Confessions of a Keeper: Descension
The only thing worse than being two months from peaking and too fat to climb is being two months past peaking and in the middle of the season of rapid weight gain. At least with the former there is something to look forward to as you measure the incremental gains of your training as the almost daily rides of the season accumulate on your Strava profile. The latter can seem like a long dark tunnel that leads only to fat and slow. For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, on the tundra and ice-covered roads, with only 8 1/2 hours of daylight, a proper road ride and last season’s gains can seem like a distant dream. The juxtaposition of climbing well for your weight and expanding into a larger jersey size before your very own eyes is a cross the Velominatus must sometimes have to bear.
2012 was perhaps the best season I’ve ever had on a bike. It actually began on the trainer on New Year’s Day as I started training for the Keepers Tour. After returning from the trip of a lifetime riding the cobbles of Norther France and Belgium I was able to hold momentum at the start of the season at home. Next up was the Almanzo 100 in May, a very hard gravel race in which I was happy with my result. Then, the guys began gathering for our Tuesday group rides. On the whole, the group really got after it this year and we pushed each other to some great levels of fitness. Coupled with my almost daily solo rides, I was seeing progress early and often. Then the season was punctuated in September by a 15th placing in the Heck of the North, another gravel race. I had timed my peaks pretty well for an amateur and as my Strava numbers got bigger La Volupte and I had become closer acquaintances.
Then November happened. I hold about as much appreciation for November as I do for March in this part of the world. That is to say none. November and March are the shoulder seasons and the only time of year when running actually seems like a plausible way to stay fit. In November the Rule #11 chickens start coming home to roost, the roads can turn to shit and aren’t safe to ride, and graveling becomes an exercise in survival as half the month is slotted for deer hunting. Mates that haven’t been seen all summer start to wander into town again for Happy Hour beers at the local micro-brew. Food becomes laden with butter, chocolate, and carbs. This November was exacerbated by the fact that I went down for two solid weeks with a viral infection. I was so fucking sick I shit the bed one night. For Merckx’s Sake it took a lot of the V to recover from that one. Now I know how Thor must have felt about this year’s Spring Classics campaign. The only difference being my spring was better than his and my fall was his spring.
So let me have it. Tell me to Rule #5. Tell me to get out and ride my bike, set up the trainer, stop whinging. I probably deserve it after all this. I’m banking on the fact though that there are others like me out there. Others who have witnessed their own precipitous descension from peak form to shit in the matter of weeks. It really is incredible, the difference in how long it takes to build that form and how quickly it disappears. So please, grant me this one confession. Share your own despair if you like but then let’s move on. Let’s share in the fleeting catharsis that being a little bitch can offer and then begin the long, painful, and awesome slog back to the V together again.
That
iswas one of the best post photos ever.You can’t keep that form all year long Marko. Your skinny ass needs to recover, get fatter, then build towards April again. The flu is the baby jesus’s way of telling you to “simma’ down”
Time for a 29eit with fat tires maybe.
That’s right. Let it out, and then move on.
Personally, I’m getting on the mtb and pasting a mud-spattered smile on my face, hoping that if I just keep doing that it’ll start to feel authentic. Pascal wrote, “Bless yourself with holy water, have Masses said, and so on; by a simple and natural process this will make you believe…” But when–not if–I eat shit on that damn thing, if injury keeps me off the road bike, I’m going to soak it in gasoline and toss it a fucking match.
Don’t even talk to me about it, Mate! I was ordered off the bike by my doc weeks ago and haven’t turned a pedal in anger or otherwise in 26 straight days. The longest time without at least hitting the training or rollers in YEARS. Painful! Yeah, I have even been running for Lord’s sake. Truly pitiful the depths that I have sunk to.
Okay, commiseration over. Time to HTFU, eh?
Soooooouuuh, Last year was a year of all top 5 finishes, a state championship, an upgrade, and hiring a coach to get me through the winter and early season. Said upgrade or coaching or a combination of both resulted in DNFs, going of the back at a race that I’ve won before and have finished no worse than fifth at. The only highlight of the season was one strange day when the planets aligned and Merckx had pity on me and let me borrow his legs for a couple of hours as I put a serious hurt on the unsuspecting (and incredulous) blokes trying to hold my wheel as I got my first (and surely only) Strava KOM on a local unrated climb. That bright spot aside this season has disintegrated into pity-party Blue Room bacon cheese burgers, beer, and about 30 extra pounds.
I keep telling myself that I was just having a “Gilbert Season” (sans the Rainbow Stripes) and that things will come around next season. If I can just hold out until Jan. 1 and stay under 86 kilos I’ll be happy. Then it’s on the trainer and a goal of 74 kilos.
