New Rule: 52 (Plus a Guest Reverence)

Things are about to get serious…

With the writing of our first book supposedly well underway (but in reality being discussed ad-nauseum in the Boardroom rather than actually committed to text), The Rules have at least been getting some form of attention from The Keepers. When deciding which Rules each of us were to curate, no-one really had much idea what exactly was in there; ask me what Rule #64 is, and I’m giving you a blank stare.

So a list was drawn up, and we found some deadwood hiding away, dry and rotten and ready to be tossed into the fiery cauldron atop Mt Velomis. Yep, time for a burnin’. We get a good number of suggestions for new Rules weekly, some are pure gold, some warrant a sternly-worded rebuttal, but all are usually forgotten quickly as we are just too damned useless to actually commit them to the Canon Of Cycling Etiquette. Which is why this one comes from within our ranks; it’s easier than looking back through dozens of old emails.

Without further ado, we present the newest Rule, slotting in at #52, replacing one that if any of you can recall what it was, then you deserve accolades (or sympathy) for committing such nonsense to memory.

Rule #52 // Drink in Moderation.

Bidons are to be small in size. 500ml maximum, no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed. Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.

There you have it. Let the discussions/arguments/bitching begin.

In the meantime, nutcase Aussie/esteemed community member @harminator gives us his take on the humble (and definitely small) bidon.

Yours in Cycling,

Brett

REVERENCE: THE BIDON.

The history of cycling is punctuated by technological advancement. Some developments come in giant leaps while others evolve more slowly. Either way, the march of progress is well resourced and never tires. It seems like every second week there’s a new gadget, composite material or design innovation which is absolutely necessary. I mean who could possibly continue to exist without a laser-etched, co2-filled tyre lever forged from West Flandrian unobtanium. Right?

The bidon is the forgotten cousin in the technology family. Back in the day, transporting water away from its source was pure genius. We take it for granted now, but it’s the bidon that makes endurance bike riding possible. Without it we’d be limited to riding around tracks, beside streams or from the billabong to the waterhole. Just imagine the indignity of Moser slurping from a puddle Bear Grylls-style, or a Grand Tour with Evian mountain-top drinks breaks?

But for me, the real fascination of the bidon lies with two paradoxes. Regardez-vous:

The first relates to value. On the surface they seem absolutely critical. The team necessarily commits a couple of riders to work all day on the bottles: Drop back to the car, cram one in every available jersey space, toil back up to the bunch, distribute, repeat. But the bidon itself is worthless in comparison to its contents. To the Pro, it’s a glorified bar wrapper. Drink then discard. For the average Velominatus Budgetatus, the decadence is exhilarating. I can only imagine the moment in a young Pro’s life when he first gets to fling an empty to the side of the road. There must be no clearer sign that you’ve hit the big time.

Further, when the bidon gets tossed aside, it becomes infinitely valuable again. Spectators who go nuts for all the crap thrown out by the caravan have been known to trample their own ailing Grandmothers for the things. They salute as if they’ve won the fucking Stage when they souvenir a grotty piece of cheap plastic dripping with Belgian Toothpaste. In the world of the bike race spectator, the bidon is the ducks nuts.

The second paradox centres on its use. The bidon has become part of the glorious realm of cycling gamesmanship. A rider’s use of the bidon should not give anything away about his or her level of suffering. Many of us have felt the total demoralisation of inhaling wasps, trying to hold on to the group, when the rider in front takes a drink as if they’re sipping a Mojito by the pool. Don’t get played. It’s a standard show of strength and often all bluff. The bottle is probably empty. Conversely, if you’re about to expire from dehydration, it’s critical not to show it by guzzling lustily. You might as well announce that you’re suffering badly and that now would be a good time to attack.

In the world of the amateur group ride, the bidon can be a measuring stick for rider competency. You can tell a lot about a rider by the way they take a drink. When the new guy in the group keeps his eyes ahead, makes a clean pickup, drinks modestly, and re-cages surely, all the while observing Rule #59, you know they’ve got their shit together. But if they throw an empty to the side of the road, prepare to hang tough – things are be about to get very messy.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/bidons/”/]

Harminator

"The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain." Marx Found the bike relatively late in life after a mis-spent youth. Now cured, living in the Cairo sandpit, sneaking over the Med for various missions in agony and ecstasy.

