Guest Article: Proposed New Rule #96, the Marcellus Rule

Roof racks Rule. photo-Honda

This note arrived to the Velominati Bunker back in April. It was a confession. It was a cautionary one. Everyone knows someone who has done this. I nearly did it myself*. I replied to Alex, not sympathetically enough yet his message has stayed with me. Is this worthy of a New Rule?

Yours in Cycling, Gianni

Dear illustrious members ,

I wondered if the members had a Rule for irregular removal of bikes from roof, off vehicle? I feel the need to explain a little incident that occurred after picking up my two Specialized bikes from storage after having moved house.

Both bikes were sitting comfortably on the Thule roof rack and we were making good headway back to my new residence in Bourne end. I had both my boys in the car and was a little distracted with a conversation with my eldest. Mentioned in the conversation was the issue of lunch. So it made sense to pull into Waitrose to get a bite to eat. Err need I go on? We entered into Waitrose at a good speed.

There was a horrendous noise that I cannot describe and still haunts me, followed by the sound of breaking glass as both bikes and roof rack hit the ground after briefly entering the boot through the rear window.

Some of you will remember an incident, many years ago, to a chap called Marcellus. I remember thinking I would never be stupid enough to drive my car through a barrier with a bike on top of my roof. Well I have exceeded this by wrecking my bike and my girlfriend’s bike. oops

Training is on hold for the moment.

Proposed Rule #96 -Twatting your bike.

Driver and also owner of bikes on roof of car, removes bikes from roof of car by driving through a barrier. Owner of bike shall be referred to as a twat until bike has been replaced, or repaired. Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated. This confirms the need for Rule #12: the number of bikes owned should be N +1. You can at least be sure of a spare available.

Waitrose are suing me for damaging their barrier

Bastards

*Two identical Alan CX bikes on the roof of my car as I delivered a racer to the airport after he won the cyclocross nationals many years ago. Luckily the handlebars lightly hit a warning sign as I ripped into the departure drop off. Had that gone badly, I would have had to find another sport.

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View Comments

Ron says:

May 30 2014 at 8:21 am

Okay, this is a very relevant one for me. The only wedding gift I receive that I even remotely wanted was a Thule XTR fold-down rear rack. I'm not that tall. I don't drive much at all, but it is nice to take the bikes when we go on trips to the in-laws, gives me something to do. I thought this new rack would be great. It folds down, almost like the racks on the front of city busses. And, it would make life much easier than a roof-top rack.

BUT...the thing fucking sucks. $500 and it's a piece of garbage. Hard to use, the original arms were broken, the bolts all rust, AND AND the thing is so fucking heavy, makes moving it off the car really damn hard. It's their top of the line model. I'm carrying two 15 pound bikes. Why does the rack need to weight 50 pounds?

I called Thule to tell them how I felt and all I got was, "I didn't design it." Oh, great customer service.

Anyway, I have been wanting to bad-mouth the company and their insanely expensive top-model rack for awhile. Here is my chance!

Stay away from this rack/model...and in all honesty, company. For $500 give me rust-proof hardware.
V-olcano says:

May 30 2014 at 8:55 am

Unrelated because I have no story to share (I drive a hatchback and the bikes fit inside standing up - proper protection, that is):

What is going on here with having to log in before being able to read posts/comments? It's not quite maddening, but adding a step each time I visit seems silly.
Simon Taylor says:

May 30 2014 at 8:57 am

It's a good call. I made the same mistake in the Lake District. Going to park in rear car park of Hotel and drove under the side archway to access it. Probably going only 25kph at the time, but the front wheel of the bike was ripped out of the roof rack and the bike driven into the roof causing a dent the size of Cav's backside. Fortunately the bike was ok, although the car roof was pretty fucked ! Respect to the manufacturers of Audi's roofrack systems as it served me well for a further 8years !
Buck Rogers says:

May 30 2014 at 9:09 am

@scaler911

I did however have my entire roof rack stolen, with a DuraAce equipped, Zipp 440 wheeled Litespeed Ultimate U-locked to the Yakima. Probably should have remembered to lock the rack..........

Are you SERIOUS??!? Good Lord, that is awful! Was anything ever recovered?
Nate says:

May 30 2014 at 9:20 am

I tend to agree with others that this is good advice but does not rise to the level of a new Rule. Ride from home and you won't have this problem.
Geraint says:

May 30 2014 at 9:39 am

'Twat' is quite a versatile word. It can be used as a term of endearment where I come from, as in 'alright, you twat?'

