La Vie Velominatus: Flemish Tan Lines

A select group of people appreciate this look.

Clouds hang heavy in the sky, plump with a rain which contemplates the opportunity to hurl itself towards the Earth below. I get the sense that we wait for each other, the Rain and I; the rain relishes the opportunity to soak my clothes and skin, seeking to corrode my resolve while I cherish the opportunity to prove to myself that it will not be shaped by such things.

As a kid, I had an illustrated book of Aesop’s Fables. This time of year, I’m often reminded of one fable in particular, that of the Wind and the Sun. As the tale goes, the two are in the midst of an argument over which is the stronger when they spot a traveller on the road below. The Sun suggests that whichever of them can cause the traveller to take off his cloak will be declared the winner. The Wind blows and blows with all its might but the traveller only pulls his cloak closer. The Sun, on the other hand, beams with all its yellow glory, and the traveller soon finds it too hot for his cloak and discards it.

Aesop’s moral was that kindness is more effective than severity, but that sounds a lot like it would require introspection to really digest. Instead, I like to think of myself as the traveller and my resolve as the cloak; the worse the weather, the closer I pull it to me and the more determined I am to hold my course. In fact, this concept extends to any hardship in life; the greater the challenge, the stronger my determination.

So there we are, the Rain and I, waiting for each other; me with my cloak and the Rain with its severity. At this time of year, when the skies have turned grey but the chill hasn’t yet arrived to keep it company, I enjoy waiting for the rain to fall before embarking on my rides. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the questioning looks from the neighbors who descend from their homes in coats and hiding beneath their umbrellas for the journey from front door to automobile; they serve as further evidence that the public still has some distance yet to cover before understanding the Velominatus.

The rain pours down and in minutes soaks my clothes. Rain drops drip from the brim of my cycling cap; when I clench my fist, water steams from the fingers of my gloves. The roads are soaked; both the rain and traffic cast debris towards the gutters. My path crosses between the two and the grit and dirt afloat in the rain water are flung onto my machine and body.

When I return home from the ride, the evidence of my journey is carried in my clothing which is heavy with water and debris. Overshoes and knee warmers, once removed, reveal my Flemish Tan Lines via the clean skin beneath.

Perhaps Flanders is a place not defined by the borders between people, but between wool and flesh. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @frank

    @Deakus

    If you really think your mud guards are keeping your bike in order, then I'd love to hear about the lollipop rainbows you have in the world you live in.

    Keep the steel and chrome for dry roads.

    Oh Frank we've been here before  - if anyone is showing delusional symptoms it is in your strange belief that a steel bike is not suitable for Rule 9  riding.

    Decades of cycling history suggest otherwise.

    There are only two types of weather - the weather you're prepared for and the weather you're not.

    Neither of them involves not riding because your bike is made of steel. In the UK they tend to actually be favoured as winter bikes.

    Using mudguards, especially on group rides, is just part of being prepared.

  • It's monsoon season here which means hot mornings but torrential rain in the afternoon and night. This great combination means a real tan overlaid by a Vlaamse one during our weekend rides. Showering after a ride is always a laugh trying to figure out what will and will not wash off.

  • @ChrisO

    @frank

    @Deakus

    If you really think your mud guards are keeping your bike in order, then I'd love to hear about the lollipop rainbows you have in the world you live in.

    Keep the steel and chrome for dry roads.

    Oh Frank we've been here before - if anyone is showing delusional symptoms it is in your strange belief that a steel bike is not suitable for Rule #9 riding.

    Decades of cycling history suggest otherwise.

    There are only two types of weather - the weather you're prepared for and the weather you're not.

    Neither of them involves not riding because your bike is made of steel. In the UK they tend to actually be favoured as winter bikes.

    Using mudguards, especially on group rides, is just part of being prepared.

    A-Merckx to that! The mudguards do without at doubt help, if they are of the correct type and quality.  They will not prevent corrosion or prevent all negative impact on your frame, paintwork, gruppo, groupsan, chrome on the lower areas of your bike BUT it will most definately lessen it.  A good set well set up makes very little difference to the ride itself but with installed extensions shows you to be someone who:

    1.  Cares and loves their machine as something less than a discardable item.

    2.  Understands a little about how to look after a bike, which in turn will yield some respect from those checkbook cyclists out there who don't have a clue.

    3.  Mark you out as a Hard Man who is so committed to Rule #9 as to have a bike specifically for the purpose of working the guns hard in ice rain sleet and snow over the winter months rather than sitting on a turbo listening to Kylie on the ipod and getting bored shitless.  After all without the guards how do people know you are on your "Rainbike"?

    The subject of mudguards is probably an area that splits those the ppl of the road primarily because they are not aesthetically pleasing and occasionally (not as much as you might think if installed correctly) rattle a little....

    After all, it is most certainly...about the bike!

  • @frank

    For the moment I cannot afford buying stuff which brings me to the very question what comes first. the bike or the cyclist? Can I ask for clarification?

  • @frank

    I've been using one of the Lezyne lights and its awesome. Can't wait to get my hands on the double-headlight MegaDrive. Its like riding with the Eye of Sauron on your bike.

    I'd love to get one of the Lezyne lights. Not in the Budgetatus right now & I do have a great headlight for full-on rides in total darkness. It isn't self contained though, so an upgrade would be nice.

    Light & helmets & locks...always on the lookout for new & improved ones!

  • @czmiel

    @frank

    For the moment I cannot afford buying stuff which brings me to the very question what comes first. the bike or the cyclist? Can I ask for clarification?

    Rule #4, Rule #11. Think that should cover it.

  • @scaler911

    @czmiel

    @frank

    For the moment I cannot afford buying stuff which brings me to the very question what comes first. the bike or the cyclist? Can I ask for clarification?

    Rule #4, Rule #11. Think that should cover it.

    Without a rider a bike is still a bike.

    Without a bike a cyclist is just a twat in Lycra...

  • @Beers

    @Deakus Heh, not that many people show up when Rule #9 applies, which is why I know looking uncool matters less than getting kms on the legs..

    Does not compute.

    @ChrisO

    @frank

    @Deakus

    If you really think your mud guards are keeping your bike in order, then I'd love to hear about the lollipop rainbows you have in the world you live in.

    Keep the steel and chrome for dry roads.

    Oh Frank we've been here before - if anyone is showing delusional symptoms it is in your strange belief that a steel bike is not suitable for Rule #9 riding.

    Decades of cycling history suggest otherwise.

    There are only two types of weather - the weather you're prepared for and the weather you're not.

    Neither of them involves not riding because your bike is made of steel. In the UK they tend to actually be favoured as winter bikes.

    Using mudguards, especially on group rides, is just part of being prepared.

    Yes, we've been here before and you're still wrong. Sure, you can treat steel, sure you can ride steel in the rain (I do when it happens) but you can't work around this simple fact: steel is much more susceptible to corrosion than is aluminum or carbon.

    The point is, no matter how emphatically you deploy hope as a strategy, the mud guards might keep you a bit drier and keep a bit more of the gunk off your bike, but you still have to maintain it prodigiously or it will go to shit - no matter what material its made of.

  • @czmiel

    @frank

    For the moment I cannot afford buying stuff which brings me to the very question what comes first. the bike or the cyclist? Can I ask for clarification?

    Or the chicken or the egg? They are inextricably bound.

    @Scaler911
    +1

  • @frank I'm admitting it looks shit, but that knowing I will be more comfortable because of the guards, means I turn up while others snuggle under the duvet because it's raining. That's where I live anyway. I acknowledge there's plenty of folk that proudly run without guards, and look better. Is that more legible?

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