Saturday I got on the bike for the first time in a while and did 90 minutes in the bitter wind and celebrated with a nice oatmeal stout.
Wish me luck.
@ Marko It sounds to me as if your brain is in the wrong place and all that good butter, Moose lard and beer has sent you on a downer.
Let me put it another way…from reading your post.
1. You had the best season ever and you started January. It sounds to me like you peaked exactly when you intended to and without a downside you can never have a peak to look back on
2. You have some time between now and March where you can ease off a bit and enjoy riding a bit less, ok so a little weight will be gained but you need to understand that shit is “good weight” the kind you will lose next year as you work towards peaking, otherwise there is not such thing as peaking and we are all doomed. If you are following Big Migs special winter diet a weight gain of say…..er… 3-5 kilos is nothing, enjoy it March will be here soon enough. Your alternative is to go to teneriffe and join the Team Sky training camp or spend the winter riding round Girona with the other weight gaining pros.
Oh…last point….4. See point one! rinse and repeat.
Winter is good time….bit of MTB or Cyclos cross or show some love to your turbo, but take it easy…
Great article…and just to make you feel better, this is the first winter where I am losing weight! Although I think I am starting from a position somewhere well above (weight) or below (ability) your current level!
Shit that priest in the photo looks like my brother…..it would not surprise me either!!!
The liquid diet is easiest to shed. Furthermore, the fastest way to lose weight is by first putting it on. Then, and in accordance with Rule #9, Love the Work.
I’ve had a pretty shit year myself (cycling-wise) after being quite pleased with my progress last season. A late season CX crash left me with a bruised sternum and some back problems that kept me off the bike all winter. Any progress I tried to make this Spring was hampered by home improvement projects necessitated by a pregnant VMH and the impending arrival of our first child. Summer was then a bust riding wise as the new addition to our family kept me from riding outdoors, training indoors or sleeping. In my defense I really did attempt to get some road rides in this fall (as CX was out of the question since Sunday was inverse Rule #11 day) even suggesting to the VMH that our daughter was small enough to fit in a Camelbak worn Grimpeur the Elder style, but was quickly overruled. Yesterday’s Rule #9 ride (my first ride of any length in well over two months) showed just how far I’ve fallen. I look at the paltry 1,600kms I’ve ridden this year and my waistline and it leaves me quite dejected, but I suppose such is the nature of Breeding and Blimping. Its too cold now, but I swear I’m going to revisit that Camelbak idea come Spring…
I commiserate, now get out the xc skis, cue up the sufferfest after carefully aligning the bike with the trainer, and remember to enjoy the winter ales. Have some fun this winter and do some work. Dont finish the winter hating the bike even more than ur newly big belly because you kept pushing yourself without a break. Ur body will remember what you did to it on the cobbles and grave; give it a chance to cement that knowledge on a more permanent basis.
This past year was my breakout performance season, sorta. I too fear the belly growth at its astonishing capability to return to substantive girth. But a 9-10 saddle hour week is not soon to be repeated. And i’m ok. I hope.
As George S. Patton didn’t say, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, because I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley.”
@Deakus
@2YellowShoes
+1 Deakus, my other strategy right now is pursuant to our recent whisky discussion. I found that Bowmore is about the same price, here, as the Speysides I had mentioned. I’d never had it so I gave it a try–no Laphroaig or Lagavulin, clearly, but not bad for half the price, and at least a hint of peat.
So far, only kg or so gained…
Strava? STRAVA?
@PeakInTwoYears
5kgs lost since end of October here! It needs to carry on, but I fear the touch of the Anti-V. I have 4 days of Christmas partys and staying away coming up next week and I already failed tonight by saying to the family “Fuck it, I am away this week let’s have Pizza for dinner”….Merckx protect me, I am a sinner and salvation is beyond me!!
Hey, who changed the picture? Too many Catholic complaints???
” Let’s share in the fleeting catharsis that being a little bitch can offer and then begin the long, painful, and awesome slog back to The Vtogether again.”
@Marko, I am with you my friend. I fell from grace in October. I joined with a friend two weeks ago and developed a training plan. He is killing it and I am filling it (my mouth). I came home for lunch today bummed out about my weight and my progress ( surely a meal of two hot dogs and some fudge will help….), I decided to check in here, to find some inspiration. There this article was…..perfect. I’m putting down the fudge, the simple carbs, and the gravy bowl. I’m going to pick up my training plan and flog myself back into form (relative to me) The above quote is the rallying cry I needed. I’m marking this day as a fresh start.
