Confessions of a Keeper: Descension
The only thing worse than being two months from peaking and too fat to climb is being two months past peaking and in the middle of the season of rapid weight gain. At least with the former there is something to look forward to as you measure the incremental gains of your training as the almost daily rides of the season accumulate on your Strava profile. The latter can seem like a long dark tunnel that leads only to fat and slow. For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, on the tundra and ice-covered roads, with only 8 1/2 hours of daylight, a proper road ride and last season’s gains can seem like a distant dream. The juxtaposition of climbing well for your weight and expanding into a larger jersey size before your very own eyes is a cross the Velominatus must sometimes have to bear.
2012 was perhaps the best season I’ve ever had on a bike. It actually began on the trainer on New Year’s Day as I started training for the Keepers Tour. After returning from the trip of a lifetime riding the cobbles of Norther France and Belgium I was able to hold momentum at the start of the season at home. Next up was the Almanzo 100 in May, a very hard gravel race in which I was happy with my result. Then, the guys began gathering for our Tuesday group rides. On the whole, the group really got after it this year and we pushed each other to some great levels of fitness. Coupled with my almost daily solo rides, I was seeing progress early and often. Then the season was punctuated in September by a 15th placing in the Heck of the North, another gravel race. I had timed my peaks pretty well for an amateur and as my Strava numbers got bigger La Volupte and I had become closer acquaintances.
Then November happened. I hold about as much appreciation for November as I do for March in this part of the world. That is to say none. November and March are the shoulder seasons and the only time of year when running actually seems like a plausible way to stay fit. In November the Rule #11 chickens start coming home to roost, the roads can turn to shit and aren’t safe to ride, and graveling becomes an exercise in survival as half the month is slotted for deer hunting. Mates that haven’t been seen all summer start to wander into town again for Happy Hour beers at the local micro-brew. Food becomes laden with butter, chocolate, and carbs. This November was exacerbated by the fact that I went down for two solid weeks with a viral infection. I was so fucking sick I shit the bed one night. For Merckx’s Sake it took a lot of the V to recover from that one. Now I know how Thor must have felt about this year’s Spring Classics campaign. The only difference being my spring was better than his and my fall was his spring.
So let me have it. Tell me to Rule #5. Tell me to get out and ride my bike, set up the trainer, stop whinging. I probably deserve it after all this. I’m banking on the fact though that there are others like me out there. Others who have witnessed their own precipitous descension from peak form to shit in the matter of weeks. It really is incredible, the difference in how long it takes to build that form and how quickly it disappears. So please, grant me this one confession. Share your own despair if you like but then let’s move on. Let’s share in the fleeting catharsis that being a little bitch can offer and then begin the long, painful, and awesome slog back to the V together again.
@strathlubnaig
And self evidently if the Scots had anything to do with it you’d all be spelling properly and learning about Queen Victoria at school.
Marko, what? Did I break character? Or, are ya sayin’ that I’d be breaking my own advice about not fucking with strangers?
@Ron
I just never realized you were OG is all.
@Carpy
@Carpy
Hangs head in shame.
I’ve never understood the propensity for us cyclists to espouse the hardmen, and in the next breath whinge about what we eat, losing weight etc. I reckon, own that shit. If you’re putting on, it’s because of something we are doing to ourselves.
We all are getting it off our chests, and I get that in a Cleo letters-to-the-editor kinda way, but you know what? The heavier we are when we start back, the more Gravity Assisted Resistance Training we’ll be putting ourselves through towing our lard asses up hill…
@Beers
Pur solid fucking gold right there. You sir, just got added to the Lexicon.
