Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Velominati Super Prestige: Amstel Gold 2015 »

Previous « Guest Article- When Is a Sticker Not a Sticker?

View Comments

Haldy says:

Apr 15 2015 at 4:51 pm

@frank

@Mikael Liddy

That Rouleur version of the rules looks mint…unlike a certain Scottish attendee stood atop the Muur. It might be ok for Kristoff to rock the crooked lid when he’s crossing the line 1st in a monument, it is most certainly not ok to have the 3PS all askew when taking a posed fucking photo…

Ooooh! What bit of fantastic flaming did I miss here? The Rouleur Rules does look mint. All came about amazingly well. This might also be the first error-free edition, so get it before we fuck it up! (There may or may not be a Rouleur/Velominati t-shirt coming out soon as well.)

Wait..what? I just get a t-shirt and there's a new one coming.....sigh...
Haldy says:

Apr 15 2015 at 4:53 pm

@frank-

So when I see this line-

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch)

Why is it the first thing that comes to mind is the constant references they did throughout the various Star Trek series about experiencing Shakespeare in the original Klingon...?
Oli says:

Apr 15 2015 at 5:08 pm

@Peter Dixon

The Lion riding S-Works does not surprise me, he was riding one in Rouleur the other month. In my humble opinion he should be astride a Colnago with Shimano, as a nod to Mapei…

I just don't understand why he isn't riding his own branded bikes wtf.

http://www.museeuw-bicycles.com/
frank says:

Apr 15 2015 at 5:25 pm

@Oli

@Peter Dixon

The Lion riding S-Works does not surprise me, he was riding one in Rouleur the other month. In my humble opinion he should be astride a Colnago with Shimano, as a nod to Mapei…

I just don’t understand why he isn’t riding his own branded bikes wtf.

http://www.museeuw-bicycles.com/

He was ousted from his own company (he'd sold 55% of it to someone or other). His mechanic Ronnie still rides a sterling Museeuw, but he won't look at it or touch it...Ronnie asked him to hold it and he pawned it off to one of us immediately.

Has a good sense of humor about it though...
Mikael Liddy says:

Apr 15 2015 at 5:27 pm

@frank

First off, it looks like he's wearing a bloody baseball cap beneath his helmet, but even after that misstep he can't align the helmet, glasses & cap brim...

The fact that these criticisms are driven by insane jealousy levels don't mean they're wrong!
frank says:

Apr 15 2015 at 5:28 pm

@Haldy

@frank- So when I see this line-

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch)

Why is it the first thing that comes to mind is the constant references they did throughout the various Star Trek series about experiencing Shakespeare in the original Klingon…?

That's an instant classic right there, my friend.

Wait..what? I just get a t-shirt and there’s a new one coming…..sigh…

Don't worry - its a Rouleur shirt, not a V-Shirt...a collaboration morelike. Thought it should be out by now but maybe it was abandoned...must check the ol' inbox but there are something like 5k+ unread messages in there so it may be a bit!
frank says:

Apr 15 2015 at 5:33 pm

@DeKerr

@frank

@Harminator

Daily Rule #56 violations were committed by anyone on tour who required some kind of caffeine inspired hot beverage. At the gite we were reduced to the emptiness of the drip-filter abomination. Someone needs to talk to PaveCycling about this. While they’re at it they could try talking to all of France about making quality coffee. And Belgium (who have stooped to allowing a Starbucks into the Brussels Grote Markt). Is there a more compelling reason to make #KT16 Italian? I wonder.

Somewhat inebriated discussions on Sunday night included speculation on KT2016 being and Italiano-Franco-Belge hybrid; Ride Roubaix / Ronde on the two Saturdays and make a midweek journey to Tuscany to sample the Strade.

Hmmmm…*strokes chin as though he has a beard*

Holy Shit Frank!

I should say KT++ as there is no saying it will be next year. We do what we want, when we want. All you homies saying, "I'll wait 'til next year" might just be shit out of luck!
frank says:

Apr 15 2015 at 6:06 pm

@Puffy

@frank

Nothing against the Spesh, its just that when it comes to riding a Spesh because your handmade steel Belgie has a dead battery…that shit be a warning sign. My biggest beef was with the disc brakes which he said he would never buy.

Did he buy it though? Or was he given it and like so many others (looking at you Wade Wallace. Ridden your Corretto lately?) asked to ride it for marketing purposes. In this case sell disc wheels/bikes and further the mantra that discs are better and an inevitable end.

Getting it for free is irrelevant; Rules 12 and 65 still apply!
Oli says:

Apr 15 2015 at 6:16 pm

@frank

@Oli

@Peter Dixon

The Lion riding S-Works does not surprise me, he was riding one in Rouleur the other month. In my humble opinion he should be astride a Colnago with Shimano, as a nod to Mapei…

I just don’t understand why he isn’t riding his own branded bikes wtf.

http://www.museeuw-bicycles.com/

He was ousted from his own company (he’d sold 55% of it to someone or other). His mechanic Ronnie still rides a sterling Museeuw, but he won’t look at it or touch it…Ronnie asked him to hold it and he pawned it off to one of us immediately.

Has a good sense of humor about it though…

Jesus, that's a bit rank! Understandable reaction from Johan then, and another bike brand added to my shit list.
Puffy says:

Apr 15 2015 at 6:25 pm

@frank

Getting it for free is irrelevant; Rules #12 and #65 still apply!

Well it's in compliance with Rule #12, and he violated Rule #65 allegedly but what I am suggesting is maybe he didn't actually have a dead battery, but used it as an excuse to fulfil an agreement with a company to ride a given bike for pure marketing purposes. Basically I am suggesting in this case maybe he simply sold out.