I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
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Gianni, I'm going to pay you the biggest compliment you've ever been paid:
When I glanced at the cover shot, I assumed it was you.
Also, notice how small his frame is, and he's as big as you and as heavy as me.
On a multi-day ride around Tasmania the "buffet stalkers" were sick of being dropped up hills. They decided to have a race with "The skinnies" but to level the playing field we had to carry a backpack with several Kg in it. Needless to say we lost to the stalkers who proudly proclaimed "We are better climbers". Maybe, but since the skinnies suffer daily for their low weight whilst the buffet stalkers indulge their lack of selfcontrol, I think it's only fair they get flogged on every hill. You sow, and you reap. I proposed for the remainder of the tour the stalkers eat nothing but rice and then on ration. Then in a few days we'll do another race with the stalkers having lost weight competing against the skinnies sans handicap. The idea didn't go down well. I'm not sure if it was the being beaten that pissed me off, or the fact that they tried to used it to trivialize the sacrifices I make at every meal and snack time.
@Al__S
6% is very do-able no matter how long it goes. Haleakala averages around that at 3300m, it all depends how fast you go at it. Even I can do it at slog speed.
@Fausto
That's it. When people think you are sick, you are well. Go figure.
@Weldertron
And you are not going to do it too? It is the worst as I stated here before. Really, the worst thing a non-climber can do is enter that race. I had to do it a few times...perfect amount of dumb.
@PeakInTwoYears
The weird thing about not drinking as much is you still get as high as necessary just on less of it. It's magic I say! Adaptation all around. Or my liver is shot.
@Puffy
Rule #5 is implied, for everything.
"buffet stalkers" fantastic description. Beautiful. You live in Tassi? It must me a great cycling place, it keeps turning out great cyclists.
@frank
Sniff...that's the nicest thing anyone has every said to me...sniff, sniff. Grazie.
Yeah, he has moved way down on frame size. His Paris-Roubaix Ti Bianchi looked like it would fit me. I think this means I need another bike, a smaller bike. Like Magnus.
Starting out on the bike about 3 years ago at 183cm & 95kgs definitely had me in non climber category, after 3 years of chasing the guys below around the local hills I'm nearly 20 kilos lighter but as you can see I'm still fighting well above their weight category!
I'm still no fucking chance of keeping up with them when the road points up, but it's the kind of training that means that when I'm riding with someone my own size I'm more than capable of holding my own.
@Mikael Liddy
20kg is fucking fabulous. Chapeau.
@Gianni
Alright. I'm listening. Scowling, but listening.