Rules! Hear me fools: The Rules mark the beginning of the path to enlightenment, not the end. There are higher planes, expanding dimensions. Beyond the color of your bar tape exists a man, a mountain, and a bike. This is where the world begins.
Keeper Jim wrote this, reporting on his utilitarian climb of Mount Ventoux. He posts less than the rest of us, so he has less chances to sound foolish, so we consider him the wise one. He is. And he probably took a semester of philosophy as an undergraduate and reads real non-cycling books.
Jim’s words have been ringing in my ears. For better or for worse, Velominati is known for The Rules. A book publisher didn’t offer us a book contract on the collective wit of our far ranging, foul mouthed, unmoderated discussions of posts, no, it was The Rules, thanks. What started as an effort to whip a bit of discipline into the unruly hoards, is now heading toward 100 Rules. That’s a lot of Rules.
Thankfully, to alleviate some of the pressure for full compliance, some genius introduced the masturbation principle: if you are going to do it (breaking a Rule) no need to go online with the information and really, don’t send a selfie to your riding buddies either. These photos certainly don’t need to end up in your parents AOL account.
My late night stoned philosophical discussions earned me zero college credits. I know nothing about philosophy but in the great Velominati tradition, that shall not deter me from lecturing others about it.
Enlightenment, if you are open to it, can be found on the bike. It’s not found online, not even on Velominati. The word enlightenment has 1001 personal definitions. I believe if you can put your enlightenment into words, you are not enlightened. A word is a clumsy cudgel for such things. It is like real music, it’s power is so abstract, so deeply visceral, attempts to describe music in words only detract.
Get on a bike and ride, without ear-buds, without worry. Immerse in the physical work of climbing, descending, cornering, rolling across the landscape. Somehow, as Jim says, there can enlightenment there. Free your mind. One’s eyes can take in the beauty on this earth, breathe the air, smell it, hear it. Feel the sun, hear the insects, already, too many words. Climb Ventoux or ride your usual loop. For me, if that does not put me on the path to enlightenment, I don’t want it. Rebirth, heaven, hell, I can’t use them; they do not exist for me. A bike ride that gets me out of my skin, where my oxygenated brain takes in the world unfiltered, and leaves me changed, if only for a few moments, that I can use.
If The Rules get you on a bike more, then The Rules are useful. It’s all about the Ride, not The Rules.
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@Gianni
There's a clip I was looking for but couldn't find, where Quark has a dream where he's talking to the Ferengi that created the Rules of Acquisition, in which he's told that the rules are more like guidelines rather than immutable laws, and to not take them so bloody seriously. Apropos here, I think.
@wiscot
Malcom is very good at it.
I saw Slash's Snakepit open up for AC/DC several years back. That year they only played a handful of their own songs and focussed on lots of GnR covers (WHICH WAS AWESOME).
My impression after they left the stage was that the lead singer was selected purely on his ability to swear more in one measure than Axl Rose.
My band in college used to play this song (Mr. Brownstone), by the way, and it was one of the hardest covers to get right. For massive drug addicts, they could string a lot of different parts together in completely unpredictable ways. And they could swing like nobody's business. Not to mention that the main riff only sounds right when you have the two guitars playing it the way Izzy and Slash played them. If you play it alone, it sounds like you're trying to wank a grasshopper.
@ChrissyOne
This would also work. Except the thing we seem to be missing here is that you should FUCKING OBEY THE RULES.
@frank
Still working on that. I've been off the mountain bike long enough that my knuckles hardly drag on the ground at all any more, so I'll be losing that helmet visor any minute now...
@Gianni
I too have this problem !
and in the very enlightened words of Ricky Bobby " THAT just happened !"
@frank
would this site exist without this mantra?
This piece has really helped me get my head around a few things. As a relatively new Cyclist, and an even newer follower of the way of the Velominati, I have been pondering many of the rules that don't make sense to me. To help me in this quest, I have occasionally posted on this site, searching for guidance. And I have (even more occasionally) found it.
True story: I asked a question about Rule 58 recently. How can I both follow this rule AND get the new gruppo I want when it is only affordable (for me, at least) online? The following advice came (I've forgotten from whom, but I will look it up in a minute): ask your LBS if they can at least try to match the online price. I did, and they did, and now I am both a better Cyclist and a better person, too. And my relationship with my LBS has taken a big step forward, too. Thank you, Rule 58.
But here is another true story: I asked a question about Rule 60. My valves are rattling against the rim - what am I to do? Someone directed me to a Reverence piece extolling the virtues of electrical insulation tape as an antidote. I reflected on this at length and eventually concluded that this is just dumb. Why use something (electrical tape) to do a job imperfectly when something else (a washer nut) has been designed expressly for this purpose? The premise of Rule 60 - that the washer nut is a useless piece of kit - is flawed. I choose to disregard this Rule, and flagrantly so. Anyone can see my washer nuts in place, keeping my valves nice and tight against my rims. If anyone asks, I will tell them that Rule 60 sucks (or half-sucks, at least - valve caps really ARE stupid).
Stupid or not, the Rule has however served its purpose. It has made me think about the kind of Cyclist I want to be. And it turns out that the answer is one whose concentration on a tough hill is not disturbed by (a) the sound of an unsecured valve tinkling against the edge of the rim or (b) who resorts to winding skanky bits of electrical tape around my valves, waiting for them to unravel, gather dust and other crud, and generally detract from the beauty of my bike, and the clarity of my mind.
So I think Gianni is on to something here - something revolutionary, in fact. There is a fundamental spiritual schism between Rule 1 and Rule 6, which points to two different routes to enlightenment. There are those who choose to strictly follow all the rules all the time, and those who see them as a means - an important, but not inviolable, means - towards the ultimate end of Cycling nirvana.
Great article...only just got round to reading it but riding is not always enlightened. I was a case in point yesterday....out for a ride at 0800hrs after a freezing night. Black iced roads...two "offs", a bent gear hanger and a tidy bruise and minor road rash (thank fuck you slide really easily on ice!).
Don't get me wrong, I arrived home full of the joys of rules #9 and #5 and there is no moaning or complaining from me or my pedalwan (he did gingerly ask if he should call his VMH for a pick up after my second crash, one look set him straight)...the point being this ride was not Enlightened, it was actually a ridiculous and we all know what that feels like...
@afroturk - you really need to apply the masturbation principle to your rule violations. The Principle of Silence and Rule #65 must be adhered to. You tried to apply the rule and in doing so found you were contravening another. Glad your pursuit of Rule #58 worked for you though and it really goes to show how applying the rules does help us and our LBS.
VLVV
@gianni...one of your best. Do we sometimes miss the forest by staring at the trees? [I'm only on my second espresso of the morning, so bear with me] If the rules were end to themselves, then I would ride for the sake of the rules - and not for the sake of the ride. The rules seem to me to be a bridge that connects me to the soul of cycling. I mostly ride and train solo due to my work schedule, but the rules connect me in spirit to other cyclists. How is it that we can fly across the country [or the world for that matter], meet up with fellow cyclists over a pre-ride espresso, and hit the road in tune with each other? The only explanation is the rules. On the other hand, when I see flagrant ignorance or disregard for the rules it's entirely bloody likely that these people are unsafe on the road. I'd rather ride into the wind alone than share a paceline with them.
In my estimation the spirit of the hardmen of the Peloton is what makes cycling great. Compliance to the rules is how we enter into that spirit. I can train my arse off, but one thing I know: if my kit and tan lines are sharp, my bike turned-out like the Goddess she is, and my jersey pockets full...it's the difference between a good day and a great day. I'd even venture to speculate that I climb better. I shit ye not.