Guest Article: Proposed New Rule #96, the Marcellus Rule

Roof racks Rule. photo-Honda

This note arrived to the Velominati Bunker back in April. It was a confession. It was a cautionary one. Everyone knows someone who has done this. I nearly did it myself*. I replied to Alex, not sympathetically enough yet his message has stayed with me. Is this worthy of a New Rule? 

Yours in Cycling, Gianni

Dear illustrious members ,

I wondered if the members had a Rule for irregular removal of bikes from roof, off vehicle? I feel the need to explain a little incident that occurred after picking up my two Specialized bikes from storage after having moved house.

Both  bikes  were sitting comfortably on the Thule roof rack and we were making good headway back to my new residence in Bourne end. I had both my boys in the car and was a little distracted with a conversation with my eldest. Mentioned in the conversation was the issue of lunch. So it made sense to pull into Waitrose to get a bite to eat. Err need I go on? We entered into Waitrose at a good speed.

There was a horrendous noise that I cannot describe and still haunts me, followed by the sound of breaking glass as both bikes and roof rack hit the ground after briefly entering the boot through the rear window.

Some of you will remember an incident, many years ago, to a chap called Marcellus. I remember thinking I would never be stupid enough to drive my car through a barrier with a bike on top of my roof. Well I have exceeded this by wrecking my bike and my girlfriend’s bike. oops

Training is on hold for the moment.

Proposed Rule #96 -Twatting your bike.

Driver and also owner of bikes on roof of car, removes bikes from roof of car by driving through a barrier. Owner of bike shall be referred to as a twat until bike has been replaced, or repaired. Exceptions are if wife or girlfriend is driving car in which case a possible conspiracy theory may have to be investigated. This confirms the need for Rule #12: the number of bikes owned should be N +1. You can at least be sure of a spare available.

Waitrose are suing me for damaging their barrier

Bastards

*Two identical Alan CX bikes on the roof of my car as I delivered a racer to the airport after he won the cyclocross nationals many years ago. Luckily the handlebars lightly hit a warning sign as I ripped into the departure drop off. Had that gone badly, I would have had to find another sport.

View Comments

  • @bkclyde

    Stealing and paraphrasing, there's two kinds of folks that use roof racks: 1) Them that have driven into a barrier with the bikes on the rack, and 2) Them that WILL drive into a barrier with the bikes on the rack. I believe this is an iron rule, and knowing my own mind well enough I know this would happen to me. Hitch mount, it's the much safer way for me!

    It may be tempting fate but I have never done it so far and I don't think I ever will.

    I honestly can't comprehend how someone can forget they have the bikes on top of the car AND then drive into something. I don't claim this as some intellectual or moral superiority, I just have never even come close to it myself.

    I've also never had a clipless moment, which is another thing that everyone is supposed to have done.

  • This seems more suited to The Lexicon, rather than The Rules, since "twatting your bike" is a term and not a guiding principle.

  • @fignons barber

    As far as I'm concerned, a roof rack is nothing more than a EPMS for your car. Your beloved machine should be transported the way the euro pros, from pro tour to hardened Belgian kermesse racers, do it: stuffed in a padded bag and placed in the trunk of your car. Roof racks should only be deployed on official team cars, in races, with team sponsorship graphics, manned by professional mechanics and/or other team minions. The bike is the tool of the trade, and should not be subjected to unnecessary catastrophic risk, atmospheric elements,excessive buggage, or combination of the three. Remember: nothing good can happen when your bike is placed on a roof rack. And don't get me started on the ones that hang off the back of a car.......

    Good point. Bikes in the car, kids on the roof rack. They can duck if a low-hanging obstacle comes along. Besides, kids like the sense of danger and speed.

  • @V-olcano

    Unrelated because I have no story to share (I drive a hatchback and the bikes fit inside standing up - proper protection, that is):

    What is going on here with having to log in before being able to read posts/comments? It's not quite maddening, but adding a step each time I visit seems silly.

    Are you a small person? Ride BMX? How do your bikes possible fit inside your hatchback standing up?

    @Nate

    @freddy

    @fignons barber

    As far as I'm concerned, a roof rack is nothing more than a EPMS for your car. Your beloved machine should be transported the way the euro pros, from pro tour to hardened Belgian kermesse racers, do it: stuffed in a padded bag and placed in the trunk of your car. Roof racks should only be deployed on official team cars, in races, with team sponsorship graphics, manned by professional mechanics and/or other team minions. The bike is the tool of the trade, and should not be subjected to unnecessary catastrophic risk, atmospheric elements,excessive buggage, or combination of the three. Remember: nothing good can happen when your bike is placed on a roof rack. And don't get me started on the ones that hang off the back of a car.......

    @Nate

    I tend to agree with others that this is good advice but does not rise to the level of a new Rule. Ride from home and you won't have this problem.

