Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

Apr 16 2015 at 11:00 am

@Ron

Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)

*And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.

Re getting warmer. Skin is finally seeing the light of day for the first time in some months, yeah. Though car drivers are complaining about the reflected sunlight. What are the rules around fake tan..............
Ron says:

Apr 16 2015 at 11:45 am

Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they'd be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

While winter sucks for various reasons (bibs becoming a girdle, riding on ice, etc.) there is nothing as bad as the start of spring when the Guns finally emerge from the leg warmers and they're so pale you don't even like to stare at your own legs.
Chris says:

Apr 16 2015 at 12:11 pm

As long as your use masking tape to ensure your tan lines remain sharp... Or would it be regarded as Tan Line Doping?
wiscot says:

Apr 16 2015 at 12:13 pm

@Ron

Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

While winter sucks for various reasons (bibs becoming a girdle, riding on ice, etc.) there is nothing as bad as the start of spring when the Guns finally emerge from the leg warmers and they’re so pale you don’t even like to stare at your own legs.

I know! We've been flirting with temps in the high 60s a couple of times here in SE Wisconsin. Not quite warm enough for just shorts. I'm both looking forward to/dreading those first rides with shorts as my legs are so friggin pale, it's quite frightening.Wearing white shoes and socks helps offset the glare, but not by much . . .
Gianni says:

Apr 16 2015 at 12:20 pm

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

And it's not me either.
Teocalli says:

Apr 16 2015 at 12:54 pm

@Gianni

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

And it’s not me either.

We're rapidly running short on candidates.............a full confession is going to be due by default.
Gianni says:

Apr 16 2015 at 2:07 pm

@Teocalli

@Gianni

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

And it’s not me either.

We’re rapidly running short on candidates………….a full confession is going to be due by default.

There is always Marko, or Jim. They do live. But since only Frank and Brett were in Norther France and Belgium and Brett does some wrenching in a bike shop for a living, a certain DM is under suspicion. I'm just saying.

That's not to say I haven't f'ed up a tool or two in my centuries of bike maintenance.
gilly says:

Apr 16 2015 at 2:20 pm

@Ron

Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

While winter sucks for various reasons (bibs becoming a girdle, riding on ice, etc.) there is nothing as bad as the start of spring when the Guns finally emerge from the leg warmers and they’re so pale you don’t even like to stare at your own legs.

First day sans knee warmers today @Ron, not a pretty sight. Reminded me to fetch a couple of bottles of milk though.
gilly says:

Apr 16 2015 at 2:22 pm
the Engine says:

Apr 16 2015 at 3:40 pm

@Gianni

@Teocalli

@Gianni

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

And it’s not me either.

We’re rapidly running short on candidates………….a full confession is going to be due by default.

There is always Marko, or Jim. They do live. But since only Frank and Brett were in Norther France and Belgium and Brett does some wrenching in a bike shop for a living, a certain DM is under suspicion. I’m just saying.

That’s not to say I haven’t f’ed up a tool or two in my centuries of bike maintenance.

We're talking hammer pliers interface here aren't we? Alexandre's special family heirloom pliers...