Categories: Keepers TourLa Vie VelominatusLook ProThe Rules

On Rule #3: The Apocalypse

It is time to confess your sins.

[rule number=3/]

With The Rules being officially published in three languages (English English, American English, and soon Dutch) and now also being offered in a large full-color format by Rouleur, it is time for the Keepers to accept the reality that Rule #3 is perhaps the most important Rule of all and one which must be enforced vigilantly, even with the most experienced of Cyclists.

Rule Violations occur for many reasons: ignorance, boredom, or even trying to get a certain Dutch Keeper’s goat, but mostly violations happen because we don’t realize our limits of taste have shifted. Boundaries are slowly pushed and over time we grow accustomed to new ways of doing things. My own sock length is such an example, where my preference has slowly shifted from 3cm cuffs to 5cm. (I justify this by pointing out that we are more in symmetry with The Five by wearing a Vcm length of sock.) Some changes are healthy, but some changes foretell the coming apocalypse, and I’m afraid that if we do not return focus to Rule #3, all may be lost.

Keepers Tour was a revelation in this regard. Spending nine days riding with old and new friends alike, not to mention having the opportunity to see the Pros up close and personal makes one point perfectly clear: balance must be restored, and that those who are willing to be shown The Way can still be taught.

The V Signs of the Apocalypse:

The Peloton appears to have been infected with a particularly virulent strain of Grizzly Adams Disease. Wages must be dropping or the price of admission into the doping pool must be up because the majority of the bunch appear to be moonlighting as 70’s-era porn stars to make a little extra cash. I’m looking at you, Luca. This has spread into the non-Pro ranks, and even a certain Kiwi Keeper is in violation.
Johan Museeuw arrived at the Thursday Paris-Roubaix ride aboard a Specialized S-Works with – wait for it – disc brakes instead of his custom handmade Belgian Jaegher, citing a “battery problem”.
A “Battery Problem” is now a legitimate excuse not to ride a custom handmade Belgian bicycle.
Even after pointing out that the only way to make toe covers look good is by not wearing them, @asyax still appeared at our first ride wearing toe-cozies.
The blatant violation of the Goldilocks Principle: @The Engine wore his shorts down to his knees and @Mickey routinely rode in stripper boots.

The mini-pump lashings appear to have temporarily corrected the situation @asyax, but I fear that with the coming winter in Oz he will soon relapse. @The Engine had to be shown how to put his shorts on properly on an almost daily basis. @Mickey abandoned the overshoes only to reveal similarly long socks. Like alcoholism, it appears all will always be struggling with this condition.

It isn’t easy, restoring order to the realm, and I shudder to think how many other undiagnosed cases we have around the world. But that’s what we’re here for: reuniting wandering Velominati with The Path, one at a time.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

davidlhill says:

Apr 17 2015 at 6:43 am

@Ron

Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

A dissenter here: If something has the word 'fake' therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don't!

David
brett says:

Apr 17 2015 at 8:06 am

@frank

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

What the fuck are you two talking about?

This:
Ron says:

Apr 17 2015 at 8:44 am

@frank

@Ron

Goddamnit, finally some people who fucking care about standards of behavior and upholding them!!! I fucking LOVE #3! Just getting warmer, so more cyclists out and the ratio of Breachers:Followers is truly staggering.

Now, if only we could apply some Rules to the all the dipshits meandering about these days. Crocs are not “business casual”, slippers aren’t worn outside your home, eyeglasses come with lenses, which assist your eyeballs with seeing properly, and hosiery should be worn with a dress or a skirt, not just thong underwear…(or worse, granny pannies!)

*And before you get worried, I’m not off my meds! It’s official: pronounced plain crazy and not clinically crazy by a doctor. I don’t need any meds, just fewer jerks in the world. The VMH has been made to accept that I’m beyond medicinal correction.

This is my favorite post in the history of the site.

