Confessions of a Keeper: Descension

Forgive my off-season indiscretions Father.

The only thing worse than being two months from peaking and too fat to climb is being two months past peaking and in the middle of the season of rapid weight gain. At least with the former there is something to look forward to as you measure the incremental gains of your training as the almost daily rides of the season accumulate on your Strava profile. The latter can seem like a long dark tunnel that leads only to fat and slow. For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, on the tundra and ice-covered roads, with only 8 1/2 hours of daylight, a proper road ride and last season’s gains can seem like a distant dream. The juxtaposition of climbing well for your weight and expanding into a larger jersey size before your very own eyes is a cross the Velominatus must sometimes have to bear.

2012 was perhaps the best season I’ve ever had on a bike. It actually began on the trainer on New Year’s Day as I started training for the Keepers Tour. After returning from the trip of a lifetime riding the cobbles of Norther France and Belgium I was able to hold momentum at the start of the season at home. Next up was the Almanzo 100 in May, a very hard gravel race in which I was happy with my result. Then, the guys began gathering for our Tuesday group rides. On the whole, the group really got after it this year and we pushed each other to some great levels of fitness. Coupled with my almost daily solo rides, I was seeing progress early and often. Then the season was punctuated in September by a 15th placing in the Heck of the North, another gravel race. I had timed my peaks pretty well for an amateur and as my Strava numbers got bigger La Volupte and I had become closer acquaintances.

Then November happened. I hold about as much appreciation for November as I do for March in this part of the world. That is to say none. November and March are the shoulder seasons and the only time of year when running actually seems like a plausible way to stay fit. In November the Rule #11 chickens start coming home to roost, the roads can turn to shit and aren’t safe to ride, and graveling becomes an exercise in survival as half the month is slotted for deer hunting. Mates that haven’t been seen all summer start to wander into town again for Happy Hour beers at the local micro-brew. Food becomes laden with butter, chocolate, and carbs. This November was exacerbated by the fact that I went down for two solid weeks with a viral infection. I was so fucking sick I shit the bed one night. For Merckx’s Sake it took a lot of the V to recover from that one. Now I know how Thor must have felt about this year’s Spring Classics campaign. The only difference being my spring was better than his and my fall was his spring.

So let me have it. Tell me to Rule #5. Tell me to get out and ride my bike, set up the trainer, stop whinging. I probably deserve it after all this. I’m banking on the fact though that there are others like me out there. Others who have witnessed their own precipitous descension from peak form to shit in the matter of weeks. It really is incredible, the difference in how long it takes to build that form and how quickly it disappears. So please, grant me this one confession. Share your own despair if you like but then let’s move on. Let’s share in the fleeting catharsis that being a little bitch can offer and then begin the long, painful, and awesome slog back to the V together again.

 

Marko

Marko lives and rides in the upper midwest of the States, Minnesota specifically. "Cycling territory" and "the midwest" don't usually end up in the same sentence unless the conversation turns to the roots of LeMond, Hampsten, Heiden and Ochowitz. While the pavé and bergs of Flanders are his preferred places to ride, you can usually find him harvesting gravel along forest and farm roads. He owes a lot to Cycling and his greatest contribution to cycling may forever be coining the term Rainbow Turd.

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  • Cold, dark, and a soul crushing work schedule have done me in this fall.  Last year I was getting significant KM's in until December, and this year, any training there has been has all been on the trainer.  I've managed to keep the weight down, and my top-end speed is still okay, but my endurance is for shit.  I'm hooping a new set of rollers for X-Mas will set me arights and get my interest piqued for the rest of the winter.

  • @Jay 

    Agreed.  But for me there is one positive oddity that the seasonal change provides.  At the peak of daylight saving time, in the evenings after work I have light late enough for 2 hour rides max.  During winter, my weekday indoor trainer sessions aren't limited to daylight so I'll often workout longer.  Good thing the telly remote works from the trainer, but I still hafta dismount occasionally to refill the hydration vessel.  My sprinter's muscle is developing nicely.

  • From November to the end of February I have always struggled to maintain - changing it up this year and thrown some swimming in while my kids take their lessons..I fucking detest laps but it has been the difference maker...that and a good dose of Sufferfest Video's while on the trainer.

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    @Beers

    If you're putting on, it's because of something we are doing to ourselves.

    No way.

    So, you're saying that when I look at that fourth IPA and the last few ounces of single malt in the very bottom of the bottle and I cross myself and say "Vade retro, Satana!" I'm really just pissing in the wind?

    Fuck.

    Word.

    And speaking of scotch, it was hard to keep the cork in this baby while I was photographing the soon-to-be-for-sale V-Cog Handlebar Cufflinks.

    Sharks patrol these waters.

  • @Marcus

    @Marko

    As for you Marko, you will be displeased to know that my ride started at 5am this morning in short sleeves. Needed sunglasses by 6.

    Yep that's me too. It was a balmy 22 degrees (C) at 530am when I got on the bike to ride to my ex-dance instructor taught Pilates class. I was exhausted by 730, but boy did I have a smile on my face....

    However even with all of that, I am struggling to shake the last 3-4 kgs... and Christmas Parties aren't helping. I "own that" but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

  • I could use a shot of that Scotch right about now. Victim of the Great White North. I hate the trainer. My commutes are now in darkness. Out of 4 bikes, 2 of them have flats. Soon 35 min walk each way to work instead of a brisk ride.

    Whine, whine, whine.

    My big goal is to weigh 15 lbs less this New Years Day than last. Accentuate the positive. Lost 20 ils this year. I'm gaining slightly, but still 4 lbs under my max. Studded tires going on the mtn bike this weekend. Stay away from the cupcakes. 2012 was a good year on the bike. 2013 will be better.

  • @G'rilla

    @Blah

    Two and a half month after my son was born right now. He actually slept through the night for the first time last night.

    Lucky! Four and a half years here, still looking forward to that.

    This, @ 7 years...

  • @gaswepass

    @G'rilla

    @Blah

    Two and a half month after my son was born right now. He actually slept through the night for the first time last night.

    Lucky! Four and a half years here, still looking forward to that.

    This, @ 7 years...

    Oh dear.  I have other challenges with the kiddos but the sleep thing fortunately has gone pretty well.  Presumably you all have chortled over copies of Go The Fuck to Sleep.

  • @frank

    By the way, riding at about 0C in the rain is about the coldest kind of riding you can do.

    It was a freakishly unseasonable 24C here last night, and the last hour of my ride was in the dark, in a monsoonish downpour. A front came through today, and this evening it was a clear 3C. Problem was shoes and gloves were still wet from last night. Been home for four hours and have taken a hot shower, but fingers and toes are still stinging.

    This is all penance for a 20-day slide caused by work, year-end crap and holiday onslaught. When I pulled the bibs on last Friday, I looked down and saw what can only be accurately described as a "fupa," and realized that I deserved to be punished severely. Fortunately, the gimp mask is keeping my face warm, although it's a bit tough to breath with the mouth zipper closed...

  • The best way through winter is to enter an event in spring! Nothing like 185km with 2300m of screaming descent, yes you have to ride up first, to keep you motivated in winter. The magic number is under six hours which requires 31kmh average, they run it seven weeks into spring so it's either perfect or wild.

    We are only 42 degrees south, but still nothing between us and Antartica! So the winters not too bad...

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