La Vie Velominatus: Perched Eyewear

Pantani was a master at reading the V-Meter

There is something supremely Fantastic about a precisely manicured set of sunglasses, particularly when they’re not being used for their intended purpose. Certainly, there are times when circumstance offer no alternative but to actually look through them, but for the most part, it’s a bit pedestrian to use sunglasses for seeing through.

I’ve been obsessed with sunglasses since I was a kid; photos of the Smallest Frank Imaginable feature sunglasses in close proximity, usually perched atop my head of wavy brown hair and rarely anywhere near my eyes. As an athlete, sunglasses have never been far adrift, whether in skiing or cycling, and – in all seriousness – for good reason: eyes are fragile things that should be protected.

Nevertheless, whenever any kind of effort is required, I quickly find myself moving the eyeglasses away from my eyes in an almost claustrophobic panic, and it wasn’t until my most recent ride up Haleakala in my 30th year of sport that the reason for this occurred to me. As athletes, we are hugely dependent on our vision to gauge our effort.

Flying by V-Meter only, our vision offers a constant feedback loop to how near the Man with the Hammer has wandered, and how sharp his blow might be. As we approach sustained effort at or above aerobic threshold, one of the early signs of Diminishing V Returns is the flushing of blood from our cheeks followed closely by the tunneling of our vision. Color is desaturated, then the sides box in a bit, then things get a bit narrow and blurry, and after that the deterioration is not normally recalled in any degree of clarity.

It struck me like a bolt from Merckx’s Crankset: when my vision starts to go, I tear away my sunglasses in order to gauge my effort without the abstraction of the lens. So long as I ride within myself, the shades happily cover my eyes; when I am at my limit, they come off and pop onto the helmet. I used to blame claustrophobia, now I realize it is a matter of gaining an unobstructed view on the V-Meter.

Vive la Vie Velominatus.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • I can only hang my eyewear over the neck of my base layer -- just before I sense the "pop" coming on.

  • Over the years I've tried the perching look, and fail at it. Destroyed a few pairs if Oakley razor blades, frogskins. gave up buying specific eyewear. Can a cord attached to each arm going around the back of the neck acceptable?

    Pantani makes it look so easy!

  • @sthilzy Pantani really took the whole Pirate look a bit too seriously.

    If it's daylight I have my sunglasses on.

    If I start a ride in the dark I hang them off the back of my jersey rather than on my head - it never feels secure. Pros know their sponsors will give them a new pair if they fall.

    At the moment though my morning rides are finishing before sunrise so the glasses aren't even going on.

  • So true.  I think it might have a little bit to do with blurry vision when pushing your own personal limits.  And the glasses tend to hurt the bulging veins in my temples.

  • Briko glasses from the mid '90s always tickled my fancy, especially the flourescent yellow arms, blue rims, big white writing. Oh man.

  • @TBONE

    Briko glasses from the mid '90s always tickled my fancy, especially the flourescent yellow arms, blue rims, big white writing. Oh man.

    Humph, the pic didn't upload as expected.

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