Form goes away quick. I started racing in the US during March of this year, placing in the the top ten in races by the time I was ready to move to Japan this summer. In the month of packing, vacationing to our families, and traveling to Japan, I didn’t realize how much my weekly mileage dropped. Given than the Army would restrict us on the number of checked bags to take aboard our plane, we had a decision to make, albeit easy. My wife and I brought I bikes with us under the plane. On day two of being in Japan and severely jet lagged, I was wide awake at 430 am. I didn’t help that the September sun was already coming up. I donned my kit and headed out for an easy ride. 45 minutes later, I came home gassed. Between the lack of mileage, jet-lag, and moving from flat southeastern VA to foothills of a mountain range in Japan, I was not up to a simple little jaunt such as this. Steadily though, I increased my mileage, fitness…mostly Hardened the Fuck Up, and discovered that I’m actually a decent climber. I’ve been on the local Cat 2, 3, and 4 climbs in our mountains and have been passing others, who I’m sure are climbing well for their weight, whilst remaining casually deliberate. Say what you want about cross-training and/or time off the bike during the Winter. The only way to maintain a magnificent stroke is to pedal a bike.
@Ron
Getting punched up regularly doesnt ensure complete removal of punkish dickhead tendencies. I have 5 older brothers.
But I think you might need to see someone about that anger Ron. The dark side is strong in you.
@Marko
As for you Marko, you will be displeased to know that my ride started at 5am this morning in short sleeves. Needed sunglasses by 6.
Gotcha, Marko. I am not, in fact. I just thought it was totally out-of-line to harass some dude waiting for his friend outside of a party, minding my own business. He was just being a wiseguy & I was going to call him out on it.
To me it was kind of like a punk yelling at you on the ice or field from the bench. It’s easy to be a funny dude from there, but if you are going to be a comedian you’re probably going to have to own up for it on the next shift; I don’t think this guy had learned this lesson yet. It was a teachable moment!
@Ron
Funny, the guy was thinking about stopping (I think) after my retort, and as I was reaching for the bidon (was gonna unscrew the lid and chuck a whole bottle of Cytomax in like a grenade. But off he went.
Two and a half month after my son was born right now. He actually slept through the night for the first time last night.
Time to look at losing that five kilo I’ve put on with the no riding regime. Yee har.
Yeah. This. Except, when the motivation is there, we will find a Way.
New job, no more mid-day rides. Haleakala in Vajanuary and KT2013 coming up hot after that. Peaking is in the rear-view mirror by a long ways.
So now I commute to work in the rain, in the dark, or in both. Usually in the cold. (By the way, riding at about 0C in the rain is about the coldest kind of riding you can do. Colder than that and its snow which stays dryish and warmer than that and it doesn’t suck as much.)
I ride with a big, heavy backpack and it is still the best part of my day, except I wish I could get home in less than 1.5 hours because being home kicks more ass than not being home.
On the plus side, I’m staying kind of in shape and when I ride on the weekends, I feel like I’m 1/3 the weight I am during the week.
Interval training is tricky with a pack and a long commute, however, and interval training is awesome for your fitness. Must work it in. I do, on the other hand, have two 3-5 km climbs in one direction (home) and a 2km climb on the way home. Good for Haleakala prep.
@Marcus I hate you.
@Beers
No way.
So, you’re saying that when I look at that fourth IPA and the last few ounces of single malt in the very bottom of the bottle and I cross myself and say “Vade retro, Satana!” I’m really just pissing in the wind?
Fuck.
In Adelaide we have the season when you need Gilet, arm warmers and long gloves, and the season when you don’t. Road races are run 12 months of the year. The down side is there is no excuse for being Too fat to Climb!
Really though I honestly don’t know how you guys in snow climates do it. I’d move.
@Blah
Lucky! Four and a half years here, still looking forward to that.
Rule #5 thinking can be employed till “the cows come home”. Other things have conspired against the ‘Cuda like neck injuries, second child and the ol’ prostate issues.
With a bit of luck, some more Rule #5 chanting and alot of sweat, then the increase in belt notches should hopefully be put on hold. My Ay-Ups, and interval training sessions on the road are my only hope, as im sure with others, my stationary trainer bores me shitless.
I like to “smell the roses” when riding and not pound away going no where.
