On Rule #3: The Apocalypse
[rule number=3/]
With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.
Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.
Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.
The V Signs of the Apocalypse:
- The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
- Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
- A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
- Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
- The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.
The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.
It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.
@Ron
Re getting warmer. Skin is finally seeing the light of day for the first time in some months, yeah. Though car drivers are complaining about the reflected sunlight. What are the rules around fake tan…………..
Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.
While winter sucks for various reasons (bibs becoming a girdle, riding on ice, etc.) there is nothing as bad as the start of spring when the Guns finally emerge from the leg warmers and they’re so pale you don’t even like to stare at your own legs.
As long as your use masking tape to ensure your tan lines remain sharp… Or would it be regarded as Tan Line Doping?
@Ron
I know! We’ve been flirting with temps in the high 60s a couple of times here in SE Wisconsin. Not quite warm enough for just shorts. I’m both looking forward to/dreading those first rides with shorts as my legs are so friggin pale, it’s quite frightening.Wearing white shoes and socks helps offset the glare, but not by much . . .
@brett
And it’s not me either.
@Gianni
We’re rapidly running short on candidates………….a full confession is going to be due by default.
@Teocalli
There is always Marko, or Jim. They do live. But since only Frank and Brett were in Norther France and Belgium and Brett does some wrenching in a bike shop for a living, a certain DM is under suspicion. I’m just saying.
That’s not to say I haven’t f’ed up a tool or two in my centuries of bike maintenance.
@Ron
First day sans knee warmers today @Ron, not a pretty sight. Reminded me to fetch a couple of bottles of milk though.
@Gianni
We’re talking hammer pliers interface here aren’t we? Alexandre’s special family heirloom pliers…
@the Engine
Oh, right! I forgot about that! I’ll just point out that William and Alex didn’t have fucking CABLE CUTTERS in their toolbox so I had to get creative. Desperate times and all that.
@brett
I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?
@the Engine Transgressing the rules in front of a Keeper takes some real balls (or lack of common sense maybe. Could’t they excommunicate you on the spot?). I have come back to a full-on Dana Carvey-Church Lady stance on the rules as of late after some meditation (sans pearls and swinging purse though).
I do like the idea of translating the rules to other languages to spread the gospel and it takes some talent (Southern drawl is easy providing you use the words “fixin” and “y-all” liberally). In my own experience, I was trying to explain “Harden the fuck up” to some buddies in Quebec and them using Google Translate to figure it out was priceless.
Did someone say “tan lines”? It’s been a nice spring in the Pacific Northwest of the US of ‘Murica. During yesterday’s post-ride Fremont Interurban IPA in the tub:
@PeakInTwoYears
3 taps?
@PeakInTwoYears
If you look carefully at @L’Engine you will see that your legs are about the same length, he just has a freakishly long upper body.
@Chris
Yes, there will. We are in the midst of adding a new, more understated design and don’t want to put the original up until the new design is ready. Shouldn’t be more than a month or so.
Once its up, we’ll also switch to a new “preorder” model where you can order but won’t get charged until the order actually goes into the manufacturer. It will complicate things on our end a bit as we’ll have some extra overhead but it will be well worth it in terms of improved customer experience.
Stand by, and the new shit will be glorious – and we will still have the current design available as well.
@piwakawaka
Center lever routes the water to the hand-held shower thingy. Don’t ask how much that shit cost. I could have bought a fucking bike frame.
@frank
Which is so sad for him because I have short legs for my size and he’s a meter taller than I am.
@Ccos
I’ve got The Rider in Dutch (given to me by @ErikdR) and that’s finally giving me the motivation to read an entire book in Dutch. Given that I haven’t had the courage to read The Rules yet, maybe I’ll finally nut up for the Dutch version. It was surreal to see the revision of the cover, reading “De Regels”. Also, the Dutch translator caught many errors that no one else had, which is not a surprise.
Interestingly, we’ve had some folks reach out to translate the page for The Rules into other languages. We have the technology to load different pages based on where you’re visiting the site from, so for anyone who wants to translate the page for us, we would be delighted to maintain different version. I have a request from a gent in Italy to translate them, so we’ll for sure move forward with that. We had one from Germany as well but never heard back after we gave them the green light.
Anyway, fun stuff. Never thought this would happen when we started posting…and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.
@Ron
This is my favorite post in the history of the site.
@piwakawaka
one for cold, one for water in Fahrenheit and one for Celsius .
Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.
Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!
Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.
Wait a minute……
@markb
Hot, cold, beer – what could be simpler?
I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.
@frank
Was back in the NLs over Easter and bought Tim Krabbé’s De Renner. I saw the English excerpts on the internet but I always prefer to read (if I can manage the language) the original. Also bought his latest book “71 wielerverhalen” at the same time.We should have him write the intro to the Dutch translation of the Rules? Or van Dam? Dekker? Raas? Prikkeldraad? You name it!
