Look Pro: Keep a Lid on It
Cycling has been suffering a crisis every since the use of a helmet became compulsory. This crisis is rooted in the simple fact that cycling peaked aesthetically with the cycling cap perched casually deliberate atop a sweaty cranium. It was only after mandatory helmet dictum spread its tentacles into all UCI-sanctioned races in 2003 that helmet manufacturers began taking helmet design seriously.
To be clear, I am a helmet advocate. I never leave home without mine, and no Cyclist shall ever be allowed to start a Cogal without perching one on their noggin. But I do this in the knowledge that I look less Fantastic that if I were rolling out in a classic cotton Cycling Cap.
Specialized was the first to make inroads into building a stylish helmet with the Sub-Six. The fact that every other helmet was a hollowed-out bowling ball didn’t matter very much because no one wore them outside Belgium, and even there, they were permitted to wear the second-coolest piece of headgear, the Hairnet. Giro made some inroads with their Air Attack series, but progress was generally at a standstill until the hardshell became mandatory after the tragic death of Andrey Kivilev in Paris-Nice in 2003.
The issue of the helmet has also been compounded by the fact that most continental Pros had no clue how to wear a helmet, given that they spent most of their lives not wearing one. When asked to, they often suffered from Toad Head and other anomalies commonly encountered when violating the Three-Point System.
Helmets are a necessary evil which are improving in style, but they are all uglier than the hallowed Cycling Cap. When wearing a helmet, keep the following points in mind.
- Keep the front low to the eyes. Forehead exposure must be limited to 1-2 cm at all times. As always, the Three-Point System is your guide.
- Keep the chin strap snug, but not too tight; you need to be able to move your mouth sufficiently in order to allow for the inhaling of wasps.
- Helmets look even worse without shades; they must be accompanied by cycling-specific eyewear at all times. If they are not in use over the eyes, they must be tucked in the helmet vents.
- Helmets are under no circumstances to resemble that of one worn in other sports such as hockey or rock climbing.
- If, at any point, you find yourself reaching for the same helmet as the hipster who arrived at the LBS aboard a fixie, reconsider your life because you are off the path.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/helmets/”/]
@the Engine
I prefer to have the arms of my sunglasses grip the back of my ears a bit, so I usually bend them down if they’re straight. On all of my helmets, that has the effect of raising the glasses up when tucked into the vent. It also lets the glasses hook into the vents a bit more for security. Note: I do the upside down tuck to get the lenses out of my field of vision.
@frank
Most serious crash to date was with one of these Giro’s back in ’94 – fairly sure it saved my life despite its looks. Still have the remains as a reminder.
I just got a Troy Lee A1 in silver flake for the MTB. Ridiculously comfortable. I wish they made a road helmet. I probably can’t get away with removing the visor for CX races.
@Cyclops
Hey, it’s hard to tell. I thought you were just giving us a big meaty middle finger!
@Cantona
Dont worry – I am on your side after I did this to a helmet a few years back.
Didnt save my hip though
@Cyclops
Wow, Sir Elton has dropped some weight since he started riding, but it’s hard to imagine that it’s easy to play the piano with fingers like those.
@Marcus, I would have thought that your campaign for Mayor of New York would keep you too busy to ride or post!
Caps not hats.
That is all
@Marcus Was the hip x-ray just an excuse to get your schlong on Velominati?
@wiscot I was hoping it was his middle finger!!
@il ciclista medio
Thats either a horse or a magnified fruit fly’s junk.
Ferfucksake. FYI, @Marcus, I’m rebuilding the upload too and seriously considering hardcoding your banishment into it.
but then we’d never see what Im sure you will post in response.
@El Cannon
@the Engine
I flip them upside down for security, and right side up for brevity.
That said, if a helmet does not hold them well enough, it is a crime punishable by replacement of said helmet. Which usually means @Jim gets a new free almost perfect helmet.
@Marcus
I vote for some special badge for posting that. The x-ray tech must have been a fluffer or just dead sexy.
@il ciclista medio
@frank
@Gianni
Doctor told me i was very lucky.
Very lucky that it didnt get caught in the spokes.
@Marcus
ARRRGGGGHHH MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!!
Arrrr it’s ok now. Just googles the Assos girl… pfew.
@Cyclops
Since when did Idaho have Toyotas?
@Marcus
You dirty bugger.
@Marcus +1 for trolling-by-schlong; well done sir! -2 for needing to gouge my eyes out. +1 for making me laugh my fucking ass off at everybody else’s reactions (especially @Puffy‘s).
Please don’t do that again. (And yes, I’m still laughing my fucking ass off…)
Wow. I saw the photo but was only looking at the arrow.
