Categories: The Rules

Study of a Madman: Riding in the Rain

Riding high up on a deep depression.

I awoke Sunday morning to the sound of the driving rain on the windows, buffeted by gusts of wind. I got up, made myself a double espresso, and called to the dogs for their walk. Smackimus, the mutt who embodies Rule #5 in everything he does, came bounding down the stairs. Beene, the lummoxy Great Dane, followed quite a distance behind, yawning and smacking her lips. I opened the front door and the three of us headed outside. I made my way down the stairs and zipped up my jacket as both dogs followed. Smackimus slowed noticeably as we left the shelter of the front porch and stepped into the rain, and Beene stopped altogether.

After using all my skills of persuasion, I managed to get both the dogs to do their business, but it was a minimum-commitment operation; both dogs did what they needed to do and bolted back up the steps to the shelter of the front porch.

A great day for a ride, obviously.

We are a sick lot, those of us who find more pleasure in riding in bad weather than in good. I have decided, however, to remove my fenders from the Rain Bike, as they do tend to detract from the considerable pleasure of feeling the spray from the road coat your body in Rule #9; the fenders definitely diminish the indulgence in the rain, and, generally, the volume of Suck that the weather is dispensing on your person. Fenders or not, the ride still merited camera-phone self-portraits, Dan O-style.

Oh, and – Merckx help us all – I think Rule #9 might actually be a Garbage Song.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/frank@velominati.com/Only Happy When it Rains/”/]

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Jarvis says:

Oct 13 2010 at 5:38 am

On the best bike. No, no and no

Doesn anyone care what happens with the hack bike? I ran crud guards. But if I was to ever run mudguards again it would be Crud's Racer Guards (or whatever they're called) /got to run, screaming child
michael says:

Oct 13 2010 at 10:05 am

There's a big difference between going out for a ride in a thunderstorm or shower and riding day-in and day out 7-10 hours a week whether it's raining or not in a town where it rains almost half of the year.
frank says:

Oct 13 2010 at 10:46 am

@Ron

So what is the final Velominati ruling on mud guards? Do they ruin hardman status or are they acceptable in winter with four straight months of wet roads?

Mud guards fall into the same category as do compact cranks. It's obviously more Awesome to roll without them for the simple fact that your life will suck more. That said, there are a multitude of excellent reasons why one might run them, so just make sure - absolutely sure - that you and the bike look fucking good.

Personally, once I rebuild the steel with Campy and restore the EV2 back to it's original glory days, I'll be using lightweight race blades or something similar that can be easily taken off. I'll use them when needed in the cold, and otherwise I'll just indulge in the glory of Rule 9.
chad says:

Oct 13 2010 at 12:53 pm

Harden the f%^k up! It's just rain. What do want a cookie for doing a ride in the rain.
frank says:

Oct 13 2010 at 2:07 pm

@chad
Eating cookies is out of the question if we have any designs on reaching racing weight and Peaking in Two Months. I'll happily take a post-ride beer, however.
ken says:

Oct 13 2010 at 2:15 pm

As for the beer, I might agree with the caveat that Ales are to be measured only in Pints or Litres.

@Frank

I'll admit to a crisis of confidence on this one. It's a 'horses for courses' sort of thing, that defies rule making. But if there were a rule it might go like this: Continental beers, notably finest Belgian ales, should always be measured and referred to in 'cl'. Ales, English and American beers (watery piss or otherwise) should always be measured in pints. Half-pints are an acceptable alternative assuming you wish to be regarded as a pussy.
ken says:

Oct 13 2010 at 2:43 pm

@George

Nicely put George. Your embracing of both Rules 5 and 9 is deserving of our admiration. And having spent several hours cleaning cow shit out of my mudguards I'll admit you have a point. But, whilst you mean an excellent point that spraying slurry in a wheel-suckers face is an entirely appropriate response to some unsolicited wet-weather drafting, I'd still rather not have it all over my best cycling kit.

Especially, as if I did look like this:

...then, heroic though it undoubtedly is, I'd find myself barred from my favourite cafe and unable to indulge in a mid-ride expresso. Instead, I'd probably only be allowed into a Little Chef and then be forced to drink Maxwell House instant coffee and find myself in contravention of Rule 56. That would never do ...
ken says:

Oct 13 2010 at 2:46 pm

Damn. No 'edit' function! Please forgive my unforgivable misspelling of "espresso".
Steampunk says:

Oct 13 2010 at 3:21 pm

ken :

As for the beer, I might agree with the caveat that Ales are to be measured only in Pints or Litres.

@Frank
I'll admit to a crisis of confidence on this one. It's a 'horses for courses' sort of thing, that defies rule making. But if there were a rule it might go like this: Continental beers, notably finest Belgian ales, should always be measured and referred to in 'cl'. Ales, English and American beers (watery piss or otherwise) should always be measured in pints. Half-pints are an acceptable alternative assuming you wish to be regarded as a pussy.

Correction: Irish beer is measured in pints; English beers are in mugs or glasses (so the publicans can stiff you); Canadian beer comes in pitchers; most American beer doesn't deserve the name.
Steampunk says:

Oct 13 2010 at 3:26 pm

Practiced Rule 9 and Rule 65 practiced today to great satisfaction. The morning started out below freezing; while the sun was out and began to thaw the frost on road and verge by the time the first climb was behind me, I could feel the cold in ears and lungs. No rain, but that would only have meant the world was warmer. And then I almost got hit by a deer while doing roughly 30kph. Big buck stepped out into the road and almost into me (not me hitting him, but him into me), which I take to be the epitome of Rule 65: how quiet do rider and bike have to be for a deer not to hear me coming or notice me on the road?

Beautiful morning, beautiful up and down ride: good way to start the day...