La Vie Velominatus: Saleté Sacrée

Sacred Flemish grime covered our bikes on Keepers Tour.

A Velominatus maintains their machine with meticulous care, doting over it daily. A bicycle is a tool, but it is also a work of art, and serves us loyally in pursuit of our craft. We love them as though they were alive; as we grow together, the cracks and lines formed upon both our skins signifies the journey that has passed beneath our wheels.

A clean bicycle with a boastful luster inspires pride; I find myself constantly fighting the urge to carry mine upstairs to sit by the dinner table each time it has been cleaned, the bar tape freshly wrapped, or any old component swapped for a new one. I’m sure a psychiatrist would have a thing or two to say about it; I know the VMH does.

And yet, there are times when it pains me to clean my machine. After our first day on the Cobbles of Roubaix on Keepers Tour 2012, I left my bike dirty for two days because I couldn’t bring myself to rid her frame of the sacred dust that had accumulated after a day’s hard riding over some of the most hallowed roads in the world. A week later, I suffered the same condition the day after riding the route of De Ronde through hail, rain, and wind which left our machines covered in mud, manure, and Merckx knows what else. I think some part of me hoped the Flemish spirit held within all that grit would somehow be absorbed by my bike, that it would somehow help complete her soul.

But this kind of sacred dirt, the kind we don’t want to wash from our steeds, isn’t found only on the holy roads of Northern Europe. I found myself with the same reluctance to clean my Graveur after riding Heck of the North this year; a race held outside a small Northern Minnesota town nearly half a world from Flanders. I also serendipitously found photos Pavé William took of his Rosin after riding the Strade Bianche, documenting the covering of white dust upon its tubes. This condition afflicts us all, it would seem.

Any dirt becomes holy when we’ve suffered through it, when it took something from us in order to find its way onto our bikes and clothing. Sacred Dirt it is created spontaneously after prolonged exposure to The V.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Mustache Monster Mash »

Previous « V-Announcements: New Photo Upload Tool

View Comments

frank says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:35 am

@Marcus

@Buck Rogers

your story has given me a lot of relief. I used to think that really hot chicks often looked disinterested when they were around me because they weren't interested in me.

Now i find out that they were just trying to delay their crow's feet.
I got some phone calls to make.

Not so fast. It is also difficult to smile while holding back the gag reflex.
Chris says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:37 am

@frank I think it is the same feeling of attachment that makes me completely incapable of throwing away worn out or crash damaged bike parts. My garage has a growing collection of chain ring, disc rotors and handlebars adorning various nooks and crannies. Those things were there for me on the journey and have earnt the right not to be consigned to the bin.
frank says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:40 am

@jeremy kershaw

As keeper of the Heck of the North, I am beyond honored to share gravel in the same sentence with the truly great events of this sport. Thank you for witnessing what we have in this corner of the world.

It deserves its place there, not to mention that it speaks to the true spirit of Cycling.

@Marko

@jeremy kershaw

As keeper of the Heck of the North, I am beyond honored to share gravel in the same sentence with the truly great events of this sport. Thank you for witnessing what we have in this corner of the world.

What you have done with the Heck is such a fun contribution to cycling. Plus, it gives sods like us shit to write and talk about. So thanks again. But let's not talk about this corner of the world, we don't need any more people.

Don't worry, the shit winters will keep the riffraff out. Same goes for Seattle, to a lesser extent.
frank says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:49 am

@Buck Rogers

@Marko

@Buck Rogers Forgive me if this comes off as comparing my experiences to yours in service as mine do not compare. That said, I can relate to the boot story. I bought a new pair of Red Wing classic mocs this spring before this summer's expedition. They were my wet boots, every day, for 70 days, and 1200 miles. They will never be the same again and I can't bring myself to try to bring them back. They're shriveled and worn and tell many stories. Now they sit.

Not at all! It's the imbued feeling that one has from experiences like this that Frank captured so well that I had to share it. I know I can sound like an ass some of the times around here (most of the times?) but I am not trying to enter any dick measuring contest of who is cooler or who has done more, better, longer, etc. It's all about the experiences and I totally get yours. Some things just become sacred secondary to their associations. Your shoes, my shoes, it's all in the same vein.

Marko, you weren't getting shot at, but you paddled a canoe from your house to the Hudson Bay, navigating your way along in the wilderness with little if any support. You could easily have been hurt or killed. I think your experience fits very high on the Scale of Awesome.
eightzero says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:51 am

Two words: ritualistic washing.

These is much more to this than meets the eye. I too obcess over keeping a pristine machine. I scoff with some indigntaion over the popular notion that you shouldn't use high pressure water to clean a bike, because "the pressure will force water and grit into places where lube goes." Well, just get the dirt of out those places, and put new lube in where it belongs. Yes, this can take a while. Clean, yes. Destroy functionality, no.

