New Rules
The Rules – They were never expected to become this well known. Nor was the list ever going to get this long or be taken this seriously. The Rules were first suggested as a few basic guidelines just to keep some basic civility and decorum on the road. But we took it too far (as we do everything) and now The Rules somehow define the Velominati, the inverse of intention. I use the communal ‘we’ as all Velominati share some responsibility in this.
In the spirit of a new year and spring cleaning, we have ourselves a Rules overhaul, with some New Rules to get excited about. Rule #38, #47, #79 and #81, we forget what those were, but we are moving on. For the official stone tablet version, refer to The Rules page.
- Rule #38 – Don’t leapfrog. Don’t ride back into a group that just passed you and ruin their pace, the pace that you couldn’t keep or you wouldn’t have been passed in the first place, and especially if you’ve been passed by women. Deal with it. You’ve been chicked, get used to it. There are a lot of badass women cyclists and they are going to pass your ass. @Jen gave us this Rule, suggested from personal experience and “getting chicked” is in the lexicon.
- Rule #47 – Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Brett was rightly offended by someone on our facebook page suggesting “kicking back with a Corona”. Everyone should be offended by this, even people who come from the land of that other great amber embarrassment, Fosters. I’m told they export it only, there should be a Rule about that. Thirty years ago we were all excited in the USA about the massive oil cans of this exotic Fosters, except you couldn’t chill it cold enough to not taste it and there was even more of it to be gagged down. Enough! Quality beer is a recovery drink. It makes you a better cyclist. OK, that’s a stretch, a happier cyclist then.
- Rule #79 – Fight for your town lines. From our good mate @Rob; “I was out yesterday to start the serious training for the 200 on 100. Met up with a group that were strong but have no race experience. We passed through at least five town lines and one double-point town/county line (nearby is my all time favorite triple – state/county/town). There should be a Rule that says something like “Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not into it”. Every time we went through without sprinting, it was like, what a waste – this is boring! And I’m not even saying I would have won any.” When @Rob speaks, I listen, especially when sprinting is the subject. And yes, he would have won most of those sprints. I miss those rides: mindlessly rolling along when from behind, someone opens up a huge handlebar throwing sprint for a town line that everyone else is too dumb to realize is right up the road. Trash talking ensues, it’s all a way to pass the k’s, amuse each other and hone your sprint. Or nervously clicking ergo shifters so people close by hear and think you are preparing for the big shift and sprint as the town line approaches, forcing someone to do something as the ergo-clicker does nothing but rides along with a dumb grin on his face.
- Rule #81 – Don’t talk it up. Cruel but fair, tempting as it is to talk about one’s most recent road rash to one’s cycling buddies but really, if you are still riding, how bad could it have been? And it was probably your own fault so better to keep quiet. @MarkyMark gave us this gem then he disappeared. MarkyMark come back, you’re famous now.
- Rule #88 – Don’t surge. A rule concerning the mechanics of group riding: when in a paceline, ride the tempo, before you tire, pull off, slow enough to drift to the back as the line ride through. It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front. Thanks to John Perry, Sydney Cycling Club for Rule #88.
So there you have it, a slew of new Rules for you to meditate on, discuss amongst yourselves, and of course, Obey.
Like this one you mean…
Absolutely lovely!
Personally I make do with a retro La Vie Claire shirt….
Drinking Corona is like wearing a YJA, it demonstrates you are a cyclist/beer drinker and that you have no self respect. Just said.
@marko
Damn straight. Then again I enjoy me a Stella as my go to beer. I’m sure I’ll get shit for saying that but I don’t care.
@Chris
Probably my regional bias, but I keep a case of this stuff around during the summer just for that purpose:
Plus, once the guns have sufficiently recovered, it’s great to sip while charring some meat on the grill.
@marko
I’ll generally go with a pilsner or one of the summer seasonsal beers like NB’s ‘blue canoe’ or ‘skinny-dip’ when I am looking for hop-based recovery refreshment on the light side.
@The Oracle
My first hangover was on the north woods swill. Won’t touch it ever again. Also won’t touch any brown ales. Brings back bad memories.
I also won’t touch MN pride Summit. Gross.
@The Oracle
yea, no doubt there are always a few Leinenkugles in our icebox during the summer also. My VH is from northern Wisc. Highpoint of one of my innagural trips to the great white north was a quick detour by the Chippewa Falls plant.
@RedRanger
Summit makes good drinkable beer. But the pride of MN is Surly – not the poseur bikes but the brewery. Surly is way out front. The Furious is the go to but for ultra top end take the pepsi challenge with anything in the world (seriously) the Surly Smoke is off the hook.
