Categories: Anatomy of a PhotoCyclocrossThe Hardmen

Anatomy of a Photo: The Shoulders of Giants

The question tackled here is of carrying the bicycle, should it require carrying. The non-cyclist is perhaps more inclined to consider carrying their bicycle than is the Cyclist. Examples that come to mind include the navigation of a giant mud pit or a steep twisty narrow snowy descent, where the uninitiated may erroneously contemplate the likelihood of survival between riding the bike as opposed to walking or carrying it. Other examples might be bunny-hopping a 1 meter vertical wall where a slight miscalculation may result in going from being Awesome to merely being OK.

But if one thing is certain, should matters come to carrying the bicycle, it is the shoulder that should be employed for this task, as time-tested by cyclocross riders for well over a century. No further research is required to resolve this matter. And, should the question of leather handles come up, I put it to you thusly: are you a giant hipster douche nozzle, or are you a hardman with Ultimate Rule #5 Leg and balls so big you could wear a sun visor with a gauze stocking cap?

Thanks to KRX10 for making me aware of this abomination of a leather handle.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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ddc says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:09 pm

@sgt I dig the massive forearm veins and bulging right quad.
sgt says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:17 pm

@unversio

That's a Bingo!
frank says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:32 pm
@eightzero

1. Cyclocross involves riding a bike over uncertain terrain; therefore

2. Crashes are expected when riding cyclocross; therefore

3. Cyclocross is dangerous; and therefore

4. I fear participation in cyclocross.

Cyclocross is, like galavanting around the Cosmos, a game for the young. Doesn't mean it isn't cool to watch, get piss drunk while observing, marvel at the skills etc etc. It just isn't for me.

Here a few tips about off-road riding:
1. Don't think about crashing
2. Don't think about crashing
3. You're going slower than on the road, so crashing isn't so bad. On any given MTB ride, I expect to crash a few times at least.
4. The ground is in almost every case softer than tarmac. In fact, the hardness of the ground is normally inversely proportional both to your likeliness to crash and your speed.
5. Don't think about crashing
If I was going to suggest something for you not to fuck around with, it would be space shuttles and shit like that, but we have different ideas of what a risk is.
frank says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:37 pm

@wiscot

Some interesting sartorial issues with the lead picture. Shorts look good, but after that . . . .

The cap looks a bit big in the brim.

The half sleeve jersey certainly predates Cav's awful effort in last year's WC road race..

The gloves seem a bit "wintery" for a race which is clearly being ridden by hardmen.

Other than that:

That's a single speed bike he's riding!

What's the gradient of that hill? 50%?

I am 95% sure he's not crashed and isn't climbing out of a gully. There are too many people spectating there; unless people were really cynical in 1902 or whatever year that is and lined the pits along the road in case some poor asshat crashed there.

CX actually dates back to the early days of bike racing. Roads sucked, bikes sucked, and people got really beat up sitting on their shitty saddles all day, during these crazy marathon bike races they would do from, say, Paris to Pau in a day. I don't think they actually did that, but you get my point. They were like 500km races. To break up the soreness of riding all day, race organizers would intersperse portages into the route where people would have to shoulder their bikes and run with it a little ways.

And holy fucking shit, that IS a single speed!
frank says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:43 pm

@Nate

@Duende

@Nate

It's only August 10. Summer is still in full swing. Why are we talking about cyclocross?

I don't know. On my ride yesterday, I saw the first leaves changing colour. And the temperature had dropped enough to bring about the first chills on some of the steeper descents. Not trying to be a downer here, just saying...

By the way, that photograph is great! I love the range of expressions on the faces of the spectators.

Maybe up there in Canuckia, but not here. Then again, thinking about the end of summer has always made sad.

Isn't Canuckia Summer from July 4 until July 6?

As a Seattleite, I love being able to rip on someone else's summer.

@unversio

@unversio

@itburns

@Duende

By the way, that photograph is great! I love the range of expressions on the faces of the spectators.

I really like the spectator on the far left. Everyone else seems to be concerned about the rider, he is obviously wondering where he can get a pair of those awesome cycling shoes.

He reminds me of the "Nat'zi" Third Reich character from Inglorious Bastards

Meaning my other far left. The guy cleaning his rifle or something.

I think that guy is setting an example for generations, and just getting hammered at a bike race. Bow down, fellas, that's an innovator, right there.
frank says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:44 pm

@frank damn dyslexia. I'm talking about the brilliant bloke on the far RIGHT.

This chap.
Nate says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:54 pm

@frank

@Nate

@Duende

@Nate

It's only August 10. Summer is still in full swing. Why are we talking about cyclocross?

I don't know. On my ride yesterday, I saw the first leaves changing colour. And the temperature had dropped enough to bring about the first chills on some of the steeper descents. Not trying to be a downer here, just saying...

By the way, that photograph is great! I love the range of expressions on the faces of the spectators.

Maybe up there in Canuckia, but not here. Then again, thinking about the end of summer has always made sad.

Isn't Canuckia Summer from July 4 until July 6?

As a Seattleite, I love being able to rip on someone else's summer.

I'll admit to feeling extra-possessive about this summer because we are actually having a Bay Area summer characterized by sun rather than bone-chilling fog.
Buck Rogers says:

Aug 10 2012 at 3:55 pm

@sgt

@Buck Rogers

"We ain't in the prisoner takin' business. We're in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin."

One of the best fuckin' movies out there. Man, Quentin nailed that film. "You know how you git to Carnegie Hall? Practice."
Buck Rogers says:

Aug 10 2012 at 4:01 pm

@Nate

@Duende

@Nate

It's only August 10. Summer is still in full swing. Why are we talking about cyclocross?

I don't know. On my ride yesterday, I saw the first leaves changing colour. And the temperature had dropped enough to bring about the first chills on some of the steeper descents. Not trying to be a downer here, just saying...

By the way, that photograph is great! I love the range of expressions on the faces of the spectators.

Maybe up there in Canuckia, but not here. Then again, thinking about the end of summer has always made sad.

Ah shit, Nate. Now you have me waxing all poetical. Your post reminded me of my favorite fall poem.

Spring and Fall, to a Young Child

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

-- Gerard Manley Hopkins
Steampunk says:

Aug 10 2012 at 4:12 pm

@frank

Isn't Canuckia Summer from July 4 until July 6?

As a Seattleite, I love being able to rip on someone else's summer.

You know I'm further south than you, right? Good luck with the rain on Seattle's forecast. It should peter out sometime around mid-June...