View Comments

  • Two comments: First, my rain bike has a cage on the downtube and one on the handlebars, a situation unlikely to change because I like this setup. Second, I agree with many other commentators that long rides in warm conditions require more water than two bottles can deliver. In rural areas, where I do most of my riding, 100km gaps with no opportunities for a refill are common. My riding partners use camelbacks on these rides, and I'm not going to criticize them.

  • The question you should all be asking is - Is it possible to look fantastic with 750ml bidons on ones bike?  I say it is, therefore sometimes I'll follow this rule, sometimes I won't, depending on the climate and length of ride.  Knickers untwisted.

  • My 16 year old son just drank from the mountain streams on our ascent of the Tourmalet this July in 38C heat.

    Dehydration is not cool. No matter how col the bike looks, weaving all over the road and falling off is not a pro look. Take the drink you need to keep going. I'd rather take two 750ml bidons than stop to fill up. But,a Camelbak is just plain wrong, even if you're a Schlecklet trying to achieve an average time trial time.

  • Consider changing the wording from "rear mounted" to "seat tube mounted" as images of those rediculous seat rail mounted suppository hydration systems come to mind.

     Isn't  the seat tube cage for carrying  puncture repair kit and avoiding both the EPMS and unsightly baggage from pockets anyhow?

     

  • I try hard not to break the rules, I remove things from my bike which could be quite useful in isolated areas, I resist the temptation to use camelbaks when if anyone could justify them it would be me, and what do I get in return... retrospectively made into a rule-breaker.

    In light of this one-sided hatchet job I am stepping down as head of the Liestrong foundation (it's just like Livestrong, but without the V) and renouncing my endorsements from the Golden Sands Shwarma Palace and Laundry to concentrate on   exposing the Keepers as the metaphorical white pussycats on Jonathan Vaughter's lap.

  • @ChrisO

    I call bullshit on this... come to where I cycle so I can watch you die.

    Pros use small bottles because they have a car full of more bottles following them, and probably someone to go back and get them.

    If you're two hours away from the next water and the temperature is pushing 40C you want two of the biggest damn receptacles you can fit between the tubes and still manage to get out of the cage. If chopping off my balls meant more room for bottles I'd be singing falsetto.

    I'm fine with the matching of bidons to kit, Coke bidons etc, that's part of the image. But the size and number of bidons is going a bit literal. You might as well have a rule that we have to be followed by team cars and be capable of pushing out 5W/kg.

    I agree, I knew as I read through, this new Rule of 5ooml bottle, and one only would get a rise outta the group faster than a keg of good Belgian brew

    that said, I believe there is a balance that should be brought to the table.  Sure, if your out for recovery, and on a shorter easier ride, look PRO and abide by the Rule as stated.

    But Ranger/Velovita/itburns all have a point that I have to follow, in the heat of the Ozarkian summers where its ~100 with 90% humiditiy, i challenge anyone to ride for more than 30" per bottle, so if you grab 750ml bottles, your good for maybe 1 1/2 hr.   The aforementioned Rule must be tempered with a little of Merckx given common sense fella's

    Conversely, the Rule does make the good point, dammitall, we are to look the part, and matching kits and bidons are a part of it, and nothing is more PRO than tossing the thing in the ditch when your done.  I simply never have as I have not one domestique bringin the next matching bottle as replacement. Which sucks.

    So, my swiss heritage also makes me straddle the fence, which leads to blood in the saddle

  • I agree the two bidons for under two hours needs a validation for weather conditions permitting.

    @Blah

    What, exactly, is the basis of not drinking too much? I really want to hear this one...

    An athlete performs best when just slightly dehydrated...

  • @Blah

    In before the obvious objections to the one bidon under two hours nonsense. In some conditions, you just need more.

    What, exactly, is the basis of not drinking too much? I really want to hear this one...

    Because you're a pussy if you need more that one on a two hour ride.

    Next!

     
  • In temps less than 30C and/or only 2 hours 1 bottle is the norm in Belgium. the other cage may hold the repair kit!

  • @ironinthesoul I filled my three bidons in at lunch Luz Saint Sauveur, from the fountain in Bargeres and again from the tap at the mountain rescue place at the top end of the big car park at 1460m altitude. That was on a scorchio day as well. I was a bit knackered at that point.

    Two 500mm bottles wouldn't have been enough for that ride, Luz Saint Sauveur (120km into the ride and I'd already gone up the Hautacam) was the first opportunity I'd had to fill up and I didn't fill up again after the car park. By the time I got home I only needed to look at the first three beers for them to evaporate.

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