Ahhh, for a consistent week whereby all the planets align and the V is high in the sky.
@PeakInTwoYears Rest in the knowledge that although they did not force your hand, the redman and the whiteman both wholeheartedly approve…
oh merckx burn my beer and cake filled jelliness with thine masterful pain, agony, and suffering
I managed to ride yesterday in the -9C in order to pick up my truck which was left behind the night before after a pitcher or 4 too many. I hurt, but it is a good hurt.
Here is another perspective. Here in Eastern PA there are no daylight hours that remain after a normal work day at this time of year (as is true for anyone living in the northern USA). Weekends are the only time available for any serious riding and that’s dependent upon lack of other commitments. So indoor trainers, running, gym memberships, etc. are the only way to maintain some form of fitness. So the overall outlook is bleak, much like the season. However, we should all keep in mind that the stronger we ended the season, that quickly we recover what we lost come Spring. Incremental improvements: The key is to keep ending strongly…
Cold, dark, and a soul crushing work schedule have done me in this fall. Last year I was getting significant KM’s in until December, and this year, any training there has been has all been on the trainer. I’ve managed to keep the weight down, and my top-end speed is still okay, but my endurance is for shit. I’m hooping a new set of rollers for X-Mas will set me arights and get my interest piqued for the rest of the winter.
@Jay
Agreed. But for me there is one positive oddity that the seasonal change provides. At the peak of daylight saving time, in the evenings after work I have light late enough for 2 hour rides max. During winter, my weekday indoor trainer sessions aren’t limited to daylight so I’ll often workout longer. Good thing the telly remote works from the trainer, but I still hafta dismount occasionally to refill the hydration vessel. My sprinter’s muscle is developing nicely.
From November to the end of February I have always struggled to maintain – changing it up this year and thrown some swimming in while my kids take their lessons..I fucking detest laps but it has been the difference maker…that and a good dose of Sufferfest Video’s while on the trainer.
@PeakInTwoYears
Word.
And speaking of scotch, it was hard to keep the cork in this baby while I was photographing the soon-to-be-for-sale V-Cog Handlebar Cufflinks.
Sharks patrol these waters.
@Marcus
Yep that’s me too. It was a balmy 22 degrees (C) at 530am when I got on the bike to ride to my ex-dance instructor taught Pilates class. I was exhausted by 730, but boy did I have a smile on my face….
However even with all of that, I am struggling to shake the last 3-4 kgs… and Christmas Parties aren’t helping. I “own that” but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I could use a shot of that Scotch right about now. Victim of the Great White North. I hate the trainer. My commutes are now in darkness. Out of 4 bikes, 2 of them have flats. Soon 35 min walk each way to work instead of a brisk ride.
Whine, whine, whine.
My big goal is to weigh 15 lbs less this New Years Day than last. Accentuate the positive. Lost 20 ils this year. I’m gaining slightly, but still 4 lbs under my max. Studded tires going on the mtn bike this weekend. Stay away from the cupcakes. 2012 was a good year on the bike. 2013 will be better.
@G’rilla
This, @ 7 years…
@gaswepass
Oh dear. I have other challenges with the kiddos but the sleep thing fortunately has gone pretty well. Presumably you all have chortled over copies of Go The Fuck to Sleep.
@frank
It was a freakishly unseasonable 24C here last night, and the last hour of my ride was in the dark, in a monsoonish downpour. A front came through today, and this evening it was a clear 3C. Problem was shoes and gloves were still wet from last night. Been home for four hours and have taken a hot shower, but fingers and toes are still stinging.
This is all penance for a 20-day slide caused by work, year-end crap and holiday onslaught. When I pulled the bibs on last Friday, I looked down and saw what can only be accurately described as a “fupa,” and realized that I deserved to be punished severely. Fortunately, the gimp mask is keeping my face warm, although it’s a bit tough to breath with the mouth zipper closed…
The best way through winter is to enter an event in spring! Nothing like 185km with 2300m of screaming descent, yes you have to ride up first, to keep you motivated in winter. The magic number is under six hours which requires 31kmh average, they run it seven weeks into spring so it’s either perfect or wild.
