Categories: Belgian AffirmationsLa Vie VelominatusThe Rules

La Vie Velominatus: Flemish Tan Lines

A select group of people appreciate this look.

Clouds hang heavy in the sky, plump with a rain which contemplates the opportunity to hurl itself towards the Earth below. I get the sense that we wait for each other, the Rain and I; the rain relishes the opportunity to soak my clothes and skin, seeking to corrode my resolve while I cherish the opportunity to prove to myself that it will not be shaped by such things.

As a kid, I had an illustrated book of Aesop’s Fables. This time of year, I’m often reminded of one fable in particular, that of the Wind and the Sun. As the tale goes, the two are in the midst of an argument over which is the stronger when they spot a traveller on the road below. The Sun suggests that whichever of them can cause the traveller to take off his cloak will be declared the winner. The Wind blows and blows with all its might but the traveller only pulls his cloak closer. The Sun, on the other hand, beams with all its yellow glory, and the traveller soon finds it too hot for his cloak and discards it.

Aesop’s moral was that kindness is more effective than severity, but that sounds a lot like it would require introspection to really digest. Instead, I like to think of myself as the traveller and my resolve as the cloak; the worse the weather, the closer I pull it to me and the more determined I am to hold my course. In fact, this concept extends to any hardship in life; the greater the challenge, the stronger my determination.

So there we are, the Rain and I, waiting for each other; me with my cloak and the Rain with its severity. At this time of year, when the skies have turned grey but the chill hasn’t yet arrived to keep it company, I enjoy waiting for the rain to fall before embarking on my rides. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the questioning looks from the neighbors who descend from their homes in coats and hiding beneath their umbrellas for the journey from front door to automobile; they serve as further evidence that the public still has some distance yet to cover before understanding the Velominatus.

The rain pours down and in minutes soaks my clothes. Rain drops drip from the brim of my cycling cap; when I clench my fist, water steams from the fingers of my gloves. The roads are soaked; both the rain and traffic cast debris towards the gutters. My path crosses between the two and the grit and dirt afloat in the rain water are flung onto my machine and body.

When I return home from the ride, the evidence of my journey is carried in my clothing which is heavy with water and debris. Overshoes and knee warmers, once removed, reveal my Flemish Tan Lines via the clean skin beneath.

Perhaps Flanders is a place not defined by the borders between people, but between wool and flesh. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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frank says:

Nov 7 2012 at 9:06 pm

@Oli

I deleted the first half of your post in my response because you went right back into extending my response completely beyond its scope and then moved into your customary approach to attack me personally because my reasoning differs The Globally Accepted Standard of Reason as defined by your view. Quite frankly we've had enough of these arguments and I'm quite sure we've worn through the vinyl on that record.

But then you got into some interesting stuff that I'm more than happy to get into.

Finally, your idea that somehow carbon and titanium bikes are magically better protected from the elements than stell is just risible.

If you think this has anything to do with how well the bike itself is protected from the elements, you have misunderstood my point. What I'm saying is that the frame material itself is less likely to corrode. This is simply a matter of the material's properties, which our restoration of a 1959 MGA is kindly demonstrating for us: the only part of the body which is salvagable is the hood. The hood is aluminum, the body is steel.

If you had actually worked in bike shops all your life instead of fondling your own fine stable, you'd have come across a delightful phenomenon called galvanic corrosion and, like me, you'd have spent hours of hard physical labour trying to remove steel and/or aluminium bottom brackets and/or seatposts fused into ti and/or carbon frames, seen rivets on carbon and ti frames pull clean off because they've corroded from rain and salt. You might have had to drill out cable housings rusted into them, or not been able to remove a fork because the carbon steerer has been fused to the top race of the headset.

You have to remember that most people aren't able/don't have the time/don't have the ability or handy bike shop to be able to be proactive as regards to maintenance, so your standards aren't a good guide as to what works and what doesn't. For many people (not all, of course) a bike set up with mudguards is a damn good idea, so perhaps you should just accept that and deal with it.

I have, in fact, dealt with this on other people's bikes, despite not working in a bike shop. Where we differ on this is that I'm addressing the Velominati community, not Fred Who Rides a Bike and Neglects It.

