I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
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Climbing always comes down to how much you can suffer. I lose weight and then think I'll automatically go faster. The thing is, I'll just go the same speed but feel better. The trick is to keep putting yourself in the hurt box just as much as you did when you were a fat fuck. I see stubborn fat guys out climb the skinny folk all the time.
@ChrisO
Fair enough about power, but doing climbs only makes you better at dealing with it mentally, if not so much in actually being better at it.
It also teaches you how to deal with the inevitable slowing of your cadence that comes as part of that asshole gravity trying to pull you back down the hill - things like riding on the hoods for better leverage when you're suffering, on the tops to maintain, standing in the drops when you're overgeared...whatever works for you individually to get uphill faster when the hurt is on will be learned with practice and practice only. But if you don't have the power, then you won't get up the hill.
@Ccos
Good boy.
@KW
I don't think Leinenkugel counts as beer?
@KW
Beer, cheese, or dairy? I live in WI and I have to forego one? Damn . . . tough choice! Milk is an integral part of my diet and pre-ride meal. Cheese I like in moderation, same with beer - had a couple of spotted cows at the weekend - damn they were fine. How about I never have a ciggie, glass of wine, parmesan cheese, sushi or most shellfish for the rest of my life? That's it, I totally abstain from parmesan cheese forever. Of course, it could be part of a radical weight loss program - at the end of every meal I eat some parmesan cheese and vomit everything up.
@wiscot Well, Keith Richards cites his avoidance of cheese as the key to his longevity (re: failure to die).
Maybe they're on to something here.
@Gianni
It won't beat me. I won't let it. There's another 1500m to the actual summit of Teide, but that appears to be mountain bike country.
@chris it isn't quite as bad as resorting to car parks. There's, um, Madingley rise. And Chapel Hill. And heading south into Hertfordshire and Essex gives quick access to lots of little but sharp climbs.
I come to believe there is a "range" in which you can climb a hill, that equates to a certain amount of energy used. It may be total bullshit, but oblige me for a moment. (I'm an engineer, so I think in quirky ways like this)
Think of a graph with two line. One straight line is effort, and one curved line is your energy capacity. On a graph these two line intersect twice. Between those two points is your "suffer zone" while your climbing. At the lower intersecting end is the speed you climb, is where you're mentally giving it something, but also (mentally) saving for later in the ride. Its defiantly suffering. However, I believe that most don't realize the other intersection exists. This is where you suffer more, but for less time, ultimately expelling the same energy while getting up the climb faster.
I know, that on most rides, I can go out and crush an entire shop ride on a climb. Not bragging, its just the way it is on some rides. I'm a better climber than sprinter. BUT, I also noticed, that on rides where I stick closer to the pack, at the top of the climb I'm still huffing and puffing. I was baffled at how can I be going slower, and still find a pain cave.
These are the things I think about while on my bike, rolling along the asphalt, listening to the tires roll. SO.... it got me thinking that maybe I can go even faster, I just need to breech that mental barrier and punch it. It worked, I found hills that just crushed my ego before, I could get to the top quicker than I ever expected.
The quest is to find that tipping point, because there sure is one. I've completely blown up a time or two, and had to hang my head in shame over the bars absolutely gasping for air, while my buddies mumble sweet profane nothings as they pass me by.
Bottom line, you have a tank of fuel for a climb. You can slowly milk it dry, or just damn chug it.
@Ccos
If you're taking health advice from Keith Richards I'm pretty sure cheese (or lack thereof) will be the least of your issues...
@Mikael Liddy
Well, he looks kinda gnarly to be sure, but he's not too fat to climb. Of course, I'm sure his lungs are the size of peanuts after all the cigs so he might be at a disadvantage there. His autobiography did make for a good read though.
Maggie's wearing Bonts. Good man. That is a great photo.
@The Oracle
That should wake @Dr C up.