Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:26 pm

@Ron

Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)

*And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.

This is my favorite post in the history of the site.
markb says:

Apr 16 2015 at 11:41 pm

@piwakawaka

@PeakInTwoYears

3 taps?

one for cold, one for water in Fahrenheit and one for Celsius .
mattb says:

Apr 17 2015 at 12:31 am

Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don't know off the internet.

Wait a minute......
Teocalli says:

Apr 17 2015 at 1:19 am

@markb

@piwakawaka

@PeakInTwoYears

3 taps?

one for cold, one for water in Fahrenheit and one for Celsius .

Hot, cold, beer - what could be simpler?
ErikdR says:

Apr 17 2015 at 2:54 am

I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate "HTFU".
KogaLover says:

Apr 17 2015 at 2:58 am

@frank

Was back in the NLs over Easter and bought Tim Krabbé's De Renner. I saw the English excerpts on the internet but I always prefer to read (if I can manage the language) the original. Also bought his latest book "71 wielerverhalen" at the same time.We should have him write the intro to the Dutch translation of the Rules? Or van Dam? Dekker? Raas? Prikkeldraad? You name it!

The TDF will start this year in Utrecht, and the railwaymuseum has a special exhibition dedicated to cycling. It even has the wooden post that Prikkeldraad hit when he got his nickname...

Probably you should not translate "the Rules" into "de Regels". Most Dutch are quite OK to use English; Flemish on the other hand may prefer Dutch-only. Oh, and do not translate rule #5. That's internationally quite widely understood...
Harminator says:

Apr 17 2015 at 3:39 am

@frank

@brett

@Chris

@brett

@Chris

Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

I was wondering where you were in that photo.

I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?

What do they call Dutch Courage in the Netherlands?

Actually this was the day that @Frank lost his shizzle with @Engine and gave him step by step instructions in proper bib adjustment. But you can't make a silk purse out of a grotty chamois.
KogaLover says:

Apr 17 2015 at 4:16 am

@Harminator

Am learning a lot about my own mother tongue when looking up what Dutch Courage means! References to "many other pejorative uses of Dutch" as an adjective...

There's no direct Dutch translation (of course, in Dutch the adjective "Dutch" never would be pejorative) but I would translate "to gain Dutch courage" as "moed indrinken".
James Bellamy says:

Apr 17 2015 at 4:55 am

Another lurker here.

@Frank

You mention The Rider by Krabbe and then say "and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling."

Just wondering if you have also read The Cave (De Grot?) by Krabbe? Not quite as good as the rider (there are no bikes in it for a start - wtf) but still an excellent read. One of it's main themes is the millions of unlikely decisions that need to come together for an event to occur ie this excellent site coming to be by the millions of choices you and Brett made to eventually meet. Here's a quote that says it better than me

A child on the beach takes a handful of sand and throws it. How much of a chance was there that those grains of sand would ever come together to form a handful again? None. But then how much of a chance had there been a thousand years ago? None either. Still, they’d come together. Something had happened that couldn’t happen. That’s how it was with everything.

Humbling indeed. Anyway, keep up the good vvork
Ccos says:

Apr 17 2015 at 5:13 am

@ErikdR

I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.

Absolutely funny regardless of language. Use google translate and choose any language, then cut and paste it in reverse to see how it gets translated back into English. I forget which one ended up being "you really should try harder and not complain so much" maybe that was Japanese (or maybe I made that up).

Too bad it doesn't have the Yankee dialect of Masshole, it would probable end up using the words "douchebag" and "wicked."