The TDF will start this year in Utrecht, and the railwaymuseum has a special exhibition dedicated to cycling. It even has the wooden post that Prikkeldraad hit when he got his nickname…
Probably you should not translate “the Rules” into “de Regels”. Most Dutch are quite OK to use English; Flemish on the other hand may prefer Dutch-only. Oh, and do not translate Rule #5. That’s internationally quite widely understood…
@frank
What do they call Dutch Courage in the Netherlands?
Actually this was the day that @Frank lost his shizzle with @Engine and gave him step by step instructions in proper bib adjustment. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a grotty chamois.
@Harminator
Am learning a lot about my own mother tongue when looking up what Dutch Courage means! References to “many other pejorative uses of Dutch” as an adjective…
There’s no direct Dutch translation (of course, in Dutch the adjective “Dutch” never would be pejorative) but I would translate “to gain Dutch courage” as “moed indrinken”.
Another lurker here.
@Frank
You mention The Rider by Krabbe and then say “and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.”
Just wondering if you have also read The Cave (De Grot?) by Krabbe? Not quite as good as the rider (there are no bikes in it for a start – wtf) but still an excellent read. One of it’s main themes is the millions of unlikely decisions that need to come together for an event to occur ie this excellent site coming to be by the millions of choices you and Brett made to eventually meet. Here’s a quote that says it better than me
Humbling indeed. Anyway, keep up the good vvork
@ErikdR
Absolutely funny regardless of language. Use google translate and choose any language, then cut and paste it in reverse to see how it gets translated back into English. I forget which one ended up being “you really should try harder and not complain so much” maybe that was Japanese (or maybe I made that up).
Too bad it doesn’t have the Yankee dialect of Masshole, it would probable end up using the words “douchebag” and “wicked.”
@Ron
A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.
Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!
David
@frank
This:
@frank
Darnit, I’m peaking after the cobbled Classics! Another campaign lost, but I must take some solace in doing my maximum effort and getting a bit of recognition. The least I can do it give back a little bit of comic relief to this awesome community. Enjoy the weekend rides, everyone!
@brett
Is that the septic tank?
@Chris
Aye.
@frank
You were the only one stupid enough to put strawberry flavoured beer in your bidon, more like. Massive Rule violation right there.
@mattb
I could probably jump over the ditch for that…
@Ccos
Former Boston resident here. It would probably be something like: “Just go wicked fahkin’ haahd, guy! Fahk you!”
@davidlhill
Damn I have to admit you have a point. Plus I’m a bit wary of making my legs match the V kit when fake tan comes out a bit too orange…….it could be taking the orange thing a bit to far. Anyway at the moment the cars have zip excuse not to see me!
@KogaLover
The joke is “What do Dutch people call Dutch Courage?” and the answer is “We just call it ‘courage’.”
And “What do Kiwi’s call ‘Kiwi Fruit’?” “We just call it ‘fruit’.”
You can go forever on this:
“What do Dutch people call a Dutch Treat?” and the answer is “We just call it a ‘treat’.”
…”We just call it going…”
Tasmanians just call them “devils”
@brett
Why did I let anyone photograph that? I do look skinny, so there’s that.
@brett
That’s what Cogals are for – @mattb, go ahead and organize one; it’s a great way to get to extend our community into the real world.
http://www.velominati.com/cogals/
@Teocalli
Holy fuck are we seriously talking about fake tan? Get the fuck on your bike and do it the real way. JAYSUS.
I can’t believe this subject is being raised. Time to start issuing some demerits.
@Jabbazanetti
Welcome, sir, and awesome quote!
@frank
Have no fear I was only poking fun at my current celery sticks.
@davidlhill
I’d say @Ron is the dissenter, not you. It’s more likely he’s just “having a go”. Tan lines are the hard-earned badge that comes from having spent time on the bike in proper kit.
@frank
In a similar vein, when yanks talk about applying ‘English’ when playing pool, we just hit the fucking ball and move on; it’s a pub game, so by definition it should never be taken seriously.
@markb
But aren’t yanks the only ones who do take pool seriously?
I’m not being fucking serious. Fake tans are absurd. The fact that people a) willingly do it b) pay to do it. to walk around looking as orange as an Ooompah Loompah is a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. It’s fucking horrible.
The only tan I’ve ever give a moment of thought is a Proper Cyclist Tan, not because looking tan is cool and shows off my pecs, but it’s the proof that I’ve been out stomping pedals on the weekends and after work.
(And besides, my maternal grandmother died of skin cancer metastasizing, so my mother has never let me out in the sun without high spf sunblock. And yes, on this one I still follow what my mothers says, though I do sneak in some tanned forearms and thighs…)
@brett
It’s like that scene in “2001 a Space Odyssey” – after @Frank breaks Alexandre’s favourite pliers, he throws the parts in the air and we cut to a spaceship about a million years later
As an aside, @Frank‘s chimp suit is way more convincing that the one Kubrick made his actors wear