Guest Article: Proposed New Rule #96, the Marcellus Rule
This note arrived to the Velominati Bunker back in April. It was a confession. It was a cautionary one. Everyone knows someone who has done this. I nearly did it myself*. I replied to Alex, not sympathetically enough yet his message has stayed with me. Is this worthy of a New Rule?
Yours in Cycling, Gianni
Dear illustrious members ,
I wondered if the members had a Rule for irregular removal of bikes from roof, off vehicle? I feel the need to explain a little incident that occurred after picking up my two Specialized bikes from storage after having moved house.
Both bikes were sitting comfortably on the Thule roof rack and we were making good headway back to my new residence in Bourne end. I had both my boys in the car and was a little distracted with a conversation with my eldest. Mentioned in the conversation was the issue of lunch. So it made sense to pull into Waitrose to get a bite to eat. Err need I go on? We entered into Waitrose at a good speed.
There was a horrendous noise that I cannot describe and still haunts me, followed by the sound of breaking glass as both bikes and roof rack hit the ground after briefly entering the boot through the rear window.
Some of you will remember an incident, many years ago, to a chap called Marcellus. I remember thinking I would never be stupid enough to drive my car through a barrier with a bike on top of my roof. Well I have exceeded this by wrecking my bike and my girlfriend’s bike. oops
Training is on hold for the moment.
Proposed Rule #96 -Twatting your bike.
Driver and also owner of bikes on roof of car, removes bikes from roof of car by driving through a barrier. Owner of bike shall be referred to as a twat until bike has been replaced, or repaired. Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated. This confirms the need for Rule #12: the number of bikes owned should be N +1. You can at least be sure of a spare available.
Waitrose are suing me for damaging their barrier
Bastards
*Two identical Alan CX bikes on the roof of my car as I delivered a racer to the airport after he won the cyclocross nationals many years ago. Luckily the handlebars lightly hit a warning sign as I ripped into the departure drop off. Had that gone badly, I would have had to find another sport.
“Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated.”
Came close on our car port. You know how you get that thought (VMW having picked me up from a cycling end point being the whole purpose of the trip) approaching the car port:-
<Thinks> – She’ll remember the bike is on the roof.
<Thinks> – Errr I’m not so sure at this speed, has she forgotten……
<Screams> THE BIKE!!!!
Car stands on bonnet inches from car port. Phew.
I recently changed vehicles, to one more friendly to bike racing, and install the roof rack system. I tend to stare through the sun roof more than the road ahead, but managed to forget it was up there long enough to enter the drive through.
As fate would have it, I was spared the few centimeters needed to avoid ripping the steed from my roof. This now terrifies me… Never though I would be such a twat as to forget it was up there!
This rule should be expanded upon to incorporate owning the appropriate vehicle for transporting of ones bikes. 5 door cars.
Heard it (the crunch) seen the shock, the realization then the embarrassment of Twatting yours + your mates bike. Yuk – not nice.
A colleague has recently purchased a rook rack being Rule #25 compliant. I did ask him are you sure you want to do that?
Great Rule proposal!
Ooof! Sorry for your loss.
This is why I have a Thule rear rack on my ten-year-old piece of shit CR-V because I would NEVER trust myself to keep clearance in mind with a roof rack.
A poignant memory back in the day when race finish lines were little more than a home made banner stretched across Main Street USA. One of the larger more organized, better budget teams (read, they all showed up in the same large church group type van) who had team issue bikes finished the race loaded up and drove off under the banner. The resulting swipe of eight bikes swan diving to the Tarmac with all the great sound effects was a crowd pleaser.
But these stories are not “about the bike”, meaning riding and looking good and I’m not sure that we want to “celebrate” them with a Rule? I mean we all have had close calls or disasters in the same situation.
If there is going to be a Rule it should be about fast food, cheap car ports, I mean if the lunch spot had been a pub… and if one followed Rule #25 to its logical conclusion then one would be driving the fabulous car into a bespoke garage with automatic doors tall enough for a lorrie. If those things do not fit into ones life style then a sign taped on the sun visor with the word BIKES should suffice?