@Buck Rogers
I did a Rule #9 commute last week that seemed to be the final ride of the season. Last nights 10 cm snowfall confirmed it.
This was my second year on a road bike and the first that included off season training which helped both physically and mentally. I’ve ridden more kms and in worse conditions than seemed possible. My weight is the lowest in 20 years. Next years goals will require that I continue to train indoors and be mindful of the beer consumption. The later may be a bit of a problem considering the 2 five gallon batches of home brew currently in the fermentors.
Good luck to all in the northern latitudes.
@Deakus
Nicely done!
It took me several months to lose that much weight earlier this year. Then sorta hit a plateau…got stronger but didn’t lose much more weight.
I know the feeling. For the first half of the year, I was focused on getting ready for two big rides with 3,050+ meters of climbing: the Garrett Country Gran Fondo (aka the Savage Century) and the Velominati’s 200 on 100. Then spent the rest of the summer enjoying the good form and wrapped things up with another couple big centuries in September. Oh, and @Buck Roger’s Cogal in October.
Those early season days seem so long ago now. Can’t be bothered to suit up to ride the handful of roads from my door step (living on a small island does get very boring roadwise) and can’t be bothered to make the effort to drive to more exciting terrain.
Hopefully the funk will clear up come January as I have packed event scheduled for the start of next year…
Marko + the rest of ya – Talk about a timely article! Today was meant to the end of the line of my own personal Descension * the first day on the path back to fitness. Hmm, it’s now 14:00 and it’s not looking good though.
November evaporated with house searching, then buying, then moving. I also suffered what I think I’d say is the worst injury of my entire sporting career, which is saying a lot. Got my ankle smashed by a big, slow dude on a very late challenge at soccer way back in early October. It still doesn’t feel right, maybe 85%. Been riding far, far less than I have the previous few years, feel fat as a pig, bending down to tie my shoes makes me feel horrible, and yup, I think I’ve had something to do involving drinking around four nights a week for a month or two. And next week might be the busiest of the year – Monday = 6 month marriage anniversary (six months on from Merckx’s birthday), Tuesday is soccer + heading out after with the lads, Wednesday going to see a band, Thursday and into Friday…roommates birthday/End of the World party. Damnit.
All I can say is that I’m glad I’m not the only one. And, one major factor in my lack of riding is my focus on getting out of graduate school, which has been slowed by being in awesome form for a few years. Thus, I guess I’ll suffer through the new few weeks, feeling fat, lazy, and slow. Should be able to grind out some major work, then be all ready to get back into serious training in late January and be back on form for the Spring Classics.
Thank you for making me feel a bit of camaraderie & not like the only slob on the block. And damn, I gotta get into form for the CX championships or else any of the Followers I meet are going to think there’s a fat dude convention in Louisville along with the cyclocross racing.
Suggest you change your tampon and get back on the bike.
That goes for all of you.
Buck – 26 days?! Wow, okay, I feel better. I commute daily so ride at least 40 minutes a day no matter what. Hope you heal up soon!
Cyclops – best of luck with your weight goal & for finding a bit of form in your last few weeks in the Rainbow!
Velovita – pregnancy & first child. Yikes, makes home ownership & six months of marriage seem easy. Good luck! Are you still planning on going to Louisville or is that a major TBD with the little one on the way?
I feel ya, Marko. My first season back on the bike after along while off it. Started riding (again) in August 2011, had a realtively mild winter, so I was out in January of ’12 (in Chicago, no less!) I was on a path to fitness I hadn’t seen since my years in the service, and things were looking good. Pulled off my 1st Century on the Holy Day (June 17th, a birth date I humbly share with The Prophet) after working a midnight shift and only getting an hour nap, and 3 hours sleep the night before. Nothing was stopping me. My regular rides were metrics and I was breathing down the local racer’s necks on Strava, posting some great numbers all through August.
Then Septemeber came, while out on the bike I got a frantic phone call from my wife. My father-in-law was rushed to the hospital- cardiac arrest, quit breathing, seizures, the whole nine. This was on his birthday-Sept. 6th. For 2+ months my days consisted of working 12 hour days,7 days a week, for 1.5 months straight (then 6 day-8’s), going to the hospital to visit, eating fast food, getting little sleep, and then back at it all again, untill he passed away in mid-November. All my training- shot in the ass. Gained 10 pounds from eating/sleeping poorly, not riding, and being stressed out and strung out emotionally. Weather went from perfect to absolute shit, and I had only got on the bike once during a luckily timed day off and great weather. And I rode like a old woman with a gas-pipe frame and spring seat. My ass hurt. I had no wind. My legs were screaming. And to top it off, it was an embarassiing 12.4k back-in-the-saddle warmup ride. Nothing heavy. Just clear the mind and go out and ride. Suprisingly, in spite of my disappointment and complete lack of performance, it was healing. I invested in a trainer for pennance. I have been flagellating my fat body mercilessly now and praying intently for another mild winter. And a Wilier Cento1 with Campagnolo Chorus 11 for Christmas, as well.
