La Vie Velominatus: Flemish Tan Lines

A select group of people appreciate this look.

Clouds hang heavy in the sky, plump with a rain which contemplates the opportunity to hurl itself towards the Earth below. I get the sense that we wait for each other, the Rain and I; the rain relishes the opportunity to soak my clothes and skin, seeking to corrode my resolve while I cherish the opportunity to prove to myself that it will not be shaped by such things.

As a kid, I had an illustrated book of Aesop’s Fables. This time of year, I’m often reminded of one fable in particular, that of the Wind and the Sun. As the tale goes, the two are in the midst of an argument over which is the stronger when they spot a traveller on the road below. The Sun suggests that whichever of them can cause the traveller to take off his cloak will be declared the winner. The Wind blows and blows with all its might but the traveller only pulls his cloak closer. The Sun, on the other hand, beams with all its yellow glory, and the traveller soon finds it too hot for his cloak and discards it.

Aesop’s moral was that kindness is more effective than severity, but that sounds a lot like it would require introspection to really digest. Instead, I like to think of myself as the traveller and my resolve as the cloak; the worse the weather, the closer I pull it to me and the more determined I am to hold my course. In fact, this concept extends to any hardship in life; the greater the challenge, the stronger my determination.

So there we are, the Rain and I, waiting for each other; me with my cloak and the Rain with its severity. At this time of year, when the skies have turned grey but the chill hasn’t yet arrived to keep it company, I enjoy waiting for the rain to fall before embarking on my rides. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the questioning looks from the neighbors who descend from their homes in coats and hiding beneath their umbrellas for the journey from front door to automobile; they serve as further evidence that the public still has some distance yet to cover before understanding the Velominatus.

The rain pours down and in minutes soaks my clothes. Rain drops drip from the brim of my cycling cap; when I clench my fist, water steams from the fingers of my gloves. The roads are soaked; both the rain and traffic cast debris towards the gutters. My path crosses between the two and the grit and dirt afloat in the rain water are flung onto my machine and body.

When I return home from the ride, the evidence of my journey is carried in my clothing which is heavy with water and debris. Overshoes and knee warmers, once removed, reveal my Flemish Tan Lines via the clean skin beneath.

Perhaps Flanders is a place not defined by the borders between people, but between wool and flesh. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @Chris

    @Adrian Do bike wheels actually fit in the dishwasher? You learn something new everyday.

    Ever since reading this I've avoided sticking bike related stuff in the dishwasher. They're best kept cleaning dishes and small children.

    It was a pre-requisite when we brought the dishwasher......never actually tried if the kids will fit, thanks for the idea!

  • Mudguards V no mudguards...

    Slide back to engage the quads V slide forward to engage the quads...

    Black shoes V white shoes...

    Helmets V no helmets...

    Yawn. There's only one way to move on:

  • @Adrian

    @Chris

    @Adrian Do bike wheels actually fit in the dishwasher? You learn something new everyday.

    Ever since reading this I've avoided sticking bike related stuff in the dishwasher. They're best kept cleaning dishes and small children.

    It was a pre-requisite when we brought the dishwasher......never actually tried if the kids will fit, thanks for the idea!

    More seriously though I recently had to pull a rear freehub apart when I started to get a weird "slipping" sensation on the pedal stroke.  It turns out one of the retainers (not sure of the word) that drop down when freewheeling had broken....I think in fact it was the coil spring.  The reason....over aggressive bike love!

    I had sought to make my rear cassette sparkle like the star of david over the manager and resorted to using something called Wonder Wheels.  This stuff is great for alloy wheel cleaning but Vbad for your rear hub, I guess because it strips out all of the grease and lubricant and leave metal grating on metal which is bound to end in tears in the end....

    Never to be repeated, when I want a spangly rear cassette now I remove it and soak in petrol (not indoors and NOT on a hot day!)...I just wipe the rear hub and bit down and give them a blast of GT85 (slightly runnier than WD40)...reassemble and Voila..

    Like masturbation....too much bike love can cause unlubricated parts to rub together with too much friction and disastrous results!