I don’t know. I think “twat” is a bit soft, neutral and British. (British may be redundant in that sentence…)
Further, the situation you describe reminds me of the discussion surrounding the periodic headline: “Lion Tamer Mauled By Lions” which argues that a person mauled by lions can no longer be referred to as a Lion Tamer and must therefore be described as Man With Chair and Whip.
Can a person be a cyclist if they negligently destroy bicycles? Can a person who commits such an atrocity against a bicycle be a Velominatus? Are The Rules relevant for a person without a functioning bike?
I suggest that such a person should be referred to as “The Pedestrian”.
Fuck Yes! But only on the condition that it stays “Twatting”. Fucking awesome term!
@Harminator
Not quite so soft and neutral in the UK. It’s kinda ‘f*cker’ sort of level here.
Lesser than the c-bomb but then I’ve always had the impression some on the other side of the pond are a bit more sensitive about that than some of us Brits (ie Wiggo). It’s even a term of endearment in North Wales.
Anyway, in the spirit of the rule:
What a daft tw*t. I think I’d have cried.
Also is this the ultimate breaking of Rule #25? Because if you weren’t breaking it before you certainly were after you’d picked up the pieces…
Not a good Rule as it is always forgotten, again and again. It’s an awful Mistake.
Proposed Rule #96 should be that it is forbidden to place your bike on a roof rack. I recently had to send my kids back home from holiday by train as it was not possible to transport both their luggage and my bike in the boot. The bike naturally won as is total common sense. A rack should only be used when the N+1 rule dictates such that there is no more room in the car other than for bikes and the driver.
As far as I’m concerned, a roof rack is nothing more than a EPMS for your car. Your beloved machine should be transported the way the euro pros, from pro tour to hardened Belgian kermesse racers, do it: stuffed in a padded bag and placed in the trunk of your car. Roof racks should only be deployed on official team cars, in races, with team sponsorship graphics, manned by professional mechanics and/or other team minions. The bike is the tool of the trade, and should not be subjected to unnecessary catastrophic risk, atmospheric elements,excessive buggage, or combination of the three. Remember: nothing good can happen when your bike is placed on a roof rack. And don’t get me started on the ones that hang off the back of a car…….
Stealing and paraphrasing, there’s two kinds of folks that use roof racks: 1) Them that have driven into a barrier with the bikes on the rack, and 2) Them that WILL drive into a barrier with the bikes on the rack. I believe this is an iron rule, and knowing my own mind well enough I know this would happen to me. Hitch mount, it’s the much safer way for me!
@Grant Goodman Yes, since bikes are considered children they should not be placed on the roof. Although I do it all the time.
@bkclyde
Now I understand… because you can’t see your bike, you don’t know where it is at that moment. All you need to do is keep one thought — “the bike… the bike… the bike…” That’s three thoughts.
Wouldn’t Rule #65 cover this sort of thing adequately? Perhaps with addendum, mainly to enshrine the term ‘twatting’.
Mini vans are so uncool aren’t they ? But are they really? When we replaced the missus’ ride after 10 years and 135k miles I kept it. With rear seat removed I can easily toss a couple muddy mtn bikes and gear in the back. For a recent 24 hour event my buddy and I chucked our bikes in back and our gear plus with a luggage carrier on the roof rack we had everything we could want. Mini vans and bikes are actually perfect together. I’m a big fan. Plus, my grey mini van is virtually invisible to anyone sitting on side of road that might be interested in knowing my speed on the highway. Road bike ? Easy enough to remove the wheels and seat post and chuck it in trunk of my sedan, if I don’t wanna drive the minivan.
fignons barber called a rack simply an EPMS for car…that cracks me up. 10-4 to that. cheers
Fook, I live in fear of doing this and so hide my garage door opener in my car to keep myself from just that. I’ve gone so far as to measure the height of my roof rack mounted bike on the off chance of going under a barrier.
