Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 3:45 pm

@the Engine

@Gianni

@Teocalli

@Gianni

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

And it’s not me either.

We’re rapidly running short on candidates………….a full confession is going to be due by default.

There is always Marko, or Jim. They do live. But since only Frank and Brett were in Norther France and Belgium and Brett does some wrenching in a bike shop for a living, a certain DM is under suspicion. I’m just saying.

That’s not to say I haven’t f’ed up a tool or two in my centuries of bike maintenance.

We’re talking hammer pliers interface here aren’t we? Alexandre’s special family heirloom pliers…

Oh, right! I forgot about that! I'll just point out that William and Alex didn't have fucking CABLE CUTTERS in their toolbox so I had to get creative. Desperate times and all that.
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 3:47 pm

@brett

@Chris

@brett

@Chris

Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

I was wondering where you were in that photo.

I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

I'd also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can't manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?
Ccos says:

Apr 16 2015 at 4:04 pm

@the Engine Transgressing the rules in front of a Keeper takes some real balls (or lack of common sense maybe. Could't they excommunicate you on the spot?). I have come back to a full-on Dana Carvey-Church Lady stance on the rules as of late after some meditation (sans pearls and swinging purse though).

I do like the idea of translating the rules to other languages to spread the gospel and it takes some talent (Southern drawl is easy providing you use the words "fixin" and "y-all" liberally). In my own experience, I was trying to explain "Harden the fuck up" to some buddies in Quebec and them using Google Translate to figure it out was priceless.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Apr 16 2015 at 5:06 pm

Did someone say "tan lines"? It's been a nice spring in the Pacific Northwest of the US of 'Murica. During yesterday's post-ride Fremont Interurban IPA in the tub:
piwakawaka says:

Apr 16 2015 at 5:41 pm

@PeakInTwoYears

3 taps?
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:07 pm

@PeakInTwoYears

I do not understand why @The Engine should be having this trouble with his bib shorts. He is not small. He is, rather, quite on the large size. I am small; I understand having to struggle with excess bib short. I deal with this every time I kit up. So I’m mystified by 1) how his bib shorts could be so long and 2) how this mysterious condition is rectified.

Oh, and I hate you all who were there.

If you look carefully at @L'Engine you will see that your legs are about the same length, he just has a freakishly long upper body.
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:12 pm

@Chris

Speaking of V-Kit. When will there be more? Will there be more?

My V-jersey’s zip has failed so I’m limited to wearing my LS Jersey and late night roller sessions that no-one can ever be witness to.

Yes, there will. We are in the midst of adding a new, more understated design and don't want to put the original up until the new design is ready. Shouldn't be more than a month or so.

Once its up, we'll also switch to a new "preorder" model where you can order but won't get charged until the order actually goes into the manufacturer. It will complicate things on our end a bit as we'll have some extra overhead but it will be well worth it in terms of improved customer experience.

Stand by, and the new shit will be glorious - and we will still have the current design available as well.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:14 pm

@piwakawaka

Center lever routes the water to the hand-held shower thingy. Don't ask how much that shit cost. I could have bought a fucking bike frame.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:17 pm

@frank

Which is so sad for him because I have short legs for my size and he's a meter taller than I am.
frank says:

Apr 16 2015 at 6:25 pm

@Ccos

@the Engine Transgressing the rules in front of a Keeper takes some real balls (or lack of common sense maybe. Could’t they excommunicate you on the spot?). I have come back to a full-on Dana Carvey-Church Lady stance on the rules as of late after some meditation (sans pearls and swinging purse though).

I do like the idea of translating the rules to other languages to spread the gospel and it takes some talent (Southern drawl is easy providing you use the words “fixin” and “y-all” liberally). In my own experience, I was trying to explain “Harden the fuck up” to some buddies in Quebec and them using Google Translate to figure it out was priceless.

I've got The Rider in Dutch (given to me by @ErikdR) and that's finally giving me the motivation to read an entire book in Dutch. Given that I haven't had the courage to read The Rules yet, maybe I'll finally nut up for the Dutch version. It was surreal to see the revision of the cover, reading "De Regels". Also, the Dutch translator caught many errors that no one else had, which is not a surprise.

Interestingly, we've had some folks reach out to translate the page for The Rules into other languages. We have the technology to load different pages based on where you're visiting the site from, so for anyone who wants to translate the page for us, we would be delighted to maintain different version. I have a request from a gent in Italy to translate them, so we'll for sure move forward with that. We had one from Germany as well but never heard back after we gave them the green light.

Anyway, fun stuff. Never thought this would happen when we started posting...and to think of the unlikely odds that Brett and I would meet and set this whole thing afoot is mind boggling. So humbling.