However, dirt in mechanisms degrades their performance, and shortens their lifespan. But news flash - all the moving parts will need to be replaced eventually anyway. Ride your Fucking Bike, and accept that parts can be replaced. The memory of those rides is *forever.* The dirt, as you say, is a badge of sucess.

There is no such thing as an uncleanable bike.
frank says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:51 am

@scaler911

Is it still sacred if it's more on your face than on your whip?

@gaswepass (l) @scaler911 (r). hangers on in the background. Photo by J.L. (used without his permission, but he probably won't care or will make me suffer on his wheel at a later date)

You've done well with your Pedalwan there; @gaswepass doens't look nearly the tit he did on the Cogal a few years back. Strong work.
frank says:

Oct 22 2013 at 11:57 am

@eightzero

Two words: ritualistic washing.

These is much more to this than meets the eye. I too obcess over keeping a pristine machine. I scoff with some indigntaion over the popular notion that you shouldn't use high pressure water to clean a bike, because "the pressure will force water and grit into places where lube goes." Well, just get the dirt of out those places, and put new lube in where it belongs. Yes, this can take a while. Clean, yes. Destroy functionality, no.

However, dirt in mechanisms degrades their performance, and shortens their lifespan. But news flash - all the moving parts will need to be replaced eventually anyway. Ride your Fucking Bike, and accept that parts can be replaced. The memory of those rides is *forever.* The dirt, as you say, is a badge of sucess.

There is no such thing as an uncleanable bike.

Awesome post.

One point, the problem with the pressure washer is that for the most part, the bearings are sealed and the water molecules are smaller than the dirt, so the pressure washer doesn't remove any dirt from the bearings (because it wasn't in there) but the water pushes in past the seals and rusts the balls inside.

But you're in good company; the pros use them all the time - although they swap bearings more regularly than we do.
eightzero says:

Oct 22 2013 at 12:15 pm

@frank

@eightzero

Two words: ritualistic washing.

These is much more to this than meets the eye. I too obcess over keeping a pristine machine. I scoff with some indigntaion over the popular notion that you shouldn't use high pressure water to clean a bike, because "the pressure will force water and grit into places where lube goes." Well, just get the dirt of out those places, and put new lube in where it belongs. Yes, this can take a while. Clean, yes. Destroy functionality, no.

However, dirt in mechanisms degrades their performance, and shortens their lifespan. But news flash - all the moving parts will need to be replaced eventually anyway. Ride your Fucking Bike, and accept that parts can be replaced. The memory of those rides is *forever.* The dirt, as you say, is a badge of sucess.

There is no such thing as an uncleanable bike.

Awesome post.

One point, the problem with the pressure washer is that for the most part, the bearings are sealed and the water molecules are smaller than the dirt, so the pressure washer doesn't remove any dirt from the bearings (because it wasn't in there) but the water pushes in past the seals and rusts the balls inside.

But you're in good company; the pros use them all the time - although they swap bearings more regularly than we do.

Concur: because the pros get all their bearings (and everything else) free. And when you don't have to spend your own quid on replacements, you spend more time Working For The Man, less time riding. Unless you're loaded, and then you can ride all you want, and you don't care that you're destroying functionality. But hey, all the pros had to start somewhere, right? I mean, nobody who is rich just becomes a pro? She put in all her dues as a working girl first, right?
mcsqueak says:

Oct 22 2013 at 12:22 pm

One of the best things about my new house: a back yard where I can hose my bike off with the "mist" setting and then dry it off. Cleaning my bike takes waaaaay less time than it used to when I lived in a apartment.
Teocalli says:

Oct 22 2013 at 1:07 pm

@frank

@eightzero

Two words: ritualistic washing.

These is much more to this than meets the eye. I too obcess over keeping a pristine machine. I scoff with some indigntaion over the popular notion that you shouldn't use high pressure water to clean a bike, because "the pressure will force water and grit into places where lube goes." Well, just get the dirt of out those places, and put new lube in where it belongs. Yes, this can take a while. Clean, yes. Destroy functionality, no.

However, dirt in mechanisms degrades their performance, and shortens their lifespan. But news flash - all the moving parts will need to be replaced eventually anyway. Ride your Fucking Bike, and accept that parts can be replaced. The memory of those rides is *forever.* The dirt, as you say, is a badge of sucess.

There is no such thing as an uncleanable bike.

Awesome post.

One point, the problem with the pressure washer is that for the most part, the bearings are sealed and the water molecules are smaller than the dirt, so the pressure washer doesn't remove any dirt from the bearings (because it wasn't in there) but the water pushes in past the seals and rusts the balls inside.

But you're in good company; the pros use them all the time - although they swap bearings more regularly than we do.

My LBS always say that the love people who use pressure washers. Work creation for them!