The grade is long and I am climbing away. I’m not going to Pantani this: I am not out of the saddle, not in the drops and not leaving everyone in my wake. The climbing gear was engaged a long time ago. There is progress, but I am not dancing up this climb. A little more cadence would really help here. If I could just get this mother-lover spinning just a bit, I could get somewhere. Maybe I’m not in the granny gear, yeah, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I do have one more gear, the gear that will solve this whole thing.
The right middle finger drops to the shifter and pushes. No. Nothing, just the feel of the derailleur hitting the limiter screw. Idiot. You knew you didn’t have another gear didn’t you but you couldn’t resist, could you? Why do I even do it? I know the answer already but I still do it. Hope springs eternal when one is too big to climb. I did it with downtube shifters too; crank that shifter back hoping for a little more action.
I bet Gino did it when he only had three speeds and a hand lever running down the seat stay to manipulate. “Mamma Mia, sto fumando come moto di un Hippie. Ho solo bisogno di una marcia in più.” *
The only time I look down and am surprised at what gear I’m in is the rare occasion when I am in my climbing gear and crossed on the “big” chainring. And that would be the only justification for wondering what the hell is going on “down there”.
My mountain bike actually has gear indicators, which are embarrassing. What are we, three year olds? On that bike I just keep pushing levers until I can’t, or I just fall over. Maybe, in a few years, when we are all forced into electronic shifting, a soothing voice will emanate from the lever. “Really? You want an even easier gear? You don’t have one so get your fat ass off the saddle, get in the drops before I auto-shift you into the big chainring and leave you there. And you call yourself a Cyclist.” The possibilities are endless.
* Loosely translated- “FFS, I am smoking like a Hippie’s motorbike. I just need one more gear.”
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Great post, too-familiar story for myself, being way-too-big-to-climb. Brings back memories of climbing The Alp during an Dutch event (Alp d'Huzes) and looking at a bike store in Bourg the day before, where hundreds of people stood in line to mount a lighter Hail Mary gear on their bikes. Fabulous sight.
You may only climb off your steed through lack of suitable ratios when a) your back wheel loses traction on the wet pave and you fall under the race commissar's car or b) when your freehub explodes and brings your wedding tackle forcefully in to contact with the top tube.
It is possible to avoid b) by riding a fixie and if your guns are that mighty then you should as the wait for the broom wagon is cold and embarrassing
@the Engine
Is it permissible to climb off? If you can climb off there is still some energy left or should it be that you have to do what a buddy of mine did a few years back on a longish, steepish climb (the ish being there is always a longer and steeper one out there somewhere). He hung in with the other two of us until with a final grunt he simply keeled over sideways and lay panting in the road still clipped in and still holding the handlebars.
@Teocalli
Surely it's a bit like the saying that if you have to step down from your boat into your life raft it's too early to be abandoning ship.
Obviously, if you are going to go down with your bike you should ensure that your body that breaks the fall thus ensuring that the bike remains undamaged and can be passed on to a more deserving rider.
@Teocalli
Fuck that shit, if you can walk you can damn well cycle, you better have a damn good excuse! I have only come to a halt once on a hill, did I walk, did I fuck. Just took a few breaths and got on with the cycling. The rest of the world walk, we are cyclists.
I love this. One thing, though: did you stop there or just go on and wait for him at the top?
@G'rilla
Being 95kg on a good day, I'm in no need of external invective. I can do it all myself. Many a walker has been surprised by Rule Five exhortations as I pass by only slightly faster than they're going. And when I can no longer swear, my head drops to see Obey the Rules emblazoned on my headset cap. No getting away from it.
@the-farmer
Similar situation with a few friends of mine on a real puncher with a 25% grade: while zig zagging one got pinched between car and side rail of the road, lost his momentum and ended up falling over still clipped in. The other pedaled right past lest he befall the same fate. The arguement at the top between the two about who should have done what was completely priceless.
Great article! As a not so built for the hills cyclist I often encounter this... I call it the Martha Reeves moment "Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide". Time to engage Rule number five!!!
@Mike Stead (@tweetymike)
Errrr .... nope. Mine just makes a hard click and stays where it is (on the 23). If it drops back to the 21 then you need to adjust either your limt screw (it'll be a smidgen too tight) or your cable (it'll be a smidgen too loose) or both. I had this problem when I first switched to SRAM but once you have it set up right you should be able to push that lever inwards, get a loud click (which is SRAM's way of telling you and everyone else that you are riding with that you've run out of legs) but no upshift.