On Rule #3: The Apocalypse
[rule number=3/]
With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.
Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.
Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.
The V Signs of the Apocalypse:
- The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
- Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
- A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
- Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
- The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.
The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.
It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.
Jeez @frank, The Lion on a Spesh, rather you having a word than me!
The Lion riding S-Works does not surprise me, he was riding one in Rouleur the other month.
In my humble opinion he should be astride a Colnago with Shimano, as a nod to Mapei…
Happy to report a recent ride with another member, who has embraced Rule #33. I do not take credit however.
Daily Rule #56 violations were committed by anyone on tour who required some kind of caffeine inspired hot beverage. At the gite we were reduced to the emptiness of the drip-filter abomination. Someone needs to talk to PaveCycling about this. While they’re at it they could try talking to all of France about making quality coffee. And Belgium (who have stooped to allowing a Starbucks into the Brussels Grote Markt). Is there a more compelling reason to make #KT16 Italian? I wonder.
@gilly, @Peter Dixon
Nothing against the Spesh, its just that when it comes to riding a Spesh because your handmade steel Belgie has a dead battery…that shit be a warning sign.
My biggest beef was with the disc brakes which he said he would never buy.
@Harminator
Somewhat inebriated discussions on Sunday night included speculation on KT2016 being and Italiano-Franco-Belge hybrid; Ride Roubaix/Ronde on the two Saturdays and make a midweek journey to Tuscany to sample the Strade.
Hmmmm…*strokes chin as though he has a beard*
@frank
Holy Shit Frank!
@frank
Did he buy it though? Or was he given it and like so many others (looking at you Wade Wallace. Ridden your Corretto lately?) asked to ride it for marketing purposes. In this case sell disc wheels/bikes and further the mantra that discs are better and an inevitable end.
That Rouleur version of the rules looks mint…unlike a certain Scottish attendee stood atop the Muur.
It might be ok for Kristoff to rock the crooked lid when he’s crossing the line 1st in a monument, it is most certainly not ok to have the 3PS all askew when taking a posed fucking photo…
@Mikael Liddy
Ooooh! What bit of fantastic flaming did I miss here?
(There may or may not be a Rouleur/Velominati t-shirt coming out soon as well.)
@frank
Wait..what? I just get a t-shirt and there’s a new one coming…..sigh…
@frank–
So when I see this line-
Why is it the first thing that comes to mind is the constant references they did throughout the various Star Trek series about experiencing Shakespeare in the original Klingon…?
@Peter Dixon
I just don’t understand why he isn’t riding his own branded bikes wtf.
http://www.museeuw-bicycles.com/
@Oli
He was ousted from his own company (he’d sold 55% of it to someone or other). His mechanic Ronnie still rides a sterling Museeuw, but he won’t look at it or touch it…Ronnie asked him to hold it and he pawned it off to one of us immediately.
Has a good sense of humor about it though…
@frank
First off, it looks like he’s wearing a bloody baseball cap beneath his helmet, but even after that misstep he can’t align the helmet, glasses & cap brim…
The fact that these criticisms are driven by insane jealousy levels don’t mean they’re wrong!
@Haldy
That’s an instant classic right there, my friend.
Don’t worry – its a Rouleur shirt, not a V-Shirt…a collaboration morelike. Thought it should be out by now but maybe it was abandoned…must check the ol’ inbox but there are something like 5k+ unread messages in there so it may be a bit!
@DeKerr
I should say KT++ as there is no saying it will be next year. We do what we want, when we want. All you homies saying, “I’ll wait ’til next year” might just be shit out of luck!
@Puffy
Getting it for free is irrelevant; Rules #12 and #65 still apply!
@frank
Jesus, that’s a bit rank! Understandable reaction from Johan then, and another bike brand added to my shit list.
@frank
Well it’s in compliance with Rule #12, and he violated Rule #65 allegedly but what I am suggesting is maybe he didn’t actually have a dead battery, but used it as an excuse to fulfil an agreement with a company to ride a given bike for pure marketing purposes. Basically I am suggesting in this case maybe he simply sold out.
@Oli
Had something to do with him wanting to keep making it in Belgium and the people “worried about profits” wanting to take it to China.
I ride a Chinese carbon frame and love it – it took 9 days of cobbles like a champ – but I can see both sides and would love a Belgian-made frame.
Either way, he’s got a great gig now with a reality tv show, TV commentating, and a training/coaching clinic.
@frank
Reality TV?
I do not understand why @The Engine should be having this trouble with his bib shorts. He is not small. He is, rather, quite on the large size. I am small; I understand having to struggle with excess bib short. I deal with this every time I kit up. So I’m mystified by 1) how his bib shorts could be so long and 2) how this mysterious condition is rectified.