    How about Rule #96: Your bike should only be on a roof rack on a car with your sponsor's name plastered all over it, during a race that you are riding n+1, where n is the bike on the roof.

    Seriously though, I don't think this proposed rule adds to cycling culture and the general advancement of the The V.

    I have given this more thought. I would argue that it's not Rule-worthy because transporting your bike by car has little to do with riding the machine, maintaining it, or making it look fantastic. For us mere mortals, it is merely a necessary evil, an expedient to use when the ride does not start from the front door.

    Agreed, not a rule. Its a good though and I like the idea of adding it to the Lexicon.  I drive in fear and paranoia every time my bike is on the roof, but so far I haven't become that person.

  • @ChrisO

    @bkclyde

    Stealing and paraphrasing, there's two kinds of folks that use roof racks: 1) Them that have driven into a barrier with the bikes on the rack, and 2) Them that WILL drive into a barrier with the bikes on the rack. I believe this is an iron rule, and knowing my own mind well enough I know this would happen to me. Hitch mount, it's the much safer way for me!

    It may be tempting fate but I have never done it so far and I don't think I ever will.

    I honestly can't comprehend how someone can forget they have the bikes on top of the car AND then drive into something. I don't claim this as some intellectual or moral superiority, I just have never even come close to it myself.

    I've also never had a clipless moment, which is another thing that everyone is supposed to have done.

    I think the problem is, one never has to worry about clearance in a car, no matter the car. You can drive your whole life and it's not an issue so you don't ever think about it. Then, snazzy roof racks, one has just added 1.2 meters to the top of the car and if one doesn't have a sunroof to see them and be reminded, it happens.

    A friend tore his Colnago Master off his car and did major damage to the car while driving into his garage...while talking to his girlfriend on the cell. He yelled so much she thought he had been nearly murdered. ooops.

  • @therealpeel   Re the login/post.  It will actually be your browser.  Try clearing the cache.  It happens to me but is ok after I clear the cache.  Though these days I just login as it's as quick as clearing the browser cache.

  • It is horrifying that once the noise from the impact reaches your ears, you know exactly and irreversibly what has transpired.  After driving slowly and partially into my garage on two separate occasions with two different bikes, I ash canned my Thule roof mount for a more idiot proof trunk mount. The only bright bright spot to this tale is that neither bike was seriously damaged. The car and the racks, not so much. Some people are slow learners.

  • @Gianni

    @ChrisO

    @bkclyde

    Stealing and paraphrasing, there's two kinds of folks that use roof racks: 1) Them that have driven into a barrier with the bikes on the rack, and 2) Them that WILL drive into a barrier with the bikes on the rack. I believe this is an iron rule, and knowing my own mind well enough I know this would happen to me. Hitch mount, it's the much safer way for me!

    It may be tempting fate but I have never done it so far and I don't think I ever will.

    I honestly can't comprehend how someone can forget they have the bikes on top of the car AND then drive into something. I don't claim this as some intellectual or moral superiority, I just have never even come close to it myself.

    I've also never had a clipless moment, which is another thing that everyone is supposed to have done.

    I think the problem is, one never has to worry about clearance in a car, no matter the car. You can drive your whole life and it's not an issue so you don't ever think about it. Then, snazzy roof racks, one has just added 1.2 meters to the top of the car and if one doesn't have a sunroof to see them and be reminded, it happens.

    A friend tore his Colnago Master off his car and did major damage to the car while driving into his garage...while talking to his girlfriend on the cell. He yelled so much she thought he had been nearly murdered. ooops.

    Hmm, hands free? I know it can still be distracting, but I'm extremely pissed at people who drive with one hand. You can tell who they are...the person taking the corner on a huge, looping arc because they can't properly turn the wheel.

    As Followers, I hope people would have the good sense to not drive and text or drive with one hand. Most of the time I'm nearly hit, the people are playing with a cellular phone. I think it should be Federal law, not state-by-state, that hands free is a must.

    I also hope that Werner Herzog's new short doc. on texting and the dangers becomes required viewing in new driver education. Out of all the shit in the world beyond our control, running people over because you are texting absolutely infuriates me. It's so fucking selfish. And the message you're sending is probably completely unnecessary. The world will go on without you sending that.

    I wouldn't trust a 16 year old to polish my bike with Pedros...but we'll gladly put them into a deadly machine with a distracting toy in their hands. Fucked up, totally fucked up.

  • Far too specific an example of just being a gormless twat to actually qualify as a Rule. Could easily be covered by a catch all 'Look After Your Bike' Rule and 'Dont Be a Daft Muppet' sub clause.Anyway, only folk who shop at Waitrose tell us they shop at Waitrose, normal folk just say a supermarket. UK readers will know this.

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