Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Apr 15 2015 at 6:54 pm

@Oli

@frank

@Oli

@Peter Dixon

The Lion riding S-Works does not surprise me, he was riding one in Rouleur the other month. In my humble opinion he should be astride a Colnago with Shimano, as a nod to Mapei…

I just don’t understand why he isn’t riding his own branded bikes wtf.

http://www.museeuw-bicycles.com/

He was ousted from his own company (he’d sold 55% of it to someone or other). His mechanic Ronnie still rides a sterling Museeuw, but he won’t look at it or touch it…Ronnie asked him to hold it and he pawned it off to one of us immediately.

Has a good sense of humor about it though…

Jesus, that’s a bit rank! Understandable reaction from Johan then, and another bike brand added to my shit list.

Had something to do with him wanting to keep making it in Belgium and the people "worried about profits" wanting to take it to China.

I ride a Chinese carbon frame and love it - it took 9 days of cobbles like a champ - but I can see both sides and would love a Belgian-made frame.

Either way, he's got a great gig now with a reality tv show, TV commentating, and a training/coaching clinic.
Mikael Liddy says:

Apr 15 2015 at 6:57 pm

@frank

Reality TV?
PeakInTwoYears says:

Apr 15 2015 at 9:43 pm

I do not understand why @The Engine should be having this trouble with his bib shorts. He is not small. He is, rather, quite on the large size. I am small; I understand having to struggle with excess bib short. I deal with this every time I kit up. So I'm mystified by 1) how his bib shorts could be so long and 2) how this mysterious condition is rectified.

Oh, and I hate you all who were there.
asyax says:

Apr 15 2015 at 10:30 pm

Thank you @Frank for the public shaming - yes "winter is coming", however I shall attempt to adopt the correct attire (there is as far as I can see no Rule about toe-covers, more a guideline).

And whilst we are talking about temperature, if #Rule #24 is good enough to adopt the metric system, why do northern hemisphere Velominati insist on all this Fahrenheit talk.... what???.... Celsius please. If it is good enough for the Belgians, well, enough said!

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule#94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool - photos please anyone?
cognition says:

Apr 15 2015 at 10:36 pm

As I'm all too aware of my own multitude of sins, there's no way I'm calling anyone else out.
markb says:

Apr 15 2015 at 11:01 pm

@asyax

And whilst we are talking about temperature, if #Rule #24 is good enough to adopt the metric system, why do northern hemisphere Velominati insist on all this Fahrenheit talk…. what???…. Celsius please. If it is good enough for the Belgians, well, enough said!

This.
pistard says:

Apr 15 2015 at 11:18 pm

@asyax

And whilst we are talking about temperature, if #Rule #24 is good enough to adopt the metric system, why do northern hemisphere Velominati insist on all this Fahrenheit talk…. what???…. Celsius please. If it is good enough for the Belgians, well, enough said!

Don't blame a whole hemisphere, most of the world uses Celsius. There are only five countries that officially use Fahrenheit, and four of them total less than a million people together.
KogaLover says:

Apr 16 2015 at 1:00 am

@Haldy

Can only say I am truly excited that it will be translated into Dutch soon! I am still trying to get to grips with all the English descriptions of bicycle parts (thanks Sheldon Brown) so I can understand the Rules and the commentaries. However for any LBS visits, that's utterly useless since living in Switzerland means that even standard German words meet empty faces.

@Frank

While we're at it: if there are right now 2 English versions (English and American), you should consider to have 2 Dutch versions: ABN and Flemish (and why not add South African?). I think the Belgians deserve that.

And if you are considering to straddle the KT16 across Belgium and Italy, then I am hoping you will embed a bit of the Tour de Suisse in it!
Chris says:

Apr 16 2015 at 1:13 am

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned Rule 18 yet. There have been a few examples kicking around but the worse of them involves an unforgivable use of V-bibs with other kit. Unsurprisingly, it's @The Engine again but surely the greatest Rule infraction must be attributed to the two Keepers present who allowed Ivor to get further than the front door dressed like that. Not only was it a Rule 3 failure but Rule 2.

On a truly fucking epic scale.

Hang your heads in shame.

KT15 should hereafter be referred to as the Kit Confusion Cogal.

Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?

My V-jersey's zip has failed so I'm limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.
Chris says:

Apr 16 2015 at 1:20 am

@frank got my order in for the Rouleur Rules the other day. Should be arriving today. Looks awesome on the Rouleur website. Chapeau.

Can't wait for the t-shirt, it's not going to have @rich-mitch artwork is it? That would be truly outstanding.