  • @minion
    Here in TN it does not rain everyday (like the Pacific NW), so it is generally possible to pick and choose the better weather for riding. I don't mind being out on the ride and getting wet (Rule 9 cold/wet), but starting out in the downpour (deluge, frog-strangler, etc.) is counter intuitve and time to work in the garage/shop on another project.  I am also open to changing my riding plans to accomodate the different conditions.  I'll ride my cross bike on the mixed gravel-rail path-pavement loop, or go MTB if the trails in the woods are not going to be adversly affected. Still I have my #2 (alu-carbon) for the roads where there is certain to be grime from the intermittent rain and melted snow & ice we experience during the so-called "off-season".  Mostly for me though, this season is primarily about the logisticis of getting a ride in rather than sticking with some proscriptive training plan than prioritizes miles (km) over fun.  

  • @Harminator

    Mudguards V no mudguards...
     

    Slide back to engage the quads V slide forward to engage the quads...

    Black shoes V white shoes...

    Helmets V no helmets...

    Yawn. There's only one way to move on:


     

    Ahhhhhh, I thank everyone for this thread as it has ended perfectly!  Thanks Harminator for restoring some sanity around here. 

  • @Harminator

    Mudguards V no mudguards...

    Slide back to engage the quads V slide forward to engage the quads...

    Black shoes V white shoes...

    Helmets V no helmets...

    Yawn. There's only one way to move on:

    Now that's a "V"!!

  • @frank

    I've been using one of the Lezyne lights and its awesome. Can't wait to get my hands on the double-headlight MegaDrive. Its like riding with the Eye of Sauron on your bike.

    +1. i have the super drive and love it. i pretty much never use the brightest mode, unless i'm in the middle of the woods on a bike path, in total darkness.  i'm interested in the mega drive; although it may be overkill for my needs. i'm more interested in their rear lights now as although i love my PDW danger zone, i dislike the attachment bracket and the lack of usb charging.

  • @frank

    On the other hand, mud guards (I'll concede this is the proper name, not fenders, by the way) add weight, noise, make it hard to change tire, can no longer fork-mount it in the car, and make maintenance and cleanup harder. I also suspect they increase tire wear since they rarely can keep off the damn things, but I eighty-sixed my fenders before I could prove that to be the case.

    weight - they add about 200 grams.  really, that's a problem for you?  take a dump before your ride and call it a wash.  noise - not if set up correctly (see below).  changing tires - it actually impedes nothing, you just have to be a little careful (and we're talking a winter/rain bike here; you should be running more puncture resistant tires anyway).  fork mounting - false.  i've tried a few different ones and all of them work.  even long mudflap ones work fine (the flap just flaps up).  maintenance - it's actually WAY easier with fenders as there's far less shit on your bike.  it's just focused in a couple spots.  and you occasionally need to remove the wheels to clean under them.  much better than cleaning a bike without them thoroughly after every ride.  (not to mention your kit is generally a good bit cleaner as well.)  tire wear - again, not if set up correctly.

    my ultimate feeling on this is that mudguards should not be on a road bike that's not made for them.  that means no sks raceblades or crud roadracers shoe-horned onto a carbon bike with short reach brakes, no chain stay mount, etc.  if your bike doesn't have these features, don't mount fenders to it.  that pretty much excludes all race-oriented bikes which, i'm sure we all can agree, look like shit with mudguards and should never be seen wearing them.  and as mentioned above, a bike made for them will have very little issues running them and your overall ride experience will not be adversely impacted at all; it will only improve.

  • @Deakus

    Essentially you should equip your bike the way you believe you can best serve The Prophet, that means keep one eye on the Rules and another on The Masturbation Principle. Ride like a Lion, deploy the guns where they can do most damage and most of all VLVV.

    Hmmm, Like this you mean?

    Look Ma, no fenders (er, mudguards).

  • I have a dedicated winter/rain bike... it has fenders... ahem mudguards. Clubs around here won't let you ride or relegate you to the back of the bus if you show up for a winter ride with no fenders. I would gladly ride without them if someone else was doing my laundry and cleaning my bike after every ride.

    As for me... I like them and it keeps me riding in the Flandrianesque PNW weather. And done right, they don't look that bad on race bike.

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