My buddy has a different system: he attaches a sign to his garage that reads “Stop dumbass, your bike’s up there.” His may be superior to mine.
Good Rule.
While I’ve not had the pleasure of ripping my bikes off the roof of the car, I have many friends who have. Sucks for them, mild comedy for me. (isn’t comedy just laughing at other peoples tragedy?)
I did however have my entire roof rack stolen, with a DuraAce equipped, Zipp 440 wheeled Litespeed Ultimate U-locked to the Yakima. Probably should have remembered to lock the rack……….
Okay, this is a very relevant one for me. The only wedding gift I receive that I even remotely wanted was a Thule XTR fold-down rear rack. I’m not that tall. I don’t drive much at all, but it is nice to take the bikes when we go on trips to the in-laws, gives me something to do. I thought this new rack would be great. It folds down, almost like the racks on the front of city busses. And, it would make life much easier than a roof-top rack.
BUT…the thing fucking sucks. $500 and it’s a piece of garbage. Hard to use, the original arms were broken, the bolts all rust, AND AND the thing is so fucking heavy, makes moving it off the car really damn hard. It’s their top of the line model. I’m carrying two 15 pound bikes. Why does the rack need to weight 50 pounds?
I called Thule to tell them how I felt and all I got was, “I didn’t design it.” Oh, great customer service.
Anyway, I have been wanting to bad-mouth the company and their insanely expensive top-model rack for awhile. Here is my chance!
Stay away from this rack/model…and in all honesty, company. For $500 give me rust-proof hardware.
Unrelated because I have no story to share (I drive a hatchback and the bikes fit inside standing up – proper protection, that is):
What is going on here with having to log in before being able to read posts/comments? It’s not quite maddening, but adding a step each time I visit seems silly.
It’s a good call. I made the same mistake in the Lake District. Going to park in rear car park of Hotel and drove under the side archway to access it. Probably going only 25kph at the time, but the front wheel of the bike was ripped out of the roof rack and the bike driven into the roof causing a dent the size of Cav’s backside. Fortunately the bike was ok, although the car roof was pretty fucked ! Respect to the manufacturers of Audi’s roofrack systems as it served me well for a further 8years !
@scaler911
Are you SERIOUS??!? Good Lord, that is awful! Was anything ever recovered?
I tend to agree with others that this is good advice but does not rise to the level of a new Rule. Ride from home and you won’t have this problem.
‘Twat’ is quite a versatile word. It can be used as a term of endearment where I come from, as in ‘alright, you twat?’
@fignons barber
@Nate
How about Rule #96: Your bike should only be on a roof rack on a car with your sponsor’s name plastered all over it, during a race that you are riding n+1, where n is the bike on the roof.
Seriously though, I don’t think this proposed rule adds to cycling culture and the general advancement of the the V.
@freddy
I have given this more thought. I would argue that it’s not Rule-worthy because transporting your bike by car has little to do with riding the machine, maintaining it, or making it look fantastic. For us mere mortals, it is merely a necessary evil, an expedient to use when the ride does not start from the front door.
I DO NOT GET THE DRIVE INTO THINGS WITH BIKES ON TOP OF THE CAR!
When I have the bike(s) on the car it’s because I am on the way to or from a cycling event and that’s what’s on my mind.
The VMH is another issue altogether. Last summer she drove into a parking garage with the tandem on top (I know, I know, “the tandem,” but really, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it). The result was a shattered CatEye, a scuff on my beloved Brooks Swallow saddle (bad enough to piss me off every time I see it, but not so bad as to replace), and four serious dents in the roof of the car. Davidson builds a strong frame for sure.
Raccident (pronounced “Rack-sid-ent”)
@bkclyde
It may be tempting fate but I have never done it so far and I don’t think I ever will.
I honestly can’t comprehend how someone can forget they have the bikes on top of the car AND then drive into something. I don’t claim this as some intellectual or moral superiority, I just have never even come close to it myself.
I’ve also never had a clipless moment, which is another thing that everyone is supposed to have done.