Now we all know that @Marcus dresses to the right.
I’m calling BS here. Would a man’s package even show up on an x-ray?
I bet 10 quid he had a titanium dildo in his pocket. Probably custom welded by Baum.
@Marcus
So we’ve officially hit the bottom here haven’t we? Nowhere to go but up from here. Well done sir, well done indeed. I really thought it’d be @minion that would take us there.
Apparently the phenomenon even has it’s own name among doctors:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Thomas_sign
It was a long process for sure but I have officially given up my trucker hats for the proverbial Cycling cap. Though only worn in fowl weather!
@Marcus I hate to think what you were doing to risk it getting caught in the spokes while doing that to your helmet.
That would be some serious road rash.
@french fries
If Marcus posting his titanium Baum dildo made you see the light, then Merckx bless him. Then Merckx bless ‘im..
@scaler911
@Marcus is actually Derek Smalls. And this is the bottom. The Big Bottom.
For anyone who thinks that x-ray is real, firstly thanks for believing that my todger might have the a similar density to my femur, not to mention being around half its length whilst it asleep.
If that was the case, then Thelma wouldnt be so angry
I’ll add mine to the gallery. Hit a bump in the road (which I have no memory of doing so). Hit the deck really, really hard. Broke my clavicle, cracked a couple of ribs, partially collapsed right lung. Huge bruise on my forehead and the headache from hell for two days. Had surgery to put a plate in the clavicle. That was last September 15, and by the end of November I was back on the bike.
I won’t even ride around the block without wearing a helmet.
Well, well, well… I bet you are all just as happy as I am that I’ve been mostly on the beach for the last four days. First time I’ve been online and it will only be brief so I’ll leave you to mentally insert my well-known position.
Perfect timing really.
@Marcus
You should have posted it on the COCKS thread instead.
in other news, my sheep have begun behaving strangely.
@ChrisO
Any more helmet talk and Marcus whips it out again.
@Marcus
How long were you holding onto your todger before you found an appropriate moment to insert it?
@scaler911
Oh come on now, this is way more entertaining than the shifter indicator debate. I’m sure Marcus’s schlong has a wee red arrow to let him know what gear he’s in. Mind you, not sure I’d want a Sora or Tiagra grade schlong. You’d be wanting Ultegra at the very least.
@Marcus
Very nicely done sir…loved the execution…casually deliberate to be sure. While I was not ROTFLMAO I was definitely unable to control the laughter that was bubbling up from below. I needed a good laugh today. Thanks!
@Steampunk
We just got cable too.
@Cyclops
But they’re still using dial-up and AOL.
@Cyclops
The telegraph is a wonderful invention. Grats.
@Marcus
(Elwood voice) “That’s Adamantium in there… strong stuff!”
@unversio
No matter how funny your comment about it, can we please refrain from reposting that photo?
@Skip
Seconded. One time is more than enough. Another example of when The Keepers step in and do some editing of posts. You’re welcome.
Is this about helmets or chapeaus? I’ll just wear both and call it a day.
Taylor Phinney – absolute, pure freaking class!!!!
Commuting one day on my MTB, shorts with baggy legs.
Stood up to accelerate from a set of lights, leg of shorts gets caught on the left bar as my left gun heads down.
Bad outcome. Broken clavicle, broken helmet. Head intact.
$10 head = $10 helmet.
@rastuscat
Moral of the story? Perhaps Rule #18 shouldn’t always be taken literally.
Lycra on the road bike, on the cross bike, on the mtb., on the couch, in the pool….
Im a Rule #18 violator cause I ride my MTB in Lycra. Wouldnt do it any other way.
If I had a mtb., I would also. I don’t need my shorts snagging on precariously positioned plants protruding preposterously…
Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that!
It was a Boreas. I’ve since worn out an Atmos. Think my current one is an Ionos. Pretty sure they are Greek Islands.
When the helmet laws were introduced in NZ (New Zealand) the number of people cycling (not cyclists, just bike riders) dropped significantly. It’s a public health issue as it discourages those who look for excuses to not ride.
I’d rather it was a personal choice issue. I’d always wear it out cycling, but maybe not while riding in the park with my kids.
I know this is a very debatable opinion, but I don’t like being told what to do.
Text speak, trucker hats, and enhanced x-rays, this has really hit the bottom.
@Buck Rogers
Further evidence of my amazing computer savviness here: It only took me 48 hours to figure out how to post the photo of dear ol’Ludo’s helmet with the useless whateverthefuckitis back visor!
Jaysus, Ludo looks like he should be carrying a club and killing mammoths with a spear, or by hand.