I also have a mate for whom the mutual greeting is 'alright, you cunt?'

Maybe it's a Welsh thing, I don't know.

As for the whole roof rack concept, complete anathema. I haven't put my bike on a roof rack since my old man used to drive me to time trials in the family Vauxhall Viva. He wouldn't have me oiling up the back seat of his POS with my Campag Record 55T and chain. Which was in fact cleaner than the interior of his car. And worth considerably more.

These days, I have a suitably large estate car. We needed that because I finally acquiesced to the VMH's continued requests for us to get a reasonably large dog. No ulterior motives there on my part, oh no. The dog helps guard the bikes as well: win-win.

I also have a Thule towbar rack, but haven't brought myself to use it yet as I really don't want to risk hanging my beloved machine outside, where some twat can drive into it. Let's face it, if a velominatus can twat his own machine into a height restriction, then some random twat who doesn't care about bikes can twat my machine while it sits on a rack. The car has crumple zones, the bikes go in the safety cell.

Maybe you need a roof rack when you're a DS, have to carry half a dozen bikes and a couple of soigneurs, and need to get the bikes off the rack in a hurry. Otherwise, rule them out, and that's before you've done a Marcellus.
freddy says:

May 30 2014 at 10:10 am

@fignons barber

As far as I'm concerned, a roof rack is nothing more than a EPMS for your car. Your beloved machine should be transported the way the euro pros, from pro tour to hardened Belgian kermesse racers, do it: stuffed in a padded bag and placed in the trunk of your car. Roof racks should only be deployed on official team cars, in races, with team sponsorship graphics, manned by professional mechanics and/or other team minions. The bike is the tool of the trade, and should not be subjected to unnecessary catastrophic risk, atmospheric elements,excessive buggage, or combination of the three. Remember: nothing good can happen when your bike is placed on a roof rack. And don't get me started on the ones that hang off the back of a car.......

@Nate

I tend to agree with others that this is good advice but does not rise to the level of a new Rule. Ride from home and you won't have this problem.

How about Rule 96: Your bike should only be on a roof rack on a car with your sponsor's name plastered all over it, during a race that you are riding n+1, where n is the bike on the roof.

Seriously though, I don't think this proposed rule adds to cycling culture and the general advancement of the the V.
Nate says:

May 30 2014 at 10:35 am

@freddy

@fignons barber

As far as I'm concerned, a roof rack is nothing more than a EPMS for your car. Your beloved machine should be transported the way the euro pros, from pro tour to hardened Belgian kermesse racers, do it: stuffed in a padded bag and placed in the trunk of your car. Roof racks should only be deployed on official team cars, in races, with team sponsorship graphics, manned by professional mechanics and/or other team minions. The bike is the tool of the trade, and should not be subjected to unnecessary catastrophic risk, atmospheric elements,excessive buggage, or combination of the three. Remember: nothing good can happen when your bike is placed on a roof rack. And don't get me started on the ones that hang off the back of a car.......

@Nate

I tend to agree with others that this is good advice but does not rise to the level of a new Rule. Ride from home and you won't have this problem.

How about Rule #96: Your bike should only be on a roof rack on a car with your sponsor's name plastered all over it, during a race that you are riding n+1, where n is the bike on the roof.

Seriously though, I don't think this proposed rule adds to cycling culture and the general advancement of the The V.

I have given this more thought. I would argue that it's not Rule-worthy because transporting your bike by car has little to do with riding the machine, maintaining it, or making it look fantastic. For us mere mortals, it is merely a necessary evil, an expedient to use when the ride does not start from the front door.
Jamie says:

May 30 2014 at 10:57 am

I DO NOT GET THE DRIVE INTO THINGS WITH BIKES ON TOP OF THE CAR!

When I have the bike(s) on the car it's because I am on the way to or from a cycling event and that's what's on my mind.

The VMH is another issue altogether. Last summer she drove into a parking garage with the tandem on top (I know, I know, "the tandem," but really, don't knock it until you've tried it). The result was a shattered CatEye, a scuff on my beloved Brooks Swallow saddle (bad enough to piss me off every time I see it, but not so bad as to replace), and four serious dents in the roof of the car. Davidson builds a strong frame for sure.
chris m says:

May 30 2014 at 11:20 am

Raccident (pronounced "Rack-sid-ent")