Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

gilly says:

Apr 18 2015 at 3:17 pm

@Ron

I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

(And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

My mother told me that when the ice cream van man played his tune it was because he had run out of ice cream
wiscot says:

Apr 18 2015 at 4:38 pm

@the Engine

@brett

@frank

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

What the fuck are you two talking about?

This:

It’s like that scene in “2001 a Space Odyssey” – after @Frank breaks Alexandre’s favourite pliers, he throws the parts in the air and we cut to a spaceship about a million years later

As an aside, @Frank‘s chimp suit is way more convincing that the one Kubrick made his actors wear

Yeah, what's up with the sleeves on that jacket? Are they half-length or what?
wiscot says:

Apr 18 2015 at 4:43 pm

@mattb

Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

Wait a minute……

I as so pissed of last year - late September to be precise. There I was all psyched up for the Heck of he North. I was registered and paid the fee and all. I work with a lot of ladies (11 to 1 in a recent meeting) and they know I need bit more testosterone around me. There I was, all ready to go to Minnesota and meet up with men I've never actually met (only on the internet), who shave their legs and bunk down at Marko's compound. They were genuinely disappointed for me when work got in the way.

No such issues expected this year as my calendar looks nice and clear.
Mikael Liddy says:

Apr 19 2015 at 7:51 pm

@frank

@brett

@mattb

Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

Wait a minute……

I could probably jump over the ditch for that…

That’s what Cogals are for – @mattb, go ahead and organize one; it’s a great way to get to extend our community into the real world.

http://www.velominati.com/cogals/

If you guys ever publish the write up from this year's TDU Cogal he would know all about the fun he's missed.
frank says:

Apr 21 2015 at 5:49 am

@gilly

@Ron

I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

(And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

My mother told me that when the ice cream van man played his tune it was because he had run out of ice cream
frank says:

Apr 21 2015 at 5:56 am

@wiscot

Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

http://www.patagonia.com/us/product/mens-hybrid-down-jacket-for-skiing-and-snowboarding?p=31300-1

@Mikael Liddy

Did we miss something there?
Chris says:

Apr 21 2015 at 6:12 am

@frank

@wiscot

Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

I take it the Watchers of the Wax don't have a Rule that states //Hybrid Down Jackets are for Skiing only and can certainly never be worn whilst murdering tools?

They should consider it.
Teocalli says:

Apr 21 2015 at 6:31 am

@Ron

I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.

I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.

The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.

(And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)

Rhubarb - Guns that have been germinating in the dark over winter lit with nowt but candlelight and are fresh and sweet to bring out in the Spring.
DeKerr says:

Apr 21 2015 at 8:42 am

@Chris

@frank

@wiscot

Its a hybrid down jacket, meant for using as a layer under your waterproof barrier when skiing, but a little bit too awesome to only use for that purpose.

I take it the Watchers of the Wax don’t have a Rule that states //Hybrid Down Jackets are for Skiing only and can certainly never be worn whilst murdering tools?

They should consider it.

Yes. Far be it from me to question @frank's sartorial choices, but when he showed up at the cogal of the falling leaves (aka "@eightzero bails again" or "@cognition donates skin") wearing that thing I was left wondering if he was having a mid-nineties euro flashback.
Mikael Liddy says:

Apr 21 2015 at 5:38 pm

@frank the Cogal report has been sitting in the drafts queue for a while, that's all.