La Vie Velominatus: Saleté Sacrée

Sacred Flemish grime covered our bikes on Keepers Tour.

A Velominatus maintains their machine with meticulous care, doting over it daily. A bicycle is a tool, but it is also a work of art, and serves us loyally in pursuit of our craft. We love them as though they were alive; as we grow together, the cracks and lines formed upon both our skins signifies the journey that has passed beneath our wheels.

A clean bicycle with a boastful luster inspires pride; I find myself constantly fighting the urge to carry mine upstairs to sit by the dinner table each time it has been cleaned, the bar tape freshly wrapped, or any old component swapped for a new one. I’m sure a psychiatrist would have a thing or two to say about it; I know the VMH does.

And yet, there are times when it pains me to clean my machine. After our first day on the Cobbles of Roubaix on Keepers Tour 2012, I left my bike dirty for two days because I couldn’t bring myself to rid her frame of the sacred dust that had accumulated after a day’s hard riding over some of the most hallowed roads in the world. A week later, I suffered the same condition the day after riding the route of De Ronde through hail, rain, and wind which left our machines covered in mud, manure, and Merckx knows what else. I think some part of me hoped the Flemish spirit held within all that grit would somehow be absorbed by my bike, that it would somehow help complete her soul.

But this kind of sacred dirt, the kind we don’t want to wash from our steeds, isn’t found only on the holy roads of Northern Europe. I found myself with the same reluctance to clean my Graveur after riding Heck of the North this year; a race held outside a small Northern Minnesota town nearly half a world from Flanders. I also serendipitously found photos Pavé William took of his Rosin after riding the Strade Bianche, documenting the covering of white dust upon its tubes. This condition afflicts us all, it would seem.

Any dirt becomes holy when we’ve suffered through it, when it took something from us in order to find its way onto our bikes and clothing. Sacred Dirt it is created spontaneously after prolonged exposure to The V.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Mustache Monster Mash »

Previous « V-Announcements: New Photo Upload Tool

View Comments

DeKerr says:

Oct 22 2013 at 2:03 pm

@frank When can we (I) get that photo of the sacred-soiled golden ticket as a VVallpaper? I don't ever want to stop looking at it but I either have to a.) get back to work b.) go ride a bike or c.) pay attention to the wife.

@Buck Rogers You, and your giant swinging dick, are on my list of people to whom I feel obligated to buy a drink.

And you paddled to fucking Hudson Bay from Minnesota?? @Marko I need to add you to that list too.
VeloVita says:

Oct 22 2013 at 4:20 pm

Great featured photo of the Ambrosios - it got picked up by the Show Me The Bike blog by the way.
sthilzy says:

Oct 22 2013 at 4:27 pm

Sacred dust in 2014 TdF?

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/five-mountain-finishes-for-2014-tour-de-france

Stages in northern France are expected to remember the 100th anniversary of the start of the first world war, while also remembering Tour de France riders Octave Lapize, Francois Faber and Lucien Petit Breton who all died in the conflict.

Up to six sectors of pave could be included in the stage according to Tuttosport, possibly including the terrible long section of the Forest of Arenberg.
sthilzy says:

Oct 22 2013 at 5:09 pm

Back in the 90's (1998?) when MTB racing, one event was rainy and course was muddy as. The pot holes were so deep you did lose your front wheel in it. The race was more of a challenge/obstcle course. Heaps of fun. After the race looking at our bikes and we loved the build up of bog all over, but it wasn't going in the car like that. No hoses, no high pressure cleaners, only a fast running river running fast. We rode down into the water, full kit and submerged the steeds in the water. Came out clean as, dissappointed the mud had to come off. I still haven't taken the MTB apart. Kept the chain lubed though.

Forgive me for my Rule #65 sin, but it was fun and we still talk about that race to this day! The mud sticks in our minds!
DerHoggz says:

Oct 22 2013 at 5:15 pm

@frank

I admit to doing the same when commuting by bike in winter; a full cleaning just seems to pointless. But none of that dirt or grit is sacred, it's just nasty crap that should be pulled off the machine as soon as you can get to it.

My usual winter cleaning amounts to just clearing the ice/slush off of any moving surfaces (drivetrain and wheels mostly). I do also do complete frame-off overhauls periodically with degreaser baths and such.

@frank

@eightzero

Two words: ritualistic washing.

These is much more to this than meets the eye. I too obcess over keeping a pristine machine. I scoff with some indigntaion over the popular notion that you shouldn't use high pressure water to clean a bike, because "the pressure will force water and grit into places where lube goes." Well, just get the dirt of out those places, and put new lube in where it belongs. Yes, this can take a while. Clean, yes. Destroy functionality, no.

However, dirt in mechanisms degrades their performance, and shortens their lifespan. But news flash - all the moving parts will need to be replaced eventually anyway. Ride your Fucking Bike, and accept that parts can be replaced. The memory of those rides is *forever.* The dirt, as you say, is a badge of sucess.

There is no such thing as an uncleanable bike.

Awesome post.

One point, the problem with the pressure washer is that for the most part, the bearings are sealed and the water molecules are smaller than the dirt, so the pressure washer doesn't remove any dirt from the bearings (because it wasn't in there) but the water pushes in past the seals and rusts the balls inside.

But you're in good company; the pros use them all the time - although they swap bearings more regularly than we do.

This is why cup and cone is better than cartridge. I actually enjoyed redoing the BB and wheels on my old bike. If I ever get around to wheelbuilding, it is going to be cup and cone for me.

@eightzero

But hey, all the pros had to start somewhere, right? I mean, nobody who is rich just becomes a pro? She put in all her dues as a working girl first, right?

But she has crow's feet, which I learned from this discussion makes her real! Seen here in this photo where she is obviously foreclosing someone's house.
scaler911 says:

Oct 22 2013 at 6:55 pm

During the Monsoon we had a few weeks back, some 'cross racing happened and some gear got destroyed.

(photo by Matt Lasala)
RedRanger says:

Oct 22 2013 at 7:03 pm

after every ride on my mountain bike I contemplate putting it in the shower for a wash. never happens and the thing is filthy. I do clean the chain and cables though.
MDB says:

Oct 22 2013 at 8:54 pm

Me on the right and my friend Karl on the left. We had just completed the first stage of the Oklahoma MS150 - 85 miles on Saturday (9-21-13) and got dressed to impress and drink some well deserved beer. I finished the ride the next day (my longest weekend to date 150 miles) But I made certain to represent.I just started road cycling this year.
wiscot says:

Oct 23 2013 at 5:11 am

@MDB

Me on the right and my friend Karl on the left. We had just completed the first stage of the Oklahoma MS150 - 85 miles on Saturday (9-21-13) and got dressed to impress and drink some well deserved beer. I finished the ride the next day (my longest weekend to date 150 miles) But I made certain to represent.I just started road cycling this year.

Good for you! Keep up the good work and the strong sense of fashion.
wiscot says:

Oct 23 2013 at 5:12 am

@Barracuda

This is one of the greatest photos pasted up here in a long time. Merckx forbid your house ever burns down, but if it does, this pic is at the top of the rescue list.