@PeakInTwoYears
I feel that’s where I am. I lost a bit from the general anaesthetic then went in to carb abstinence/atkins frenzy during the serious downtime…now things have plateau’d but I am in full Crimbo consumption mode, doing an hour a day on the turbo and still losing about a pound a week….perfect!
I worked hard early on this year, the Keepers Tour was a big target for the end of my first year of road cycling and I was pretty happy with the condition I got myself into for it.
There were a few gaps in the program through summer but by July, I was getting a good bit of weekday riding and regular 135 km Sunday club runs. I was feeling strong, my body was getting very used to the bike and the spacers were coming out from under the stem. I hadn’t lost much weight, 3 – 4 kg tops but the was certainly some redistribution going on and I hadn’t felt so fit or svelte since I was about 16.
I didn’t manage to ride as much as I hoped on holiday in France but the rides that I did were quality. The highlight was a solo raid into the Pyrenees, going over the Hautacam and Tourmalet. I may not have been the fastest to have done it but it was an epic day out for me.
Comming back from France it seems like either Mrs Chris or I have been out of the country working at any given time and I struggled to get back into it properly until a couple of weeks ago when I realized that I couldn’t keep putting it off and got back out with my sensei and started to hit the rollers. It felt shit; riding two up on a 25 mile TT course (with some evil little berg like hills) into cold headwinds, it felt like every time I caught his wheel he’d push the pace again but I was loving it.
Now, though, my sinuses are fucked, my head skull hurts and any ground I had made is going out the window quickly. It’s amazing how easy it is to stay off the booze and naughty food when it’s all going well.
@Carpy Shit, thanks, why didn’t I think of that. Time to toughen up, as I tell the kids.
@Buck Rogers Running? That sucks. Hope your back on the bike soon.
@Deakus
That’s not on the banned list is it?
This article & the stories are also great because they:
a) remind me I’m not the only one strugglin’ to find time/health to ride & rediscover some form
b) puts my “hardships” in perspective, when some of you have some really serious issues of family health problems, crazy work hours, VMH pregnancy, etc. Suddenly my life ain’t so tough.
c) reminds me that even those of us whole really love cycling & consider it a major part of our lives do have low times when the passion seems to waver. Highs & lows I suppose.
I’ll keep on searching for my old form so long as the rest of ya do the same!! Good luck.
There’s no off-season, there’s only “season”… well, that’s what I tell myself. But I spent three years commuting with weekend rides only in fair weather and put on a few kilos. I’ve only been back at it since June and I can’t let myself quit. So, I’m the guy who’s counting calories in the bar (“I can have… two drinks!”) and sweating it out with dark intervals either on the trainer or outside every morning. It all stemmed from a very slow time up a local mountain climb and feeling, for the first time, like I needed to have a nice lie down… when did this happen? When did I get so fat?
Because I’ve still got 5 more kilos to go. Because I still feel too fat to climb. Because I never want to feel as shitty as I did. And you know what, it feels good to roll back home at 8:15, passing schlubby commuters in hi-vis yellow after clobbering your ass in the dark and cold. Hubris and all that rot.
Do what I’ve done for 15 yrs – start riding an 80’s steel bike set up w/a 39×15 as an (e-gad) fixie. Toss your fenders and lights on it, I promise you’ll stay warm spinning a little gear around on the flats and downhills and you work power on the ‘ups’. It’s also a ‘quick’workout, the adage about riding a small fixed gear is almost ‘doubling your saddle time’. It keeps me warm, burns calories, keeps my ‘real’ bike free from crud and you can’t help but feel like DA MAN puting the damn damn to folks on their carbon dream machines. I use my LEAD SLED 80% of my yearly training and it’s been a great training tool.
I’m trying not to break any rules ‘making an 1986 SL Giordana into a road fixie not withsatnding’ .
CHEERS!
@ez
Good lad. “like I need to have a nice lie down” yeah, that’s never a good sign yet I have that senstation on a regular basis when climbing. And counting calories in the bar…where have you been? That’s beautiful.
@Carpy
Carpy, that goes for you too. Where have you been hiding? Keep it up.
