Whenever something tries to be something it isn’t, you wind up getting into trouble. Those Cutlass Cruisers in the 70’s and 80’s with vinyl wood panelling weren’t fooling anyone. Neither are those linoleum tiles in my kitchen; not one person in history has ever mistaken them for being marble. And Lycra has never tricked anyone into believing it was a pair of jean shorts. Despite the extra effort to add a fly and pockets to them.

Which brings up an important point. Looking Pro is not the same as Looking Fantastic. They mostly just stumble into looking cool because they’re on their bikes so much that everything becomes natural for them. But Pros frequently look completely crap, often because their sponsors are paying them to wear something no one in their right mind would ever wear. Like denim-printed bib shorts. But sometimes, when you’re baller enough, you can pull off the most horrendous of kit and still Look Fantastic.

Pantani is the only rider on the long list of those who rode for Carrera who ever pulled off this look. Shit, he even pulled off the all-denim-print long sleeve jersey. He might even have special-ordered it, just to prove he could do it.

Don’t try this at home, kids. You are not this cool, and you can not pull off that look. Pencils down, class dismissed.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • @DaftPunk

    I think Claudio Chiapucci rocked it just as well, a decade before Il Pirata.

    If a "decade" means four years, then yes.

  • @Barracuda

    This is not a victory salute, this is ” who the fck designed this shit looking kit ”

    Marco would’ve rocked it though !

    I remember the first time the VMH saw someone race in that kit, "Oh no! That guy crashed!"

    I'm always amazed to see someone win a race in that kit. You'd think they'd know better.

  • @Oli

    Agreed, but pointing that out in the article would have been too messy. In fact, Cuppucinno rocking it in the spotted jumper was possibly the high point.

  • @frank

    @Oli

    Fuck yeah faux jeans

    +1 Frank!

    I always imagined Roche, Pantani, and a host of other pros were deep down offended by the crappy ass design of the team jersey and faux denim shorts, pay day aside. But rather than cry as they had a post-stage massage, they instead inflicted pain upon the teams who had color-coordinated, well-styled kits. Except Fignon. See, he designed that nasty Castorama jersey/shorts combo. So he was personally offended by your smirk at his stylin', suspenders styled jersey. Thus, you must suffer.

    Chapau Laurent! Now please, slow down.

  • @Stephen

    What the hell mate? You on your way to a clown convention or did you mistake this for an \altsubreddit?

    Love the Darth Vaders though.

  • @Stephen

    Never in doubt.

    You were either posting pictures of yourself dressed as a Mario Bros mushroom to random internet sites or you've missed every point ever made on this one.

    Either way, it's quite a remarkable achievement. Chapeau.

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