Look Pro: Keep a Lid on It

The most stylish bit of gear in Cycling history: the Cycling Cap

Cycling has been suffering a crisis every since the use of a helmet became compulsory. This crisis is rooted in the simple fact that cycling peaked aesthetically with the cycling cap perched casually deliberate atop a sweaty cranium. It was only after mandatory helmet dictum spread its tentacles into all UCI-sanctioned races in 2003 that helmet manufacturers began taking helmet design seriously.

To be clear, I am a helmet advocate. I never leave home without mine, and no Cyclist shall ever be allowed to start a Cogal without perching one on their noggin. But I do this in the knowledge that I look less Fantastic that if I were rolling out in a classic cotton Cycling Cap.

Specialized was the first to make inroads into building a stylish helmet with the Sub-Six. The fact that every other helmet was a hollowed-out bowling ball didn’t matter very much because no one wore them outside Belgium, and even there, they were permitted to wear the second-coolest piece of headgear, the Hairnet. Giro made some inroads with their Air Attack series, but progress was generally at a standstill until the hardshell became mandatory after the tragic death of Andrey Kivilev in Paris-Nice in 2003.

The issue of the helmet has also been compounded by the fact that most continental Pros had no clue how to wear a helmet, given that they spent most of their lives not wearing one. When asked to, they often suffered from Toad Head and other anomalies commonly encountered when violating the Three-Point System.

Helmets are a necessary evil which are improving in style, but they are all uglier than the hallowed Cycling Cap. When wearing a helmet, keep the following points in mind.

  1. Keep the front low to the eyes. Forehead exposure must be limited to 1-2 cm at all times. As always, the Three-Point System is your guide.
  2. Keep the chin strap snug, but not too tight; you need to be able to move your mouth sufficiently in order to allow for the inhaling of wasps.
  3. Helmets look even worse without shades; they must be accompanied by cycling-specific eyewear at all times. If they are not in use over the eyes, they must be tucked in the helmet vents.
  4. Helmets are under no circumstances to resemble that of one worn in other sports such as hockey or rock climbing.
  5. If, at any point, you find yourself reaching for the same helmet as the hipster who arrived at the LBS aboard a fixie, reconsider your life because you are off the path.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/helmets/”/]

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @ChrisO

    Well, well, well... I bet you are all just as happy as I am that I've been mostly on the beach for the last four days. First time I've been online and it will only be brief so I'll leave you to mentally insert my well-known position.

    Perfect timing really.

    Any more helmet talk and Marcus whips it out again.

  • @Marcus

    For anyone who thinks that x-ray is real, firstly thanks for believing that my todger might have the a similar density to my femur, not to mention being around half its length whilst it asleep.

    If that was the case, then Thelma wouldnt be so angry

    How long were you holding onto your todger before you found an appropriate moment to insert it?

  • @scaler911

    @Marcus

    So we've officially hit the bottom here haven't we? Nowhere to go but up from here. Well done sir, well done indeed. I really thought it'd be @minion that would take us there.

    Oh come on now, this is way more entertaining than the shifter indicator debate. I'm sure Marcus's schlong has a wee red arrow to let him know what gear he's in. Mind you, not sure I'd want a Sora or Tiagra grade schlong. You'd be wanting Ultegra at the very least.

  • @Marcus

    Very nicely done sir...loved the execution...casually deliberate to be sure.  While I was not ROTFLMAO I was definitely unable to control the laughter that was bubbling up from below.  I needed a good laugh today.  Thanks!

  • @unversio

    (Elwood voice) "That's Adamantium in there... strong stuff!"

    No matter how funny your comment about it, can we please refrain from reposting that photo?

  • @Skip

    Seconded. One time is more than enough. Another example of when The Keepers step in and do some editing of posts. You're welcome.

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