In the last 24 hours winter has arrived for good I believe. This, of course, means the second most important season of the year has begun, skiing. This marks the end of the shoulder season and the rebirth of hurt. While my skiing goals are far less important to me than my cycling ones, still absolutely love doing it. A good 20k on nordic skis always has as much V to offer up as any 60 on the bike. There’s a reason there has been such a tradition of crossover between nordic skiing and cycling. It just makes sense. So no, fuck the fat tire bike, I’m waxing up the skinny skis now that there’s snow on the ground.
I hope you’re all feeling a little Catharsis, I am. I wanted to get this out of the way early this year so we can get on with it. Thanks all.
@Carpy
Boring Troll is Boring.
@Marko: Feel your pain man. I’ve been doing some high quality couch surfing with a side of top notch seasonal brews for a couple months. Team ride Saturday saw me riding fine until 2hrs in, then completely came unglued on the last climb of the day. It’s a stout one to be sure, but having mates that specialize in things other than climbing ride away from me like that just plain sucked. Especially since I’m a stick that goes uphill well mostly.
All the motivation I needed though……….
@scaler911
And predictable. I did as much in the last paragraph. Makes me wonder if he read that far.
@Marko
Trying to squeeze in a few more rides before the snow sets in and got ambushed by some ice today while crossing a wooden bridge. No worries though, my enormous glute muscles broke my fall. I think its going to be back to the trainer for me for a while.
Is this thing on?
Good god I’ve managed to log in remotely using my Android tablet – an omen?
@Chris
Funny how everyone is quick to blame the gas rather than the fact that some other human being invaded their insides, perhaps even with a robot…. Jeesh!
Anyway – after destroying my helmet and pride on the ice yesterday I read in the news today that the Duke’s Pass of Cogal fame was so icy that not only did a car get stuck on it and not only couldn’t anyone stand up – the RAF helecopter they sent to complete the rescue had to winch everyone on board after it had landed as no one could stand up to get up the ramp at the back. Now that’s slippy.
@Marko
I wonder why people go to all the trouble to create an account for just one post. Com’on back @carpy. I’m in a mood, and I’ll bet you’d be fun to have around here. Much like the guy from Saturday’s ride that pulled up next to us while it was 3C and raining, (and after all the climbing was done) rolled his passenger window down and introduced himself by yelling “HEY ASSHOLE…” at me.
@the Engine
That really, really sucks. A fucking helicopter rescue ffs… the furthest you are from a TOWN on that road is like maybe 7km. Some folk ought to sort themselves out. When I was a kid in Ontario and your car got stuck in the winter, well you walked home and dug it out in the spring. No wonder you Brit fuckers lost the Empire.
@strathlubnaig Boy, too bad for them you weren’t there to sort it for them.
@Marko Not sure if you mean stop them from losing The Empire or walk these folks back to the road, but Yeah, Damn Right to either.
@strathlubnaig Okay then.
scaler – That guy sounds like a real charmer! A few weeks back went to a party with a pal, waited outside for my friend to assess the situation. Some dude comes to the fence and calls out, “Hey, are you a fireman or just a hipster?”
Wow, I wanted to get a little face time with that guy. When I’m biking around on weekends & most drivers are drunk I wear a workman’s hi viz jacket with reflective stripes. I figure some folks might think more, “Oh, he digs holes for a living,” than “let’s throw a bottle at that pussy cyclist.” And I’m very visible.
I was hoping this dude would leave the party so I could give him a quick tutorial on unnecessarily fucking with strangers. It’s so strange to me that anyone who is a) actually a pussy b) fat c) lazy and out of shape would ever think it’s a good idea to fuck with someone who is in great shape (this Descension period aside!) AND all warmed up and ready to throw down.
It’s amazing to me how many folks in this world would have grown up & turned out so much fucking better if just once they’d been punched in the face, backhanded, or plain beat up. Anyone who doesn’t have an older brother should have asked a friend to punch them in the face sometime between the of 12-16 so the could have gotten being a punkish dickhead out of their system.
@Ron
Ron?
On the original post though, I hear ya. After a tremendous (for me) summer and fall with a shed load o’ km put it in I was feeling pleased with my progress, then a sudden bout of WORK reared its ugly head and I find myself sliding backwards, fast. One week off in five, the offshore gym bike and treadmill may slow the decline a little, but Xmas beckons and all that goes with it. I is disheartening but we all know we can claw our way back, regaining our form is just something to look forward to.
@strathlubnaig
I’ll be posting a “Harden the Fuck Up” wrist band out to them as soon as I find out who it was. Sheer embarrassment would stop me asking for rescue on a road with houses all along it unless my leg was off – and even then. Time for another Rule #5 Talk.