I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
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@norm
Yes, but is the bike alright?
In all seriousness though, it sounds like you looked to Rule 5 and carried on. Chapeau. Yesterday looked like a great day for a ride but the best I got was a quick nosey round the bike shop whilst my youngest was at rugby training.
Shame about the kit but you'll be able to test the Rapha repair service. Is the Morevelo kit any good?
@norm Ice is just nasty, nasty shit.
Shame about the jersey... The merino blend version, I assume, and so exempt from their repair service? Annoying, though the broken helmet I would in some way be thankful for -- the only accidents a helmet does much in, other than transferring an impact to your head, are the ones in which it absorbs energy by breaking. That thing at least just paid for itself, in my book.
@Chris
Took a decent chunk of the carbon trim off my Chorus rear mech but it's still working perfectly and scraped my saddle. It could have been worse, the knuckle of my right hand stopped any impact on the shifter and that would have been expensive.
I decided to push on and see how I was, also I didn't fancy going back over Toys Hill with the amount of the ice on road. Thankfully the rest of the ride was ice free and I felt ok.
The worst bit was getting back to the car and having to peel off the knee warmer. It had made a great bandage but had fused to the cuts and was stuck firm.
The morvelo stuff is really decent for the price. I think its made by the same people who do the new V-kit in Poland.
@andrew
Ahh shit, I didn't check the small print of the rapha repair policy. Oh well, tempted to stick it on ebay listed as damaged, someone will buy it.
Agreed on the helmet. That Giro helmet is about £130 to replace but I can't complain, it did its job and my head was fine.
@xyxax
I was thinking about this article when I came across this device. Not considering the issues of breathing at higher altitudes, is there a relative difference in weight as you get farther away from the centre of the earth? In other words, is your weigh different at sea level than it is at elevation?
@Bespoke Yes, but the difference is pretty small. You'd be something like 0.1% lighter at 3,000 metres than at sea level. Gravity varies more by latitude as the earth is not quite spherical and centrifugal force from its rotation is greater at the equator.
@KW
Frank's from Minnesota. Given his proximity to the Chippewa Valley, I think he was over-exposed to Leinies as a youth and it has permanently skewed his view of Wisconsin brews.
@Bespoke
I like the way you think. We weigh less at the equator and at altitude (ignoring all confounding factors) by 100 gm or therabouts. I'd rather move to the Ecuadorian Andes than eat a salad.
I hope that device now resides in your home.
@KW
Leinis? Only when there is no alternative except Bud or Miller products. Sprecher, New Glarus, Lakefront, Brenner Brewing. That's the good stuff.
I found a pre crash photo of non climber climbing from sunday.
The spring collection / flandrian best is looking a bit box fresh, a few scuffs will soon take care of that.
@norm
Nice work norm. Looking fantastic helps the non-climber morale. White knee warmers, bold choice. They look killer until that first wet ride. All my white socks, shoes, white V-jerseys have a certain grey-scale about them now. But I still prefer white and keep wearing them.