New Rules
The Rules – They were never expected to become this well known. Nor was the list ever going to get this long or be taken this seriously. The Rules were first suggested as a few basic guidelines just to keep some basic civility and decorum on the road. But we took it too far (as we do everything) and now The Rules somehow define the Velominati, the inverse of intention. I use the communal ‘we’ as all Velominati share some responsibility in this.
In the spirit of a new year and spring cleaning, we have ourselves a Rules overhaul, with some New Rules to get excited about. Rule #38, #47, #79 and #81, we forget what those were, but we are moving on. For the official stone tablet version, refer to The Rules page.
- Rule #38 – Don’t leapfrog. Don’t ride back into a group that just passed you and ruin their pace, the pace that you couldn’t keep or you wouldn’t have been passed in the first place, and especially if you’ve been passed by women. Deal with it. You’ve been chicked, get used to it. There are a lot of badass women cyclists and they are going to pass your ass. @Jen gave us this Rule, suggested from personal experience and “getting chicked” is in the lexicon.
- Rule #47 – Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples. Brett was rightly offended by someone on our facebook page suggesting “kicking back with a Corona”. Everyone should be offended by this, even people who come from the land of that other great amber embarrassment, Fosters. I’m told they export it only, there should be a Rule about that. Thirty years ago we were all excited in the USA about the massive oil cans of this exotic Fosters, except you couldn’t chill it cold enough to not taste it and there was even more of it to be gagged down. Enough! Quality beer is a recovery drink. It makes you a better cyclist. OK, that’s a stretch, a happier cyclist then.
- Rule #79 – Fight for your town lines. From our good mate @Rob; “I was out yesterday to start the serious training for the 200 on 100. Met up with a group that were strong but have no race experience. We passed through at least five town lines and one double-point town/county line (nearby is my all time favorite triple – state/county/town). There should be a Rule that says something like “Town lines must be contested or at least faked if you’re not into it”. Every time we went through without sprinting, it was like, what a waste – this is boring! And I’m not even saying I would have won any.” When @Rob speaks, I listen, especially when sprinting is the subject. And yes, he would have won most of those sprints. I miss those rides: mindlessly rolling along when from behind, someone opens up a huge handlebar throwing sprint for a town line that everyone else is too dumb to realize is right up the road. Trash talking ensues, it’s all a way to pass the k’s, amuse each other and hone your sprint. Or nervously clicking ergo shifters so people close by hear and think you are preparing for the big shift and sprint as the town line approaches, forcing someone to do something as the ergo-clicker does nothing but rides along with a dumb grin on his face.
- Rule #81 – Don’t talk it up. Cruel but fair, tempting as it is to talk about one’s most recent road rash to one’s cycling buddies but really, if you are still riding, how bad could it have been? And it was probably your own fault so better to keep quiet. @MarkyMark gave us this gem then he disappeared. MarkyMark come back, you’re famous now.
- Rule #88 – Don’t surge. A rule concerning the mechanics of group riding: when in a paceline, ride the tempo, before you tire, pull off, slow enough to drift to the back as the line ride through. It’s not rocket science, impress people by keeping the pace, not upping the speed when you get to the front. Thanks to John Perry, Sydney Cycling Club for Rule #88.
So there you have it, a slew of new Rules for you to meditate on, discuss amongst yourselves, and of course, Obey.
I am dismayed at the sight of cyclists who have dismounted on a hill and are walking their bikes. There must surely be a rule against this abomination, asides from the quite obvious breach of Rule #5. May I respectfully suggest a rule:
A cyclist should never, ever, dismount on a hill to walk, no matter how steep it is or how hard it gets (see Rule #5). The only exceptions to this rule are if you have been involved in an accident and your injuries are serious enough to prohibit your continuation, or if your dodgy doctor has given you a bad blood bag. In either case it is permissible to walk until such time as an ambulance arrives.
cheers,
The Tinman
@The Tinman
Having been caught bang to rights by a magazine photographer walking up a 30%er post tyre traction loss I’m conflicted here. I think if it was “keep going until traction gives out on your rear tyre or you lose consciousness” then I’d be happy. Obviously not walking up hills is an accepted guideline but where does that leave you if you’re racing up the Koppenberg and everyone in front falls off (although clearly the idea is to make sure that there’s no one in front of you when you get to the Koppenberg)?
@The Tinman You should run this little theory of yours by this guy first.
@The Tinman
Nay nay and thrice nay! If memory serves correctly there are some incrimating photographs of Keepers attendees on the Koppenburg from last year and if the text were to be believed much of it was not due to lack of V but merely rear wheel slip on gradients so steep as to make it impossible to remount once you have lost traction. Those who have attended Hardknock Pass here in the UK will possibly also atest to this phenomenon.
@Deakus
Never been to Hardknock but Hardknott was bloody awful – hence current attempt to lose large amounts of body weight.
@the Engine
Fingers and brain not sinking correctly today!! Well corrected!
@Deakus
I’m such a pedant I make @Minion look happy-go-lucky
@Deakus And did you mean “syncing” or was that just a cracking gag?
@the Engine
I am not that witty….I type fast but my fingers work a bit like abdoujaparovs elbows in a sprint!
@Deakus
Now THAT is a Velominati worthy analogy!
@Deakus
Sheesh, don’t put your eye out!
Please, can we have a rule for those faggots who carry their road bikes on their car, rather than RIDING them? Something along the lines of
Thou shalt not travel with your bike on a car (or other motorised vehicle), except when