Cyclists can (and usually do) go on for hours as to why they ride their bikes, and most of their reasons can sound, well, a bit flakey to anyone not enamored with shaved legs and being done up in lycra. “I do it to keep fit”, “It keeps me slim”, “I’m a competitor, I love to race”, “It’s the freedom it gives me, an escape from the day to day”. Ok, maybe a few of those are somewhat justifible, but we all know why we really ride; so we can drink beer. And if you are tutting and pffting at that statement, then you probably don’t belong here. Cycling and beer are kindred spirits, inseperable, like Moore and Cook, Hall and Oates, Fränk and Andy, Gunderson and lying.
You need look no further for proof than Belgium. It’s where both beer and cycling were invented (I don’t know if that’s actually true, but the Belgians do both better than most so I’m running with it). Any Cyclist or beer drinker worth their malt will always look to Belgium for the very best of their craft. We’re talking Merckx, Duvel, Van Looy, Leffe, Boonen, Chimay, Museeuw and Malteni. Try and tell me any of those names don’t conjur up greatness.
Malteni, you ask? Why yes… this has to be one of my favourite Belgian beers, and not only because there is an almost endless supply of it catered for on Keepers Tour. You could offer me all the Budweiser at the ToC or Vic Bitter at the TDU that I could drink, and I’d probably choose to go dry. But at the end of a day of being pummeled by pavé or crushed by kasseien and bergs, a cold Malteni is the proverbial icing on the cobbled cake. Got a long day of spectating ahead on the Oude Kwaremont? A backpack full of the malted goodness will keep you in fine fettle and make the frites even tastier. We tested it on real live Flandrians and all were suitably impressed (then suitably disappointed when we refused a chaser). The kicker? Its gluten-free, which means it will make you live longer the more of it you drink. And there’s no hangover. Believe me, we tried.
As cycling isn’t about just riding, beer isn’t about just drinking (or drinking to get drunk, a concept largely lost on anyone swilling Bud, VB or Tui). It is about the senses; the effects we get from both riding a finely tuned bicycle and imbibing a quality ale are quite similar. Bikes and beer both look good, they smell good, and they provide us a cerebral and physical euphoria that at once relaxes and stimulates us. Enjoying both activities, in tandem, in the motherland is like reaching the cyclists’ nirvana. Yes, I’m looking forward to meeting up with old and new friends and riding the storied roads of the Monuments with The Lion this April, but if there were no Malteni at the end of each day, then the Belgian experience just wouldn’t be completely and genuinely Belgian.
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@minion
Why do you persist living in that country? You need to get out of there, you're starting to whinge like a typical Aussie; after that, you'll accept mediocrity and proclaim everything is "the best in the world", even the VB and XXXX.
There are some good beers there, but not great beers. Last time I was back me and my mate drank a lot of 8 Wired, which was part of a big section of Kiwi imports at the only good bottlo in town. One of the better local brews was from Lord Nelson, but I don't really recall any others... I used to think Little Creatures was the most exotic beer ever, until I moved to NZ (it is a good beer though, still drink the occasional one here).
Nice one, @Brett: sounds like I've gotta get my hands on some of that stuff,
@minion
@brett
A kiwi and someone with Dirty Schleck Love for that country talking about How bad Australian beer is. You both just might get me liking it again - although Carlton Draught out of the tap in a cold pot isn't the worst experience in the world.
Anyhoo you are all getting hysterical. If you cant have the beer you love then love the one you're with.
@brett and by the way if you are wondering where that last line came from - remember that song by the Chantoozies?
Spooky! This post remineded me of William and Alex. So I visited cyclingpave.cc and this is the first photo that popped up. It's me + Malteni + Oude de Kwaremont (+ a lurking @Brett).
@Marcus
See, this is what happens... justifying mediocrity is a (Aus) national pastime that needs to stamped out! Careful, minion...
@Marcus
Well, I'd probably shoved it to the dark part of my brain where the taste of VB lurks, but thanks for bringing it back... was it Kate Ceberano in that band? The horror...
@brett no Kate Ceberano could sing (a bit). The Chantoozies were a bunch of nightclub sluts, the most prominent being Totti Goldsmith - and their cover of that Stills song was an aberration, along with their very existence...
I would give your anti-Australian comments more weight if I didnt know that you originate from some shithole like Newcastle. That's like condemning the whole of Great Britain because of how fucked Glasgow is.
@minion
I normally wouldn't allow myself to be baited by a half-wit kiwi residing in the worst city in the southern hemisphere and pontificating about Aussie beer, but the sheer incongruity of that equation leaves me little choice, fucktard.
First of all, Australians never claimed to be good at beer making, just good at beer drinking. We're a basic bunch. We don't sip pints, we sink piss.
And in case you hadn't noticed from your air-conditioned gravy train, Australia is fucking hot and fucking dry. The beer here is brewed to quench the thirst of the people. Water is precious and reserved for crops and livestock because it doesn't fall from the sky constantly like in Belgium or Scotland or your puny god-forsaken outcrop. We don't sit around demanding a hint of blackberry or a greater concentration of hop oils because we're thirsty and we'd rather play sport and make jokes about how good we fucked you over with the underarm ball. Who the fuck can afford to drink a heavy, high alcohol pint when we've got 6 more hours of fencing and roo shootin to do?
When we want something different we go the shop. We don't need to invent it ourselves. It's called importing. Some of us are clever enough to realise that the glut of "micro brews" taking over the shelves are a marketing con. Didn't you realise when you saw Speights in with the boutique beer at Dan Murphy's?
If you're too sophisticated for a cold Carlton Draught, can I recommend a crisp Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc with a twist of chopped gorse. Or you can try doing something that earns you a man-sized thirst. Or why don't you fuck off back to your friend's bathroom and drink his piss. Whatever floats your boat, cunzor.
@Harminator right on harmy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KolkCNvDnWc