Second, basic maintenance like separating parts from each other regularly, cleaning the machine, oiling the chain is not the realm of the wealthy. Anyone with a multitool, soap and water, and a can of WD-40 can perform elementary bike maintenance. All it takes is interest and desire.

From The Keepers page:

A Velominatus is a disciple of the highest order. We spend our days poring over the very essence of what makes ours such a special sport and how that essence fits into cycling's colorful fabric. This is the Velominati's raison d'Ãªtre. This is where the Velominati can be ourselves. This is our agony - our badge of honor - our sin.

Its great that you are here to point out the basics, but I'm addressing the Velominati.

I await your cherry-picked retort with fond anticipation. :-)

Get fucked!
Nate says:

Nov 7 2012 at 9:09 pm

@Oli

Just when I thought @frank was starting to muster some rational thought on this topic, along comes your fantastically well-reasoned argument. Chapeau.
imakecircles says:

Nov 7 2012 at 9:20 pm

Somewhat off topic, but I found this to be hil-freaking-larious and thought this community might appreciate it.

http://www.steephill.tv/players/youtube3/?title=Shit+Cyclists+Say/+Expressions+commonly+used+to+annoy+ride+partners&dashboard=&id=GMCkuqL9IcM&yr=2012
Nate says:

Nov 7 2012 at 9:24 pm

@frank

Our posts crossed paths. Carry on.
scaler911 says:

Nov 7 2012 at 9:51 pm

@Oli

@frank I call BS on your BS call. You cannot argue with the first part of my statement because it's entirely true - historically, club cyclists in the UK have used mudguards on their rain bikes or not been welcome on group rides. Fact. I was baiting about the US part because I don't know what the culture is, but it seems to me to that mudguards simply aren't as common in the road scene as they are in the UK. This is not bullshit, it's an observation.

Secondly, function over form sums up things quite well, if you don't try and take one tiny facet of what I said and try and make it fit your very obvious bias - in the UK people don't seem to mind the added weight (minimal, and on a rain bike who the fuck cares?), noise (only if you're incapable of installing them correctly as, by your own admission, you appear to be), making it harder to change tyre (total rubbish - a wheel will drop out of a frame exactly the same whether or not it has mudguards or not), inability to fork-mount it in the car (most rational people would set their bike up to optimise riding, not transporting by car. I suspect this is a particularly US concern), and make maintenance and cleanup harder (marginally true, but the whole point is that the rain bike is ridden through winter with only basic external maintenance, then cleaned up in spring ready for the following winter).

Form over function really just meant that I believe you prefer the look of your bike without 'guards, and function over form meant that a bike that's set up to ride in the rain as it's primary function has had such petty concerns as looks put aside.

Finally, your idea that somehow carbon and titanium bikes are magically better protected from the elements than stell is just risible. If you had actually worked in bike shops all your life instead of fondling your own fine stable, you'd have come across a delightful phenomenon called galvanic corrosion and, like me, you'd have spent hours of hard physical labour trying to remove steel and/or aluminium bottom brackets and/or seatposts fused into ti and/or carbon frames, seen rivets on carbon and ti frames pull clean off because they've corroded from rain and salt. You might have had to drill out cable housings rusted into them, or not been able to remove a fork because the carbon steerer has been fused to the top race of the headset.

You have to remember that most people aren't able/don't have the time/don't have the ability or handy bike shop to be able to be proactive as regards to maintenance, so your standards aren't a good guide as to what works and what doesn't. For many people (not all, of course) a bike set up with mudguards is a damn good idea, so perhaps you should just accept that and deal with it.

I await your cherry-picked retort with fond anticipation. :-)

I'll bite (sorry, been absorbed in politics the last couple days). Firstly, and I know you're the bike shop authority 'round these parts, but getting your wheel out is a bigger pain in the ass, especially if you're retro fitting a old race frame with closer tolerances with fenders. And you do "proper" PNW fender extensions (riveting half a old bidon to the end of the fender so it almost hits the ground). Race Blades on a touring or 'cross bike and sure the wheel pops right out.

I can't really speak to the regional thing. Around here, it's kinda personal. That said, if you throw them on your commuter, fine. But if it's raining you're still getting wet from the shit falling from the sky!

Did a 90+Km ride with 16 guys on Saturday. It had rained hard all night. Fenders all around and I came home filthy and wet. And My bike was a bigger pain in the ass to clean since I had to (painfully) pull off the wheels and get into the nooks.

