bunch in front of us did a double take as we approached at 40km/h. They must have thought it was a big SUV behind them. Two Fat bikes and 6 Roadies coming up behind them.
@sinikl
I have been on rides with a guy who is 200+ lbs, and is usually the first guy off the back and riding a steller high end bike. He has perspective and a sense of humor. I like this guy, and have hung with him for recovery brews. I also ride with another 200+ lbs guy who for the life of me I cannot figure out why he keeps coming around. He is virtually hated by all. When a hill is coming, he goes up to or as near the front as he can get and opens huge gaps, sits in all day and rolls up to contest the sprints, and otherwise just rides like a complete douche. But he happens to be freight train strong, and hard as hell to shake unless the ground gets good and steep.
This is one areaarea where its not about the bike, its about the chap on top of it. Or even the dome atop the chap. Just have a good head about yourself, and all will be well in all things V.
I can’t address all of the comments individually, but some get it completely, others partially, some not at all.
See where I say the guy could hang? That he was a nice chap? That he wasn’t rejected before a pedal was turned because of his gear? Or did you miss that part?
No-one tried to drop him to prove a point. He was welcomed by everyone, then when he was leaving gaps, looking around and wobbling about, we offered advice, politely, and he was willing to take it and ask questions. The point some of you are missing is that having the willingness to learn, listen, and not be a dick is better than being a Team Sky-replica/wannabe and not being able to ride at all and then being a dick when given some friendly hints.
@sinikl
Right on. A good day, then.
We’re all (finally, more or less) in the same boat re: gear and social status and all that extrinsic stuff–even the folks who are lucky enough to be able to spend a lot more agonize about it all. Spend enough time in the boat, and you ought to realize that and welcome people aboard with a sense of humor.
Hang around.
@sinikl I think the point is, if you show up and look like a rookie, be cool. We’ve all every one of us been there. If you show up and look completely pro, be cool. Most of us haven’t been there. If a person is cool, it doesn’t much matter what he or she rides.
Around here there’s a guy who comes on the Saturday rides on an old steel frame, chapeau, and toe clips. God help me if he doesn’t rip legs off every week. There are also some rock crushers I’ve ridden with, and damn if those guys aren’t stronger than crap. The point is be cool, take advice when constructively given, and get better over time.
@Ccos We had a guy like this show up on the Tuesday/Thursday evening rides and big ol’ steel frame and all he could put the hammer down, and hang with the bunch. (Could be the same guy – the club listserve found him shoes pedals and cleated shoes, if I recall.) There’s a world of difference between embarrassing yourself because of what you look like and embarrassing yourself because of how you ride. I think if you can ride, you can look like a fool – all the better that you’re open to refinement.