Categories: Belgian AffirmationsLa Vie VelominatusThe Rules

La Vie Velominatus: Flemish Tan Lines

A select group of people appreciate this look.

Clouds hang heavy in the sky, plump with a rain which contemplates the opportunity to hurl itself towards the Earth below. I get the sense that we wait for each other, the Rain and I; the rain relishes the opportunity to soak my clothes and skin, seeking to corrode my resolve while I cherish the opportunity to prove to myself that it will not be shaped by such things.

As a kid, I had an illustrated book of Aesop’s Fables. This time of year, I’m often reminded of one fable in particular, that of the Wind and the Sun. As the tale goes, the two are in the midst of an argument over which is the stronger when they spot a traveller on the road below. The Sun suggests that whichever of them can cause the traveller to take off his cloak will be declared the winner. The Wind blows and blows with all its might but the traveller only pulls his cloak closer. The Sun, on the other hand, beams with all its yellow glory, and the traveller soon finds it too hot for his cloak and discards it.

Aesop’s moral was that kindness is more effective than severity, but that sounds a lot like it would require introspection to really digest. Instead, I like to think of myself as the traveller and my resolve as the cloak; the worse the weather, the closer I pull it to me and the more determined I am to hold my course. In fact, this concept extends to any hardship in life; the greater the challenge, the stronger my determination.

So there we are, the Rain and I, waiting for each other; me with my cloak and the Rain with its severity. At this time of year, when the skies have turned grey but the chill hasn’t yet arrived to keep it company, I enjoy waiting for the rain to fall before embarking on my rides. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the questioning looks from the neighbors who descend from their homes in coats and hiding beneath their umbrellas for the journey from front door to automobile; they serve as further evidence that the public still has some distance yet to cover before understanding the Velominatus.

The rain pours down and in minutes soaks my clothes. Rain drops drip from the brim of my cycling cap; when I clench my fist, water steams from the fingers of my gloves. The roads are soaked; both the rain and traffic cast debris towards the gutters. My path crosses between the two and the grit and dirt afloat in the rain water are flung onto my machine and body.

When I return home from the ride, the evidence of my journey is carried in my clothing which is heavy with water and debris. Overshoes and knee warmers, once removed, reveal my Flemish Tan Lines via the clean skin beneath.

Perhaps Flanders is a place not defined by the borders between people, but between wool and flesh. Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Ron says:

Nov 9 2012 at 7:54 am

@IcemanYVR

@Giles

@IcemanYVR Fixed your post, but "done right, they don't look that bad on a rain bike".

@Deakus

@Giles

@IcemanYVR Fixed your post, but "done right, they don't look that bad on a rain bike".

Now I've got visions of people with trouser clips, bowler hats and mudguards on Crits! Even I can't condone that...;)

Yes to both of you... I did in fact mean "RAIN" bike... cycling version of a freudian slip ;)

Is a Rein bike a LOOK 695 in Cofidis colors?
Nate says:

Nov 9 2012 at 8:04 am

@Buck Rogers

Yeah, probably going in the penality box for this one but, come on Frahnk, they are Flemish Tan Lines, right?

She must have needed someone to help her get the kit off without disturbing the tan lines. Where's the sign up list?
Buck Rogers says:

Nov 9 2012 at 8:15 am

@Nate

@Buck Rogers

Yeah, probably going in the penality box for this one but, come on Frahnk, they are Flemish Tan Lines, right?

She must have needed someone to help her get the kit off without disturbing the tan lines. Where's the sign up list?

Yeah, must have been awwwful to have to carefully peel her out of her kit like that.

I have already signed up for the next ten times, so get in line.
frank says:

Nov 9 2012 at 8:50 am

@Buck Rogers

Hey, I've got an idea: post a picture you think is going to land you in the penalty box, and then KEEP FUCKING QUOTING THE WHOLE THING. OVER AND OVER.

That said, they are indeed great FTLs.
frank says:

Nov 9 2012 at 8:50 am
itburns says:

Nov 9 2012 at 9:54 am

@minion

@Oli

@scaler911

@frank

You ride in the rain? Loons. That's quality time you could be sitting around inside with a cup of hot chocolate admiring the pristine lines of your clean, dry bike while another's manhood slowly withers and dies inside you. There's nothing quite as satisfying as owning a wardrobe of pristine, clean new rain kit and never, ever using it but knowing you could if you ever - and I really mean never - rode in the rain.

I'm off the the Rapha shop to buy some Tweed armwarmers and mustache embrocation for an upcoming Whiskey and chappettes ride. Course I'll get to wear my Llama skin Cagoule if it rains but I won't be going outside, no sir.

fixed your post
scaler911 says:

Nov 9 2012 at 10:42 am

@Buck Rogers

@Nate

@Buck Rogers

Yeah, probably going in the penality box for this one but, come on Frahnk, they are Flemish Tan Lines, right?

She must have needed someone to help her get the kit off without disturbing the tan lines. Where's the sign up list?

Yeah, must have been awwwful to have to carefully peel her out of her kit like that.

I have already signed up for the next ten times, so get in line.

I might add, that this can't be the only angle that was shot. There's a photographer somewhere with some great shots on his hard drive. (In my best Beavis voice :hehe, hehehe, You said "shots" hehe, "hard drive" hehe hehe).
scaler911 says:

Nov 9 2012 at 10:44 am

@frank

Nice, but in this case @Buck Rogers is nicer..........
scaler911 says:

Nov 9 2012 at 10:45 am

@all:

Buck Rogers post is of a chicka, right?
gaswepass says:

Nov 9 2012 at 10:48 am

@itburns

@minion

@Oli

@scaler911

@frank

You ride in the rain? Loons. That's quality time you could be sitting around inside with a cup of hot chocolate admiring the pristine lines of your clean, dry bike while another's manhood slowly withers and dies inside you. There's nothing quite as satisfying as owning a wardrobe of pristine, clean new rain kit and never, ever using it but knowing you could if you ever - and I really mean never - rode in the rain.

I'm off the the Rapha shop to buy some Tweed armwarmers and mustache embrocation for an upcoming Whiskey and chappettes ride. Course I'll get to wear my Llama skin Cagoule if it rains but I won't be going outside, no sir.

fixed your post

Nicely done. Nicely done.