This note arrived to the Velominati Bunker back in April. It was a confession. It was a cautionary one. Everyone knows someone who has done this. I nearly did it myself*. I replied to Alex, not sympathetically enough yet his message has stayed with me. Is this worthy of a New Rule?
Yours in Cycling, Gianni
Dear illustrious members ,
I wondered if the members had a Rule for irregular removal of bikes from roof, off vehicle? I feel the need to explain a little incident that occurred after picking up my two Specialized bikes from storage after having moved house.
Both bikes were sitting comfortably on the Thule roof rack and we were making good headway back to my new residence in Bourne end. I had both my boys in the car and was a little distracted with a conversation with my eldest. Mentioned in the conversation was the issue of lunch. So it made sense to pull into Waitrose to get a bite to eat. Err need I go on? We entered into Waitrose at a good speed.
There was a horrendous noise that I cannot describe and still haunts me, followed by the sound of breaking glass as both bikes and roof rack hit the ground after briefly entering the boot through the rear window.
Some of you will remember an incident, many years ago, to a chap called Marcellus. I remember thinking I would never be stupid enough to drive my car through a barrier with a bike on top of my roof. Well I have exceeded this by wrecking my bike and my girlfriend’s bike. oops
Training is on hold for the moment.
Proposed Rule #96 -Twatting your bike.
Driver and also owner of bikes on roof of car, removes bikes from roof of car by driving through a barrier. Owner of bike shall be referred to as a twat until bike has been replaced, or repaired. Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated. This confirms the need for Rule #12: the number of bikes owned should be N +1. You can at least be sure of a spare available.
Waitrose are suing me for damaging their barrier
Bastards
*Two identical Alan CX bikes on the roof of my car as I delivered a racer to the airport after he won the cyclocross nationals many years ago. Luckily the handlebars lightly hit a warning sign as I ripped into the departure drop off. Had that gone badly, I would have had to find another sport.
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"Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated."
Came close on our car port. You know how you get that thought (VMW having picked me up from a cycling end point being the whole purpose of the trip) approaching the car port:-
<Thinks> - She'll remember the bike is on the roof.
<Thinks> - Errr I'm not so sure at this speed, has she forgotten......
<Screams> THE BIKE!!!!
Car stands on bonnet inches from car port. Phew.
I recently changed vehicles, to one more friendly to bike racing, and install the roof rack system. I tend to stare through the sun roof more than the road ahead, but managed to forget it was up there long enough to enter the drive through.
As fate would have it, I was spared the few centimeters needed to avoid ripping the steed from my roof. This now terrifies me... Never though I would be such a twat as to forget it was up there!
This rule should be expanded upon to incorporate owning the appropriate vehicle for transporting of ones bikes. 5 door cars.
Heard it (the crunch) seen the shock, the realization then the embarrassment of Twatting yours + your mates bike. Yuk - not nice.
A colleague has recently purchased a rook rack being Rule #25 compliant. I did ask him are you sure you want to do that?
Great Rule proposal!
Ooof! Sorry for your loss.
This is why I have a Thule rear rack on my ten-year-old piece of shit CR-V because I would NEVER trust myself to keep clearance in mind with a roof rack.
A poignant memory back in the day when race finish lines were little more than a home made banner stretched across Main Street USA. One of the larger more organized, better budget teams (read, they all showed up in the same large church group type van) who had team issue bikes finished the race loaded up and drove off under the banner. The resulting swipe of eight bikes swan diving to the Tarmac with all the great sound effects was a crowd pleaser.
But these stories are not "about the bike", meaning riding and looking good and I'm not sure that we want to "celebrate" them with a Rule? I mean we all have had close calls or disasters in the same situation.
If there is going to be a Rule it should be about fast food, cheap car ports, I mean if the lunch spot had been a pub... and if one followed Rule #25 to its logical conclusion then one would be driving the fabulous car into a bespoke garage with automatic doors tall enough for a lorrie. If those things do not fit into ones life style then a sign taped on the sun visor with the word BIKES should suffice?
I don't know. I think "twat" is a bit soft, neutral and British. (British may be redundant in that sentence...)
Further, the situation you describe reminds me of the discussion surrounding the periodic headline: "Lion Tamer Mauled By Lions" which argues that a person mauled by lions can no longer be referred to as a Lion Tamer and must therefore be described as Man With Chair and Whip.
Can a person be a cyclist if they negligently destroy bicycles? Can a person who commits such an atrocity against a bicycle be a Velominatus? Are The Rules relevant for a person without a functioning bike?
I suggest that such a person should be referred to as "The Pedestrian".
Fuck Yes! But only on the condition that it stays "Twatting". Fucking awesome term!
@Harminator
Not quite so soft and neutral in the UK. It's kinda 'f*cker' sort of level here.
Lesser than the c-bomb but then I've always had the impression some on the other side of the pond are a bit more sensitive about that than some of us Brits (ie Wiggo). It's even a term of endearment in North Wales.
Anyway, in the spirit of the rule:
What a daft tw*t. I think I'd have cried.
Also is this the ultimate breaking of Rule #25? Because if you weren't breaking it before you certainly were after you'd picked up the pieces...