This seems more suited to The Lexicon, rather than The Rules, since “twatting your bike” is a term and not a guiding principle.
@fignons barber
Good point. Bikes in the car, kids on the roof rack. They can duck if a low-hanging obstacle comes along. Besides, kids like the sense of danger and speed.
@V-olcano
Are you a small person? Ride BMX? How do your bikes possible fit inside your hatchback standing up?
@Nate
Agreed, not a rule. Its a good though and I like the idea of adding it to the Lexicon. I drive in fear and paranoia every time my bike is on the roof, but so far I haven’t become that person.
@ChrisO
I think the problem is, one never has to worry about clearance in a car, no matter the car. You can drive your whole life and it’s not an issue so you don’t ever think about it. Then, snazzy roof racks, one has just added 1.2 meters to the top of the car and if one doesn’t have a sunroof to see them and be reminded, it happens.
A friend tore his Colnago Master off his car and did major damage to the car while driving into his garage…while talking to his girlfriend on the cell. He yelled so much she thought he had been nearly murdered. ooops.
@therealpeel Re the login/post. It will actually be your browser. Try clearing the cache. It happens to me but is ok after I clear the cache. Though these days I just login as it’s as quick as clearing the browser cache.
@Gianni
Of course after that if she had a mishap and he was not all ears, attention and sympathy he would have been toast.
It is horrifying that once the noise from the impact reaches your ears, you know exactly and irreversibly what has transpired. After driving slowly and partially into my garage on two separate occasions with two different bikes, I ash canned my Thule roof mount for a more idiot proof trunk mount. The only bright bright spot to this tale is that neither bike was seriously damaged. The car and the racks, not so much. Some people are slow learners.
@Gianni
Hmm, hands free? I know it can still be distracting, but I’m extremely pissed at people who drive with one hand. You can tell who they are…the person taking the corner on a huge, looping arc because they can’t properly turn the wheel.
As Followers, I hope people would have the good sense to not drive and text or drive with one hand. Most of the time I’m nearly hit, the people are playing with a cellular phone. I think it should be Federal law, not state-by-state, that hands free is a must.
I also hope that Werner Herzog’s new short doc. on texting and the dangers becomes required viewing in new driver education. Out of all the shit in the world beyond our control, running people over because you are texting absolutely infuriates me. It’s so fucking selfish. And the message you’re sending is probably completely unnecessary. The world will go on without you sending that.
I wouldn’t trust a 16 year old to polish my bike with Pedros…but we’ll gladly put them into a deadly machine with a distracting toy in their hands. Fucked up, totally fucked up.
Far too specific an example of just being a gormless twat to actually qualify as a Rule. Could easily be covered by a catch all ‘Look After Your Bike’ Rule and ‘Dont Be a Daft Muppet’ sub clause.Anyway, only folk who shop at Waitrose tell us they shop at Waitrose, normal folk just say a supermarket. UK readers will know this.
OK, so far the consensus seems to be adding it to the lexicon, it’s not Rule worthy. This is how we figure these things out.
@Ron
This was pre-texting, imagine that world. But yes he was on his cell phone and I bet he thought twice about talking on the phone and pulling into his garage after that. Between the damage to his car and the damage to his bike, not to mention the garage, it was an expensive mistake.
Last year, while out on a ride, I met a fine fellow that had a Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Van that he’d converted to the task of hauling friends and bikes. It had the two front seats and then a single bench in behind to accommodate a total of 5 passengers. All along the left side of the vehicle through the cargo area was a Park Tools tool bench replete with all sorts of shiny twisting and turning utensils. At even intervals along the right side of the cargo hold were mounted front fork mounts with quick releases so that you could hang 5 bikes along the wall of the cargo hold with front wheels removed – he had some other ingenious way of hanging the front wheels between the frames. When you opened the rear cargo doors there was a Park Tools top tube grabbing bike holder so that you could work on or clean the bikes pre and post race.
And, to top it all off, sitting on top of the Tool Bench was a lovely little Espresso machine and some delicate fine china!