@marko
If you want to win an argument, avoid reason and fact. Stick to broad sweeping statements and wild generalisation.
With all due respect, what with you being a keeper and all, but that is just shallow and wrong. On Saturday night (or Sunday morning) my mate Alex and I were at our most awesomest while we were trying to ride various bike around in the the fresh fluffy snow. If we hadn’t been drinking beer then we probably would have realised that we were being at bit silly, ergo, the beer we were drinking made us awesome. The beer was Corona.
@marko
It’s a moot point now. Can’t get either down here. But I was never a fan of Summit and lived up the road from the brewery. Surly was good.
@RedRanger
Too bad. I know how that goes–Woodchuck cider is permanently ruined for me for the same reason.
I’m a fan of reds and ambers, and I pretty much stick to local brews, so Leinie’s Red and Sprecher Amber are always on my short list. As far as ales go, there’s nothing better than a Spotted Cow to go with a Cheesehead Dreamburger from the Chancery in Milwaukee. Yum.
@Mikael Liddy
Pink Baum. Sweet.
@Mikael Liddy
Hot. But it needs some white bar tape at the least.
@Barry Roubaix
Well said!
@sthilzy
by the way, seeing the picture above the article, this is a real Tripel Karmeliet glass. Which would you prefer?
@The Oracle
One of many post Cogal options:
@Sam
COMPLETELY agree.
Man, crits just do not have the same feeling as a long RR. It seems impossible to really get a feel for the road, the group, and lay strategy in a 30 to 45 minute race. After three hours in the saddle and hauling up another climb, that’s when you know what you are made of. That’s when it hurts the most to see that last wheel creeping away from you and you just bury yourself beyond belief to hold that wheel. That’s when a bond is formed between yourself and whoever is still left on the road with you. Man, THAT is racing to me.
Crits are hard and hurt, no doubt, but they just are not “true” racing to me (whatever that means).
@Chris
I think that’s the first time I’ve been accused of being factual on here. And I think the feeling you and your friend had is called Dutch Courage.
PBR and a flannel shirt! Nice.
If you are ever in the land of headwinds known as the Canadian Prairies, ask for a Pilsner. Locally made in Lthbridge, Alberta and drank exclusively by anyone from Saskatchewan. It is as upscale as deer sausage and well…Pilsner.
And what is up with Corona? There ae better Mexican beers than that “plonk.”
@Dan_R
Some of us in the PNW still think Kurt Cobain is alive and well……….
@Chris
I can see the first thing on my Tasks List for Belgium is to be in charge of getting a taxi at the end of the evening
All these pictures of cold beer, no matter how cyclitically incorrect some of them may be, are making me thoroughly thirsty, which is not helping me get through to 8pm at work today….. a bit of sensitivity please, for those of us pretending to be earning an honest crust
That said, I have this little puppy waiting in the ferridge for me when I dismount from the ride home afterwards
fricking georgeous
@Marko
You misunderstand me, I was suggesting that I couldn’t win because there was nothing to argue with. It’s a pointless argument without beer, anyway, so let’s continue it on the Keeper’s Tour.
Dutch courage, possibly, but we’d still have been out there trying to ride in the snow, we just wouldn’t have been giggling like kids.
@scaler911
Arg. For some reason all I’m seeing is a little red X.
@The Oracle
Never mind. Cured by F5.
@scaler911
I was going to pass a facetious comment about the shirt too, so thanks for getting in there first Scaler!
@scaler911
That, or the flannel is being worn ironically (just as the PBR is being drunk ironically), and is covering up full-colored tattoos of dragons and skulls and stuff.
@Dr C
Great, we have a volunteer for the position of Designated Responsible Adult! Will you also act in the capacity of Kebab Prevention Officer?
@Chris
be careful with snow and drink, I once tried to swim across a swimming pool full of snow in Canada many moons ago, in my boxers (actually there were several of us in serious competition, as always) – all good fun until we couldn’t get out and nearly died of group hypothermia
@Dr C
That’s just pathetic Doc, keep these stories to yerself in future
@Chris
Second on my list is finding a decent kebab shop late of an evening
@Chris
Sorry, but Corona, Miller, and PBR are all in the same category. There is something fundamentally wrong with any beer requiring you to add a lime or tabasco sauce in order to give it some flavor.
Want a light, refreshing beer? Have a Stella, or if it must be mexican, even dos equis which is more palatable than Corona.
@RedRanger
The old one or the new one? The old one was boss, they died a little when they moved.
@frank
Or if it’s getting late and desperate, Costco Ipa………
@frank
I’m guessing the new one down west 7th. Near Mickeys diner.