Darnit, I'm peaking after the cobbled Classics! Another campaign lost, but I must take some solace in doing my maximum effort and getting a bit of recognition. The least I can do it give back a little bit of comic relief to this awesome community. Enjoy the weekend rides, everyone!
Chris says:

Apr 17 2015 at 9:07 am

@brett

@frank

@brett

@asyax

You also failed to mention a flagrant breach of Rule #94 by a certain Keeper, resulting in complete destruction of incompatible tool – photos please anyone?

I’d just like to itterate that the certain Keeper is another one…

What the fuck are you two talking about?

This:

Is that the septic tank?
brett says:

Apr 17 2015 at 9:46 am

@Chris

Aye.
brett says:

Apr 17 2015 at 9:52 am

@frank

@brett

@Chris

@brett

@Chris

Frank and me at the back discussing how wrong (and cold) it is standing around in kit in a brewery.

I was wondering where you were in that photo.

I’d assumed that you were either taking the photo or hiding having realised that fact that the pair of you had failed to properly dress Ivor that morning also meant that you were unlikely to be able to organise this piss up appropriate to your surroundings.

I’d long given up on both l’engine and organising a piss-up in a brewery.

I’d also like to point out that I was the only one with the courage to ride home with beer in the bidon. If you can’t manage that on a ride to and from a brewery, then when the hell can you do it?

You were the only one stupid enough to put strawberry flavoured beer in your bidon, more like. Massive Rule violation right there.
brett says:

Apr 17 2015 at 9:54 am

@mattb

Long time lurker here. Awesome bit of kit this site is.

Question: is a Keepers Tour to the TDU2016 out of the question? As someone who is WAY to fat to climb, and WAY to close to the budget end of spectrum, one of the European Tours is as likely as Michael Jackson getting a start as a kindergarten teacher!

Would love to get in on some of that action and meet dudes I don’t know off the internet.

Wait a minute……

I could probably jump over the ditch for that...
SamV says:

Apr 17 2015 at 10:27 am

@Ccos

@ErikdR

I can hardly wait to find out how the Dutch translator has chosen to translate “HTFU”.

Absolutely funny regardless of language. Use google translate and choose any language, then cut and paste it in reverse to see how it gets translated back into English. I forget which one ended up being “you really should try harder and not complain so much” maybe that was Japanese (or maybe I made that up).

Too bad it doesn’t have the Yankee dialect of Masshole, it would probable end up using the words “douchebag” and “wicked.”

Former Boston resident here. It would probably be something like: "Just go wicked fahkin' haahd, guy! Fahk you!"
Teocalli says:

Apr 17 2015 at 11:26 am

@davidlhill

@Ron

Most of the Keepers are pretty pale so I think they’d be okay with fake tan lotion. Not enough Sicilian blood in their veins, chemically enhanced skin might be approved.

A dissenter here: If something has the word ‘fake’ therein almost by definition the Keepers would disown it.

Like getting a Shimano component and engraving Campagnolo over it and saying a fake Campag component is fine. Either have a tan or don’t!

David

Damn I have to admit you have a point. Plus I'm a bit wary of making my legs match the V kit when fake tan comes out a bit too orange.......it could be taking the orange thing a bit to far. Anyway at the moment the cars have zip excuse not to see me!
frank says:

Apr 17 2015 at 12:57 pm

@KogaLover

@Harminator

Am learning a lot about my own mother tongue when looking up what Dutch Courage means! References to “many other pejorative uses of Dutch” as an adjective…

There’s no direct Dutch translation (of course, in Dutch the adjective “Dutch” never would be pejorative) but I would translate “to gain Dutch courage” as “moed indrinken”.

The joke is "What do Dutch people call Dutch Courage?" and the answer is "We just call it 'courage'."

And "What do Kiwi's call 'Kiwi Fruit'?" "We just call it 'fruit'."

You can go forever on this:

"What do Dutch people call a Dutch Treat?" and the answer is "We just call it a 'treat'."

..."We just call it going..."

Tasmanians just call them "devils"