@kixsand
That is very serious and civilized sounding. I know a guy in Washington state who bought a yellow school bus with a handicapped lift-gate. He removed most of the seats, installed bench seats and uses the lift-gate for lifting kegs of beer into the bus. It’s sole purpose is to move cyclists around. Also very civilized.
Agree this is more appropriately a part of the lexicon rather than a rule.
In our case: When on the roof rack on the MINI both bikes clear the garage door by 2cm; when in the bed of the truck (with spiffy Yakima fork mount), clears by 70cm.
There was the day, however, at a previous home whilst following the VMH home from a race I had completed: bike on MINI with VMH as vehicle commander and me following in the work truck. Panic in watching the garage door open, the MINI and bike begin to enter! About the only time I ever used the horn so vigorously! She stopped with less than a metre to broken bike.
@Boltzmann
I’ve heard a similar story involving a drive-through hamburger restaurant with Scottish origins and a car laden with TT bikes. Triathletes of course. Wondered why people were yelling at them and blasting their horns until they realised that their front wheels were within a metre of the high-limit barrier. I also know two people who have separately Marcellus’d their bikes TWICE. Thats four bikes all up……all into their own garages.
The best and most unlikely testament to wheel strength and build quality is via a colleague who Marcellus’d (sorry, not a fan of twatting. Names are funnier and more obscure, like Delgado) her bike on the roof of a weeks-old VW Golf. Roof-racks were ripped off the car, $8,000 damage. Bike was fine. Front wheel was not even out of true. Fulcrum Racing Zero’s in case you’re interested.
@Gianni & Kixand – they do sound like very civilised and frankly, committed set-ups. I aspire to that level of existence. There is a lot to be said for well-kitted vans.
@Buck Rogers
Yep. Was on my way home from a race, going to a buddies, dropped into the local grocery store for like 10min. Came out and you know how you look for your car in a crowded parking lot by looking for your bike on top? Well, it wasn’t there.
Took some convincing (in the mid 90’s) to get the insurance agent to believe I had $5K worth of bicycle stolen.
@Teocalli
been there, still get chills about what might have happened.
@mhoffinator
Admittedly I only use my rack when going to a race since they’re usually too far away to ride my bike there, BUT I do have a rear rack potential horror story. The shortened version is that I had to get into the brush wagon on a charity ride (rear derailleur was ripped off the bike in a horrible accident with the bike finally failing as a single speed after an additional 50km stopping every 2-3 km or so to fix the poor beast). I wasn’t too jazzed about my bike being racked on the back so we laid the injuried bike in the van only to be rear ended 5 minutes later. The bike would have been destroyed had it been on the rear rack no question.
With a roof rack you are limited by your own stupidity, with the rear rack you are the mercy of the stupidity of others. I’ll take my chances with the former, thank you very much.
@fignons barber
I like the cut of your jib sir.
@chris m
While “twatting the bike” is cute, it is not nearly as specifically descriptive as this gem for the Lexicon. “Twatting the bike” could have its place though, as it could mean any positioning of the bike that allows it to become suddenly overcome by gravity or immovable object while not being ridden (fall down, off, over) and subsequently tainted (damaged).
On a one-way street with my wife at the wheel and bike on the driver’s side in the roof rack. I was heading to a week-long “tour” we organize to promote healthy living and arriving at our leader’s home where the bus and support vehicle were ready to accept me and my gear. I said pull over to the left (one-way street remember) to park, unfortunately the kids had their mobile basketball not pulled off the street but the basket and its chain net overhung the curb. Sure enough the handlebars got caught in the net, twisted the rack and broke my front fork. It was friday evening around seven and we were hitting the road first thing the next morning. No back-up bike. As luck would have it a local bike shop took mercy on me and fitted a fork which didn’t match but worked and they also switched the brakes as mine won’t work with the new fork – all for an excellent price as they appreciated what we were doing. Still have the bike with the odd fork and front brakes but I also have a new bike having been given budgetary approval based, in part, on the fact that it wasn’t me driving. I endorse the new rule.