I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
Weight for a cyclist weighs heavily. Most of us always are feeling to fat to climb, no matter what weight we're at. And then I go to a reunion or something and see dudes I grew up with, played sports with, went to college with and I actually feel badly for being so skinny, since many of them have really packed 'em on.
"You look great! What have you been doing?" Not much, just buying road bike after road bike, Following, looking at myself in Lycra on a daily basis, worried that weighing 5 kgs less than when I was in college isn't enough. Ya know.
@Chris
God that's flat. I get 350m^ on my 15km to work and there isn't anything that you'd even consider a real 'hill'.
Are you riding Ashdown on Sunday?
@The Oracle
Ditch the fucking dairy if you are eating any. You will notice positive change in no time.
@TommyTubolare
I appreciate that this is good advice, but telling a guy from Wisconsin to stop eating dairy is like telling an Irish guy to stop drinking and fighting. We know it ain't good for us, but we just can't help ourselves.
@norm I never quite got round to signing up for Ashdown this year. My brother-in-law, who I usually do it with couldn't make it and it's a bit of a trek from my place. Just as well really, it doesn't look like I'll be having a weekend, there's a big report to be written by Wednesday evening.
I have, however, signed up for Flat Out in the Fens in June with the intention of riding to and from the start to rack up a double ton by Her Majesty's measuring stick.
@Puffy Can't revise the rules as they have come down from on high. Imagine the revised Ten Commandments: "Thou shall not kill, unless he has it coming."
Revision opens the door to trouble.
@The Oracle
HA! Ditch the dairy. That's a good one. If there are two things that we Wisconsinites will not quit, it's dairy and beer.
Now, the question is, if you had to give one up--gun to your head and all--which one would it be?
I could live without the cheese...
@KW
"I wish I had become serious about riding 10 years ago. I'm saddened to think of all the miles I missed out on. I guess I'll just have to catch up."
The quote above looks familiar? Don't do the same stupid mistake twice. But I can tell you just by ditching cheese you could enjoy a glass of a good beer every evening and you'll be fine. Either that or you can continue your bad habits to be a good guy from Wisconsin. The choice is yours.
I'm too fat to climb and too stupid to know better.
Any decent ride around here means hills and plenty of them.
@Darren H
This is also why climbing a straight road is pure hell. Being able to see the top is only rewarding when the tippy top is just over there, not when its way the fuck up the road.
@Teocalli
...what he said...
@Jon
If you're looking for sense, you're in the wrong place - you can find lots sense over on a respectable site.