Yup the good old West End. Some really good memories and some really bad ones.
Tecate is my go-to Mexican cheap beer. Love it during the summer.
Then again I’ve watched my share of foot-bol whilst drinking copious amounts of Miller Lite.
I figure if you don’t drink the crap once in awhile, you can’t truly enjoy the good stuff for what it is.
If anyone has input on the validity of the current picture, please take a number.
@Dan_R
For what its worth, @Scaler lives in the land of headwinds call the Hood Fucking River, one of the most famous places for wind surfing. Its famous for a fucking reason: 55kmph headwinds ain’t no joke.
@scaler911
*ahem* I’ll be killing myself then…
@mcsqueak
That’s the kind of mystery I prefer to leave “unsolved”.
@frank
For us in the flat lands, wind is our mountain. I only know that the wind can knock over moving semis on the highway – I try not to ride on those days. We did have a time trial once during heavy gusts, adn some idiots tried to use aerobars and disc wheels. I stayed in the drops and kept upright.
And for a delivery from the complaint department…
@frank
Have mercy on @JC Belgium, I think he may not yet be aware of the significance of the Hallowed Goblet, and I am sure was merely pointing out due reverence for the Tripel vessel, rather than conclude any degree of comparison between blah blah blah blah blah, must get back to work….
@Buck Rogers
i must confess i have only ever done a crit or two but thats just because they’re accessible
it’s the first RR/crit thing of the year this saturday at Croft, is 4 laps of a motor circuit = 45mins so not sure what you wanna call it. Pulling on the jersey for an actual team as well and man i’m a ball of nerves and excitement just looking for a solid start to the season. I just prefer the idea of being out for hours getting know those in the race and reacting to a break or not depending on the scenario as opposed to the crit i just have to hang on cos they’re not coming back type thing
@Dr C
Qué?
I am innocent! the picture above the article keeps changing, I saw some serious Anti-Beer – the Tripel Karmeliet in a wine glass or something…
Rule #88 needs to be posted along the roads ’round here. On the past few groups rides I’ve done there has been constant surging as well as someone riding three abreast for far too long, as if they haven’t noticed it’s a double paceline. It’s been pissing me off a lot, especially because most of these jerks should/do know better.
I think I bent the Rules a bit. After weeks of trying to sort out a recabling job I conceded defeat and took my bike to the shop today. Crazy internal routing, housing seized to the TT for my rear brake cable & despite searching high & low, could never find the proper sized cable liner to make the recabling job easy. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for some 1.75mm liner…
I decided I was spending more time looking at German industrial supply sites than I was riding, so I had to give up & move on, something I’m not very good at.
Rule #88 should be titled “Either pull, pull-through or pull-off (and no surging!)”. Nothing frustrates me more than noobies who don’t have a clue about the rules of riding a pace line. Of course all town lines must be contested after which we resume the pace line. Peace!
@Ron
Three abreast on a double paceline should be a shootable offence – I f..ing hate that – just smacks of arrogance, which is a big word for fuckingrude
@Sam
Awesome for you to be out racing again this weekend.
I have raced the last two weekends, the first one a road race of just under 60 k and the race last weekend was a “circuit” race which only lasted 30 minutes, but at least it was a 4 k circuit with a decent climb on every lap.
I know what you mean about nerves and excitement, there is nothing like lining up for a race to get your heart rate up in my opinion.
I do not know how much RR’ing you have done but it just gets better and better and you weed out the deadwood so much more in the 3 to 4 hour races. Guys that can hang and kill it on a 30 minute crit are out the back after about 90 minutes or so.
Should be a new rule that only races lasting longer than two hours really “count” toward Hard Man points!
But I am most probably biased as I suck at the 1 k, 6 corner, 30 minute crit races!
But, crits are better than group rides b/c at least you are officially racing and “in the arena”. It seems hard to find RR these days as they are so much harder to put on than a crit, but if you can find one, I totally encourage you to give it a go. Totally different feel to them from crits.
@Dan_R
NICE poster. Need that one for my office!
@mcsqueak
I like Modelo myself. It’s available here in Southern California, but I’m not sure about the rest of the country.
Beer arguments are pointless. I’m not ashamed of any of the brews I drink. I’ll drink a Corona with a meal sometimes, and it doesn’t keep me from kicking ass on the road. So, The Rules are giving me dietary advice now, too?
For the sake of conversation, though, my go-to beer is Samuel Adams Boston Lager, which I will put up against any beer in the world, Belgian, Dutch, Czech, whatever.
@Calmante
Sam Adams? Bwahahahahah!!!! You’re killing me dude.