Noisy? Well fuck yes. Mine don't rattle at all, but the leaves and pine needles get caught between the tire and fender. So annoying I have to stop and remove them.

So since I'm going to be wet anyway, why bother with the expense and hassle of "mud guards"? Fuck 'em.
minion says:

Nov 7 2012 at 10:16 pm

@Oli

@scaler911

@frank

You ride in the rain? Loons. That's quality time you could be sitting around inside with a cup of hot chocolate admiring the pristine lines of your clean, dry bike while your manhood slowly withers and dies inside you. There's nothing quite as satisfying as owning a wardrobe of pristine, clean new rain kit and never, ever using it but knowing you could if you ever - and I really mean never - rode in the rain.

I'm off the the Rapha shop to buy some Tweed armwarmers and mustache embrocation for an upcoming Whiskey and chappettes ride. Course I'll get to wear my Llama skin Cagoule if it rains but I won't be going outside, no sir.
xced says:

Nov 7 2012 at 11:35 pm

@minion http://imgur.com/eHL4e
mouse says:

Nov 7 2012 at 11:55 pm

@frank

@Oli

I Second, basic maintenance like separating parts from each other regularly, cleaning the machine, oiling the chain is not the realm of the wealthy. Anyone with a multitool, soap and water, and a can of WD-40 can perform elementary bike maintenance. All it takes is interest and desire

Oh shit. Now you've done it.
Deakus says:

Nov 8 2012 at 12:39 am

Way to go! The debate has ranged far and wide whilst I was getting some much needed beauty sleep! I am not going to quote everyone because it would turn in to an essay but long story short:

1. The fact that you put mudguards on your rain bike or touring bike (no-one is espousing putting them on any other bikes) does not make you less of Velominatus....there is no rule breach here....I think the cultural argument has a lot of merit....in many clubs in the UK you would be asked to have mudguards on winter bikes....you have elected to ride with a club and generally that is the club ethos over here.

2. It has got fuck all to do with rain falling on you. At least give us some credit, we are on this site ffs riding in the rain is a joy, I for one love it (although for some reason I like it a little less actually starting in the rain, but to get caught out in it is brilliant). It is about the crap that gets sprayed up off the road. The rear guard is for the benefit of others behind you (see point 1) the front guard does something (something is better than nothing) to keep oil, pine needles (and related resins) stones chips, leaves, used condoms etc from our narrow, poorly maintained roads, off your bottom bracket. This is not about Rule 5 this is about club riding culture in the UK and doing what you can to protect or lessen damage over time to your beloved machine. I am not a bike mechanic so Ill defer to Oli there all I can say is that I have been told many many many times by long term experienced riders and bike mechanics that front guards lessen the clag and shit getting onto the BB and that is likely to help prolong the life of the equipment.

3. Weighs more...give me a break...the heavier the bike the harder you work, the harder you work the more badass you are. Noisier....yes....a bit, this does contravene one of the sought after principles but it is a trade off against other benefits and remember this is not your N1 bike we are talking about here. Stuff rattling up through the guards....I know what you mean but this could be a frame vs clearance issue. It is to my dismay that I bought a winter trainer with clearance only for 23mm tyres on mudguards, I have tried running with 24mm but as has been mentioned everything and anything gets stuck in them and the scraping is never ending so I am compelled to stick with my conti gatorskins and destined never to ride a glorious set of Open Paves and this makes me sad. I take the point about the difference between Velominati and cycling enthusiasts but I don't actually see a conflict here. A dedicated winter trainer is sensible, more comfortable, more enjoyable here in the UK in our climate, with our narrow shitty poorly maintained roads in our crowded country with all the detritus, oil, and general crap we get to peruse on our way through.

Ultimately if you absolutely believe that mudguards are a no no or somehow Anti-V then that is up to you but the idea that one is completely right and the other completely wrong looks like the difference between passion and fundamentalism to me...

Essentially you should equip your bike the way you believe you can best serve The Prophet, that means keep one eye on the Rules and another on the Masturbation Principle. Ride like a Lion, deploy the guns where they can do most damage and most of all VLVV.
Deakus says:

Nov 8 2012 at 12:42 am

Fuck that was not short....forget the "Long Story Short" bit of my last post I should have said "Long Story Long"!