The Rules – They were never expected to become this well known. Nor was the list ever going to get this long or be taken this seriously. The Rules were first suggested as a few basic guidelines just to keep some basic civility and decorum on the road. But we took it too far (as we do everything) and now The Rules somehow define the Velominati, the inverse of intention. I use the communal ‘we’ as all Velominati share some responsibility in this.
In the spirit of a new year and spring cleaning, we have ourselves a Rules overhaul, with some New Rules to get excited about. Rule #38, #47, #79 and #81, we forget what those were, but we are moving on. For the official stone tablet version, refer to The Rules page.
- Rule #38 – Don’t leapfrog. Don’t ride back into a group that just passed you and ruin their pace, the pace that you couldn’t keep or you wouldn’t have been passed in the first place, and especially if you’ve been passed by women. Deal with it. You’ve been chicked, get used to it. There are a lot of badass women cyclists and they are going to pass your ass. @Jen gave us this Rule, suggested from personal experience and “getting chicked” is in the lexicon.
- Rule #47 – Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Brett was rightly offended by someone on our facebook page suggesting “kicking back with a Corona”. Everyone should be offended by this, even people who come from the land of that other great amber embarrassment, Fosters. I’m told they export it only, there should be a Rule about that. Thirty years ago we were all excited in the USA about the massive oil cans of this exotic Fosters, except you couldn’t chill it cold enough to not taste it and there was even more of it to be gagged down. Enough! Quality beer is a recovery drink. It makes you a better cyclist. OK, that’s a stretch, a happier cyclist then.
- Rule #79 – Fight for your town lines. From our good mate @Rob; “I was out yesterday to start the serious training for the 200 on 100. Met up with a group that were strong but have no race experience. We passed through at least five town lines and one double-point town/county line (nearby is my all time favorite triple – state/county/town). There should be a Rule that says something like “Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not into it”. Every time we went through without sprinting, it was like, what a waste – this is boring! And I’m not even saying I would have won any.” When @Rob speaks, I listen, especially when sprinting is the subject. And yes, he would have won most of those sprints. I miss those rides: mindlessly rolling along when from behind, someone opens up a huge handlebar throwing sprint for a town line that everyone else is too dumb to realize is right up the road. Trash talking ensues, it’s all a way to pass the k’s, amuse each other and hone your sprint. Or nervously clicking ergo shifters so people close by hear and think you are preparing for the big shift and sprint as the town line approaches, forcing someone to do something as the ergo-clicker does nothing but rides along with a dumb grin on his face.
- Rule #81 – Don’t talk it up. Cruel but fair, tempting as it is to talk about one’s most recent road rash to one’s cycling buddies but really, if you are still riding, how bad could it have been? And it was probably your own fault so better to keep quiet. @MarkyMark gave us this gem then he disappeared. MarkyMark come back, you’re famous now.
- Rule #88 – Don’t surge. A rule concerning the mechanics of group riding: when in a paceline, ride the tempo, before you tire, pull off, slow enough to drift to the back as the line ride through. It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front. Thanks to John Perry, Sydney Cycling Club for Rule #88.
So there you have it, a slew of new Rules for you to meditate on, discuss amongst yourselves, and of course, Obey.
View Comments
@Toenails
That's a beer? I had wondered what the cappuccino was doing next to the Tripel bottle.
@Toenails
you've never been to Amsterdam, not only do they pour it like that but they slice off the excess with a dull knife. you gotta see it to believe it!!!
And Rules don't change numbers!
I learned this yesterday. Don't read the Rules right after waking up and not putting your glasses on.
@Blah
PMSL :D First thing I thought as well. You Yanks... ;D
@zalamanda
European beer ends up looking more like a Mr Whippy. Best bet is a pint of traditional luke warm, flat English ale like Ye Olde Fruity Badger, or Bishops Fartberry Rumblepants. Carbs you back up in no time and cleans out your inards better than a bottle of limescale remover.
Trainer intervals for past violations of Rule #88 for this guy. But shit man, when you have the legs and the twats in the group ride would rather bullshit than work, what else is there to do but tighten the screw a smidge?
Gianni, just genius. Women, beer and town lines! No other could do it so well - end.
I love the Rules - they are the litmus of twatdom. If someone thinks they are what its all about or conversely thinks they are for shite then you know they are bone headed.
May the Keepers keep refining and building - 101 Rules sounds good to me.
I agree with the surge rule. I usually let the donkey ride off the front until they finally realize they are all alone, only to slow down and be quickly overtaken by the paceline. With that said, there is a technique of slowly and smoothly ramping up the pace over the course of a long pull to avoid the unintended recovery ride.
@Marko
Ride at the front longer not harder..thus you gain in the long run and they don't then you kill them another time. Simples!
@Toenails
Well said, why do they do that in Europe?