We are only 42 degrees south, but still nothing between us and Antartica! So the winters not too bad…
@frank Liking the cufflinks …..
@frank Merckx, Frank. 21-year-old Balvenie. Owned a bottle of that very elixir-of-life myself. Now that is something quite special.
@Nate
yup. and a vmh that just rolls w/ dat. I don’t handle unpredicted sleep deprivation well. VMH is much tougher at handling the torture of child rearing based chronic sleep disruption. At some point I will have to learn to sleep with one eye open out of a sense of self-preservation, but so far so good…
@frank
+1 Forecast is -2 but dry! Dry in Belgium in the winter! The heavens have parted!
I’m trying to keep next season in mind…..
http://sport.be.msn.com/cyclingtour/2012/fr/
For all you guys who have trouble beyond the usual levels of getting your kids to sleep – try melatonin. U can get it over the counter in the states – we need a prescription over here. I use it on my little bloke every night. It allows you to ride your bike and your VMH more than you would without it…
It is completely safe. Orange juice is more dangerous
Although when they’re about 11yo+ the problem reverses and they won’t get up…
@ RedRanger
My sensei Sis( from Tucson), taking your advice (not in Tucson)
oy vey,
@G’rilla
@gaswepass
Oh shit, I got it easy. Been a while since the first kiddie. She’s 3 1/2 and slept well straight away, too. Friends had kids who didn’t, so the VMH and I learned early to STFU about how good she was. Time to learn that again.
@the Engine
Really hard right now to see how that will cause to be a problem.
@Blah
At 08.15 on a school morning when you have two out of three of them pulling duvets over their heads believe me the Rule #5 talk comes easily
@Marcus
Or Propofol (Michaels Milk as we refer to it in Anesthesia). That’ll keep ’em sleeping, (I kid, I kid. Lighten up people………)
WHEN DOES THE FUCKING BIKE RACING START!!???!!! We’re reduced to talking about how much our kids do/ don’t sleep? That’s the biggest problem with the off season here at VM. We’re all bored.
@xyxax
Rad!
@piwakawaka
Which is precisely why I’m sending in my entry post card for this today: http://www.ragnarok105.blogspot.com/
@scaler911
It’s the online equivalent of being stuck on a turbo isn’t it.
@the Engine
Yep, I get it – being facetious.
I teach, and miss 3.5 will go to my school next August. Classes start at 8am so 8.15 will screw me right over.
@scaler911
Yup – bike-wise, bored off my fucking tits.
@Marko
I think we’ve all been there. Descension. I had a good winter and hit spring in pretty good shape – lighter and fitter than many around me. But there was always temptation…and I have many weaknesses…
When I hit a plateau and lapsed in my discipline I found motivation through a self imposed Rule #33 penalty. 33 days without shaving. An act of self flagellation based on the premise that if I couldn’t maintain fighting weight I didn’t deserve to Look Fantastic. Every day the spider like growth served as a reminder that sacrifices needed to be made. On day 33 I had weighed in lighter than I’d been for 10 years and I shaved without feeling like a fraud. Worked for me.
Now in early summer I’ve been reaping the rewards of a solid off season and Loving the Work.
@scaler911
@ChrisO
You know it’s bad when blokes start posting pics of themselves on the rollers in their underwear.
@harminator Okay, this is turning into some kind of V-eer support group now. I can relate to the Rule #33 lapse and negative self talking justification for the reforestation. Not only do I think I don’t deserve it but I tell myself leg hair keeps me warmer for skiing, I’m not riding to it doesn’t matter, the fuzz will hide my atrophied pins. I’m going to jump in the shower right now and shave brother.
@Blah
Careful there. Scaler might not know exactly what tits are.