Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Chris says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:07 am

@the Engine

@Chris

I’m surprised no-one has mentioned Rule #18 yet. There have been a few examples kicking around but the worse of them involves an unforgivable use of V-bibs with other kit. Unsurprisingly, it’s @The Engine again but surely the greatest Rule infraction must be attributed to the two Keepers present who allowed Ivor to get further than the front door dressed like that. Not only was it a Rule #3 failure but Rule #2.

On a truly fucking epic scale.

Hang your heads in shame.

KT15 should hereafter be referred to as the Kit Confusion Cogal.

Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?

My V-jersey’s zip has failed so I’m limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.

You’ll note that in this picture there are wires coming out of my cap and Frank has connected me to a prototype Keepers Thought Control Machine.

It doesn’t work.

It was the Translation Module that failed. Apparently the two coding languages, dutch/american and scots are quite incompatible.
freddy says:

Apr 16 2015 at 7:17 am

Thanks Frank--we all need a good kick in the ass every once in a while.
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 7:41 am

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

What the fuck are you two talking about?
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 7:42 am

@the Engine

@Chris

I’m surprised no-one has mentioned Rule #18 yet. There have been a few examples kicking around but the worse of them involves an unforgivable use of V-bibs with other kit. Unsurprisingly, it’s @The Engine again but surely the greatest Rule infraction must be attributed to the two Keepers present who allowed Ivor to get further than the front door dressed like that. Not only was it a Rule #3 failure but Rule #2.

On a truly fucking epic scale.

Hang your heads in shame.

KT15 should hereafter be referred to as the Kit Confusion Cogal.

Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?

My V-jersey’s zip has failed so I’m limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.

You’ll note that in this picture there are wires coming out of my cap and Frank has connected me to a prototype Keepers Thought Control Machine.

It doesn’t work.

That's what I told you it was. It was actually just a marionette system.

Which also didn't work.
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 7:42 am

@the Engine

I like the one where I’m wearing a windmill

You tried it on, but it was too small for you head and you couldn't get it to stay on straight.
VirenqueForever says:

Apr 16 2015 at 8:01 am

@PeakInTwoYears

I do not understand why @The Engine should be having this trouble with his bib shorts. He is not small. He is, rather, quite on the large size. I am small; I understand having to struggle with excess bib short. I deal with this every time I kit up. So I’m mystified by 1) how his bib shorts could be so long and 2) how this mysterious condition is rectified.

Oh, and I hate you all who were there.

Take the lead from Niki's Mom :
What a nice lady…Niki Terpstra: “My mom makes my race jersey even more tight and aerodynamic”
From Niki’s twitter
Ron says:

Apr 16 2015 at 8:48 am

Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not "business casual", slippers aren't worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear...(or worse, granny pannies!)

*And before you get worried, I'm not off my meds! It's official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don't need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I'm beyond medicinal correction.
DeKerr says:

Apr 16 2015 at 9:45 am

@pistard

@asyax

And whilst we are talking about temperature, if #Rule #24 is good enough to adopt the metric system, why do northern hemisphere Velominati insist on all this Fahrenheit talk…. what???…. Celsius please. If it is good enough for the Belgians, well, enough said!

Don’t blame a whole hemisphere, most of the world uses Celsius. There are only five countries that officially use Fahrenheit, and four of them total less than a million people together.

In addition, those 4 other countries have never experienced a temperature that would require a "-" in front of the numeral on either scale since the invention of the bicycle.
brett says:

Apr 16 2015 at 10:04 am

@Chris

@brett

@Chris

Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

I was wondering where you were in that photo.

I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

I'd long given up on both l'engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.
Teocalli says:

Apr 16 2015 at 10:57 am

@frank

@the Engine

@Chris

You’ll note that in this picture there are wires coming out of my cap and Frank has connected me to a prototype Keepers Thought Control Machine.

It doesn’t work.

That’s what I told you it was. It was actually just a marionette system.

Which also didn’t work.

The pink and the blue wires are definitely crossed over - which probably explains the kit.