Oh, and I hate you all who were there.
Thank you @Frank for the public shaming – yes “winter is coming”, however I shall attempt to adopt the correct attire (there is as far as I can see no Rule about toe-covers, more a guideline).
And whilst we are talking about temperature, if #Rule #24 is good enough to adopt the metric system, why do northern hemisphere Velominati insist on all this Fahrenheit talk…. what???…. Celsius please. If it is good enough for the Belgians, well, enough said!
You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?
As I’m all too aware of my own multitude of sins, there’s no way I’m calling anyone else out.
@asyax
This.
@asyax
Don’t blame a whole hemisphere, most of the world uses Celsius. There are only five countries that officially use Fahrenheit, and four of them total less than a million people together.
@Haldy
Can only say I am truly excited that it will be translated into Dutch soon! I am still trying to get to grips with all the English descriptions of bicycle parts (thanks Sheldon Brown) so I can understand the Rules and the commentaries. However for any LBS visits, that’s utterly useless since living in Switzerland means that even standard German words meet empty faces.
@Frank
While we’re at it: if there are right now 2 English versions (English and American), you should consider to have 2 Dutch versions: ABN and Flemish (and why not add South African?). I think the Belgians deserve that.
And if you are considering to straddle the KT16 across Belgium and Italy, then I am hoping you will embed a bit of the Tour de Suisse in it!
I’m surprised no-one has mentioned Rule #18 yet. There have been a few examples kicking around but the worse of them involves an unforgivable use of V-bibs with other kit. Unsurprisingly, it’s @The Engine again but surely the greatest Rule infraction must be attributed to the two Keepers present who allowed Ivor to get further than the front door dressed like that. Not only was it a Rule #3 failure but Rule #2.
On a truly fucking epic scale.
Hang your heads in shame.
KT15 should hereafter be referred to as the Kit Confusion Cogal.
Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?
My V-jersey’s zip has failed so I’m limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.
@frank got my order in for the Rouleur Rules the other day. Should be arriving today. Looks awesome on the Rouleur website. Chapeau.
Can’t wait for the t-shirt, it’s not going to have @rich-mitch artwork is it? That would be truly outstanding.
@markb
This as well. And having to correct lazy Brits about KM’s.
@Harminator
Perhaps a bit late, but the only local roaster in Lille, ‘Coffeemakers Lille’ happens to be very good, a flower in the desert. Also co-run by a Dutchman. They’re at Rue de Paris.
Also, the Belgian coffee scene is quite developed with the bigger towns having local specialty roasters.
@Chris
Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.
@asyax
I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…
Great to read such fresh inspiration post pilgrimage to the land of the prophet. The anti-V forces never sleep so good that we can come here and atone for transgressions.
I have to confess to a Rule #61 breach on my 9 bike / commuter. I bought a Selle gel saddle thinking it would aid in my daily grind commutes, but that was before being versed in the rules. The wider, cushier saddle is actually less comfortable than my arione on bike #1.
Budget has been prioritised for N+1 so I have been too lazy to rectify it. May this public shaming stoke the V fire to make things right.
@brett
I was wondering where you were in that photo.
I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.
I like the one where I’m wearing a windmill
@Chris
You’ll note that in this picture there are wires coming out of my cap and Frank has connected me to a prototype Keepers Thought Control Machine.
It doesn’t work.
@frank
Thanks for being so balanced on the topic of frame provenance Frank. Although so much of cycling’s heritage is European, we’re all the better if we acknowledge that bikes and kit are manufactured quite ably all over the world by all types of folks. I was saddened by a sideways comment in a recent and (otherwise excellent) article on the “Gabba” by Castelli in Rouleur where an uneccesarily negative comment slipped in. Ruined it for me.
@the Engine
It was the Translation Module that failed. Apparently the two coding languages, dutch/american and scots are quite incompatible.
Thanks Frank–we all need a good kick in the ass every once in a while.
@brett
What the fuck are you two talking about?
@the Engine
That’s what I told you it was. It was actually just a marionette system.
Which also didn’t work.
@the Engine
You tried it on, but it was too small for you head and you couldn’t get it to stay on straight.
@PeakInTwoYears
Take the lead from Niki’s Mom :
What a nice lady…Niki Terpstra: “My mom makes my race jersey even more tight and aerodynamic”
From Niki’s twitter
Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.
Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)
*And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.
@pistard
In addition, those 4 other countries have never experienced a temperature that would require a “-” in front of the numeral on either scale since the invention of the bicycle.
@Chris
I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.
@frank
The pink and the blue wires are definitely crossed over – which probably explains the kit.