I’m a non-climber who enjoys climbing. I’d enjoy it more if I was good at it. And “enjoy” might be too strong a word, “tolerate” might be better. But dragging 89 kilos up a volcano gives one time to contemplate the cycling life .
Let us define non-climber. It’s someone either too fat, too big (gravitationally challenged) or a fast- twitching sprinter. Not liking to suffer does not make you a non-climber. As the moto camera drifts down the peloton on the Ventoux, it’s still the guys at the back who are dying the worst. Finishing within the time limit for the non-climber requires a trip deep into the cave-o-pain.
For the cyclist, the power-to-weight ratio (watts generated/body weight in kg) is king, especially when the road goes up. A large improvement in the power side of the formula is tough, we have already chosen our damn parents and cursed inheriting their vestigial hearts and lungs. Yes, this number should be honed to its finest edge, it can be nudged up but not a lot.
The weight side of the equation is completely changeable and under our control.
Lose some weight, you fat bastards. Yes, I’m talking to you. The most important thing to improve climbing, by far, is to lose some weight. Do you need dramatic proof? Put a known weight (2 liter bottles of water) into a knapsack and do a regular route. The hills will be bad, very bad. Now imagine losing that same two or four kilos. The difference can be just as impressive. When I’m at a decent riding weight, climbing out of the saddle for extended periods is not a problem. I’m still slow but gravity is not demanding I put my ass on the saddle. Losing body weight is free; one looks better on and off the bike. Your friends will hate you. What is the down side? Oh right, it takes self-control and not drinking as much alcohol as life requires.
Don’t carry extra weight on the bike. If you really don’t need a second large bidon, don’t carry that 0.8kg. That’s more than the difference between super-light climbing wheels and regular road wheels. For reasons I’ll never understand, a bike that is one kilo lighter seems noticeably faster than the one kilo saved from a bidon. So yes, N+1 can be invoked but it’s much cheaper to just leave that second bottle at home.
LeMan said the key to climbing was to relax…easy for him to say when he had the heart and lungs of three Velominati. But Rule #10 is Rule #10 so meditate on relaxing while dancing uphill. Find a little rhythm. Click up into a longer gear, pop out of the saddle, shift back down, park it back in the saddle.
Find a gear you can turn over comfortably. As we all know, Dr Ferrari was the one to get Lance to spin up climbs. It’s tough to know where the EPO stopped and the spinning started but it did seem to work for him. While some may argue for climbing in the big chainring, for us non-climbers, climbing in the saddle and spinning a gear will get us up faster and with less collateral damage.
The best part of climbing as a non-climber is that we are out there, doing it. The Stelvio, hell yeah, it’s going to take a little longer to get up there but we will do it. We don’t stop, we don’t put a foot down. We suffer like you-know-who on you-know-what but we still do it with a stupid smiles on our faces.
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
@KW
Trans-fats in moderation? Added sugar in moderation? Heroin in moderation?
No thanks. All three will fuck your shit up, even if you'll get arguments from some quarters.
Observations on today's hills: Pushing a descent while you still feel like throwing up from the uphill you just finished is kind of exhilarating. Then misjudging a downhill hairpin bend in the wet, sliding on the muddy, leafy shoulder and ending up wedged against the barrier is significantly deflating. The bike's ok, though!
@Marcus I fail to see what a triathlete who is not you and is wearing Bonts has to do with this article.
@Nate
I think he is taunting me because I like Magnus and Magnus is a triathlete. That is how Marcus shows love.
@andrew
Do you make everything you eat from scratch? I hope you haven't eaten any processed food lately, or eaten in a restaurant, because I guarantee you've had trans fat and added sugar.
I'm not naive enough to think that it's reasonable for me (I can only speak for myself) to completely eliminate ALL bad things from my diet. My goal is to limit them as much as I can.
And when did I mention anything about drugs? My comments were about food and drink.
@Gianni
Magnus is a triathlete now? Unwelcome development, this is.
@Mike_P
Hard to miss those, Mike! I know they are going for something new, but ouch, that font they use just isn't workin' for me.
@McTyke
Hell yes! If you are used to going fast, or going fast is one thing you love about cycling, long, steady gradients are definitely hell on Earth.
I have commented that if I ever run afoul of the law (or get caught, I should say) the worst punishment a judge could hand out is not to impound all my bikes or put me in jail or community service. It would be to make me ride around on my bikes at something like 5kmph.
I think this is why I don't fancy long loaded touring - I don't think I could handle slow climbs with four panniers. That said, I have done some light touring and absolutely dug it, so who knows...
@Ron yea I agree. Almost trying to be too edgy.
@KW
Essentially, yes, though I don't mill my own grain. Minimal processed food (and when then traditional, organic processes), no food with added sugar (or HFCS etc) as an added ingredient; trans fats are easy to avoid (living in Europe helps), even in restaurants if you're selective, and though they do like to add sugar to things, a little communication goes a long way.
I'd challenge anyone here to go 21 days without eating anything that lists any kind of sugar as an added ingredient, as well as avoiding alcohol. Buy raw food and switch any cow-dairy to goat or sheep milk (and cheese if you must). Changed my life, and I believe added sugar will be up there with cigarettes and trans-fats in 5-10 years.